Scientific tests prove President Anni most likely human and hotheaded

by Mohamed Headset


Scientific tests done on several heads of states, countries, and groups have proven without a shadow of doubt that President Anni is very likely a hot-headed human being and pretty to boot.

The results of the scientific tests were revealed in a research journal titled “Hotheads of States” (or was that “Hottest Heads of State”?) and President Anni soundly thrashed USA President Barack Obama to take the esteemed 14th slot, just edging out Dr Zaius from Planet of the Apes and slightly behind Weechee Warrick of Ewoks from Star Wars.

Scientists who conducted the exhaustive research that resulted in the report have gone beyond the call of duty (Modern Warfare 2) and even speculated that in addition to being beautiful, having sex with President Anni might actually feel “kinda good”, although it did not state for whom. People who participated in the tests even concluded, by looking at pictures of President Anni, that he was likely baby-butt-soft to the touch, fingernails-scratched-across-blackboards-tough on the ears, and the chances that his hair might smell of salty sea air or Thilafushi during a rainy day were very good.

The research is also very clear in that Science itself considers President Anni quote unquote “seriously f-able and fap-inducing”. The results are as empirically provable as religion, telekinesis, and astrology, despite previous allegations by opposition political parties that President Anni was the elusive ‘missing link’ or just a primate with slightly over-developed language skills and ears. The results of President Anni’s attraction level among primates has not been released yet but early reports indicate the results could boost President Anni several slots up from his current 14th position.

Some posit that President Anni’s current hotness-level may have been the direct result of the recent international fame he has garnered through the devious use of scuba-diving gear and impossibly bold headline-making declarations, although sources close to and far away from Bakhabaru have not yet confirmed this.

“The flip side of Anni’s alleged beauty,” spoke an unnamed fictional scientist at a similarly fictional press conference held for Bakhabaru reporters (who aren’t fictional at all), “is that it is constantly evolving so that President Anni will become more pleasing to look at and attractive for a gradually increasing number of species. For instance, yesterday he was clearly very attractive to birds but not bees, but today’s results show that even bees have started developing a grudging attraction for him, with some queens even making plans to start a hive inside his hollow head.”

Former President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom today issued a statement stating that the ‘hotheads of the States’ was clearly a fake poll designed to make it sound like President Anni was more attractive and better at wild monkey sex than Maumoon himself.

“How can anyone compete with my Botox-injected ageless and classic beauty?” the former president declared. “No expense has been spared to keep my face from looking like… er.. well, what my face should really look like. I’ve been known to turn heads left and right wherever I go; sometimes even by 360 degrees, with some assistance, like in The Exorcist. Just you wait until the results of the “7 Unnatural Wonders of the Natural World” are announced. I’m a shoo-in to be included in the list and then everyone will realize how resplendently grand I am. Then the bleurgh memories of this silly beauty contest/poll will fade away like dark spots under a purifying gold facial.”