Sunday, 1 April 2007

IGM Hospital Introduces Psychic Consultation

by Ahmed Satellite

For the first time in Maldives, a local hospital has unveiled plans to hire psychics, to be made available for consultation at the hospital for a limited time. According to a press release issued by the Indhira Gandhi Memorial Hospital in Male, Maldives, the hospital had decided to introduce psychic consultation due to the mounting pressure from customers who have asked for such a service.

“We were sick, metaphorically speaking, of the complaints from our customers,” said Assistant Director of IGMH, Abdul Sattar. “It was always ‘How can we make an appointment to see the doctor two days before we actually get sick’, or ‘You mean I have to make the appointment BEFORE I get sick? What are we, psychics?’ Well, we got tired of that and did something about it. Now you can check in with the psychics and see whether you will need a doctor in the near future and make the proper arrangements to see the doctor a good week before you get sick. We expect there will be a 90% decrease in customer complaints once we put the psychics to work.”

He also said that the service will be absolutely free and all the customers would have to do was get a number from the counter. “There will be no charges whatsoever but the psychics can only answer questions about one’s health about the near future. Questions about marriages, divorces, promotions, love life, and that sort of thing will not be entertained,” said Sattar. “Depending on the customer response we will make the service a permanent one, if there is demand of course.”

When asked whether he had consulted the psychics on whether the service would have a large demand or not Sattar became a little evasive and declined to comment, saying that answering such questions would jeopardize the fragile threads of time-space continuum. Bakhabaru reporters beat a hasty retreat since they didn’t want to get involved in threads of the space-time variety, whatever they were, or any variety for that matter.

Another doctor at IGMH, Dr. Ibrahim Yasir, Deputy Director, also expressed how happy he was with the plan to introduce psychic consultation at the hospital. “This service should have been introduced a long time ago,” he said. “We have hired certified psychics from abroad as well some local psychics. They don’t come cheap, let me tell you, but it will be worth it. The government should make plans to introduce this service to the island hospitals too.”

There’s been mixed reaction to the news from the public so far. Some have claimed that hiring psychics was totally unnecessary because even if the doctors at IGMH had been given the gift of foresight they would not be able to deal with any disease more complicated than the common cold, and that was stretching it, and would eventually advice the patient be taken abroad or transferred to another hospital just like always. Local religious radicals have also expressed disgust over the news.

“It’s bad enough they have hospitals,” said a turbaned guy who Bakhabaru reporters had initially mistaken for an overgrown hobbit in Gendalf disguise. “If God had wanted humans to cure other humans then he would have created doctors. Doctors are an abomination on the face of this world and should all be beheaded and kept away from other doctors in case they sew his head back on! And now they have psychics? It’s deplorable! It’s appalling. ”

“Not only that,” agreed an almost identical but shorter version of the Froddo-Gendalf hybrid next to him. “It’s not even nice!”

Others have however embraced the news with great joy.

“This is great news,” said a member of the public who wished to remain anonymous. “This is like checking the weather forecast before going on a sea trip. I just hope they are more accurate than the Met Department in Maldives. They should introduce the service to the remote islands too, that’s where they really need it.”

Bakhabaru reporters immediately called up President Gayoom to see if the government had any plans of introducing the service to the outer islands.

“It’s a good idea,” said the President. “However, seeing as how most of the remote islands don’t even have hospitals to begin with, I don’t see the use of that. I have consulted the stars myself to see how I should go about it and they have yet to show me any sign that introducing psychic consultation would benefit anyone in the islands.”

When asked if he was thinking of introducing proper medical services to the remote and considerably poorer islands of the Maldives the President of the Maldives was a little skeptical about the need for such ‘drastic’ measures.

“I mean, why bother? There are only a few people there and they won’t be contributing that much when it comes to votes,” he said. “Besides, the general consensus among my Majlis members is that if we introduce good health care to the islands, it will make the islanders slack and lazy. They are bound to go about and get themselves hurt all the time if they know that help is just around the corner. This way they will be more attentive and less inclined towards slackness and getting themselves hurt in the process. So for the time being at least the islanders at the remotest corners will just have to die inefficiently, without any help from doctors to speed them along. Believe me, this is best for them.”

10 comments:

  1. Trust you guys to make a political problem out of a social one. Good work dragging our saviour President Gayyoom in to this mess. Disparity is caused by miniscule populations, so people, start breeding like rabid err.. rabbits on heat and may be our fearless leader will start noticing you... or more likely, your votes.

    IGMH should abolish their psychology and psychiatry departments and introduce witch doctors aptly named "ފަންޑިތަވެރިން" too. Its age old custom in these islands to treat mental diseases such as schizophrenia, psychosis, personality disorder and liberalism as doings of a supernatural being, so a "black magic/medicine" department would actually make a lot of sense in a modern hospital equipped to deal with (just) common colds, which in reality, isn't even curable considering its caused by a common virus.

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  2. man f1x4n u really know your shit. should really opt to become the next maldivian golhaa. damn sure would really benefit the common man.

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  3. ho ho ho? Really where are the they? Or was that Santy Claws?

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  4. darn it, this will put the sixth sense of normal patients totally out of business! thats what theyd used all these years....

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  5. hah those psychics have nothing on the fanditha verin. hey i would so totally want to see them at a duel! each bringing their powers... i suppose the psychics will cheat and say 'i foresee that we win this duel' ...

    happy reporting bakhabaru

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  6. Maybe if the psychic consultations become a hit, IGMH might just hire some 'fandithaverin' too. About time those guys got some recognition I say. I bet they are tired of quack doctors taking all the credit for their work.

    f1x4n: liberalism too?

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  7. Of course liberalism (as in the defense claim of individual liberties) too. Haven't you seen people looking at liberals as if they have a disease of some kind that almost surely will condemn them in one way or another? I know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy who has gotten that look - "Poor kid, I can imagine him either in Hell or in jail for his views on religion and the country respectively".

    Not begging to differ, I think my friend's friend's friend deserves to be locked up in his life time, subsequent to eternal incarceration and torture in the afterlife. It doesn't matter how absurd and idiotic a society's view on something is, its always right. If they introduce a black magic/medicine department, IGMH would offer a glimmer of hope to these poor indviduals.

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