IGM Hospital Introduces Psychic Consultation

by Ahmed Satellite

For the first time in Maldives, a local hospital has unveiled plans to hire psychics, to be made available for consultation at the hospital for a limited time. According to a press release issued by the Indhira Gandhi Memorial Hospital in Male, Maldives, the hospital had decided to introduce psychic consultation due to the mounting pressure from customers who have asked for such a service.

“We were sick, metaphorically speaking, of the complaints from our customers,” said Assistant Director of IGMH, Abdul Sattar. “It was always ‘How can we make an appointment to see the doctor two days before we actually get sick’, or ‘You mean I have to make the appointment BEFORE I get sick? What are we, psychics?’ Well, we got tired of that and did something about it. Now you can check in with the psychics and see whether you will need a doctor in the near future and make the proper arrangements to see the doctor a good week before you get sick. We expect there will be a 90% decrease in customer complaints once we put the psychics to work.”

He also said that the service will be absolutely free and all the customers would have to do was get a number from the counter. “There will be no charges whatsoever but the psychics can only answer questions about one’s health about the near future. Questions about marriages, divorces, promotions, love life, and that sort of thing will not be entertained,” said Sattar. “Depending on the customer response we will make the service a permanent one, if there is demand of course.”

When asked whether he had consulted the psychics on whether the service would have a large demand or not Sattar became a little evasive and declined to comment, saying that answering such questions would jeopardize the fragile threads of time-space continuum. Bakhabaru reporters beat a hasty retreat since they didn’t want to get involved in threads of the space-time variety, whatever they were, or any variety for that matter.

Another doctor at IGMH, Dr. Ibrahim Yasir, Deputy Director, also expressed how happy he was with the plan to introduce psychic consultation at the hospital. “This service should have been introduced a long time ago,” he said. “We have hired certified psychics from abroad as well some local psychics. They don’t come cheap, let me tell you, but it will be worth it. The government should make plans to introduce this service to the island hospitals too.”

There’s been mixed reaction to the news from the public so far. Some have claimed that hiring psychics was totally unnecessary because even if the doctors at IGMH had been given the gift of foresight they would not be able to deal with any disease more complicated than the common cold, and that was stretching it, and would eventually advice the patient be taken abroad or transferred to another hospital just like always. Local religious radicals have also expressed disgust over the news.

“It’s bad enough they have hospitals,” said a turbaned guy who Bakhabaru reporters had initially mistaken for an overgrown hobbit in Gendalf disguise. “If God had wanted humans to cure other humans then he would have created doctors. Doctors are an abomination on the face of this world and should all be beheaded and kept away from other doctors in case they sew his head back on! And now they have psychics? It’s deplorable! It’s appalling. ”

“Not only that,” agreed an almost identical but shorter version of the Froddo-Gendalf hybrid next to him. “It’s not even nice!”

Others have however embraced the news with great joy.

“This is great news,” said a member of the public who wished to remain anonymous. “This is like checking the weather forecast before going on a sea trip. I just hope they are more accurate than the Met Department in Maldives. They should introduce the service to the remote islands too, that’s where they really need it.”

Bakhabaru reporters immediately called up President Gayoom to see if the government had any plans of introducing the service to the outer islands.

“It’s a good idea,” said the President. “However, seeing as how most of the remote islands don’t even have hospitals to begin with, I don’t see the use of that. I have consulted the stars myself to see how I should go about it and they have yet to show me any sign that introducing psychic consultation would benefit anyone in the islands.”

When asked if he was thinking of introducing proper medical services to the remote and considerably poorer islands of the Maldives the President of the Maldives was a little skeptical about the need for such ‘drastic’ measures.

“I mean, why bother? There are only a few people there and they won’t be contributing that much when it comes to votes,” he said. “Besides, the general consensus among my Majlis members is that if we introduce good health care to the islands, it will make the islanders slack and lazy. They are bound to go about and get themselves hurt all the time if they know that help is just around the corner. This way they will be more attentive and less inclined towards slackness and getting themselves hurt in the process. So for the time being at least the islanders at the remotest corners will just have to die inefficiently, without any help from doctors to speed them along. Believe me, this is best for them.”