Friday, 19 April 2013

Fathishandhuvaruge Feshun 3D Review

As my mentor the great big Director Amjay would do, I won’t mess about with teasing, building suspense and all that nonsense. I’m just going to tell it to you straight up what I thought of Fathishandhuvaruge Feshun 3D. Here goes:

There are great movies and then there are good movies. Then you get average movies, followed closely behind by bad movies and, a little further down, really shitty movies. And below that you get all the Uwe Boll movies, and a few steps further down you’ll come to a huge steaming pile of Dhivehi movies. At the very bottom of this stinky pile, resting quite firmly and heavily, are all the Amjay movies. And then… AND THEN BELOW ALL THAT… there’s Fathishandhuvaruge Feshun 3D.

My expectations were pretty clear going to this movie. This was going to be a bad movie, there was no doubt since almost everyone who saw it seemed to complain about how bad it was and how it made no sense. What I wasn’t prepared for was the 3D. I had heard only a few complaints about the 3D so I chalked that up to some people who just couldn’t experience 3D, since there are people who suffer from that particular condition. I’ve watched several 3D movies without problems, so it was totally unexpected when I started going cross-eyed every now and then while watching F3D as my eyes desperately tried to figure out whether that branch or that flower or that plant was in the foreground or in the background. The 3D in F3D works, that much is true, but it’s very inconsistent. Every time the scene changes, or switches to another camera angle, the depth perception shift causes my eyes to refocus, trying to adjust to the change. I’ve never had headaches with 3D before, but this did give me a headache. About 30 minutes in, I gave up and placed the stub of the movie ticket between the 3D glasses and my right eye, blocking the view from that eye, effectively negating the 3D and also allowing me to view the movie without double images. That’s a tip, folks. You should try it.

Another problem with the 3D was there was just too much depth! This made everything look a bit… elongated or too wide. A distance of about two or three feet in real life looked to be about double that distance in the movie. There was once scene in particular where Faisal’s character was sitting behind a desk and leaning forward. The 3D made him look like a giraffe leaning forward towards you! His head was poking out of the screen while the rest of his body was way back behind the desk! It looked like he had a neck that was about 3 or 4 feet long. Honestly, that kind of freaked me out! And it wasn’t just me. Other people in the audience were commenting on it too.

Still, the 3D was a good first effort on the part of the crew. Proved they can do it, and they will no doubt get better with experience. However, maybe next time they will make a movie where the 3D actually enhanced the movie in some way. For this movie, the 3D wasn’t necessary at all. But then again, this happens even in Hollywood. There are only a few Hollywood movies that made good use of the new 3D technology. Avatar, Hugo, and Life of Pi are among the most notable that I have personally experienced. The rest just used the 3D as a gimmick and didn’t contribute much to the films in anyway. Just because you have the technology, doesn’t mean you should use it on everything.

Now that the tech part is out of the way, let’s get on with the review. To be honest, I had no idea what really happened in the movie. The movie didn’t start with a song and dance sequence, so that’s a plus. And the movie only had two songs, so that was a good thing again. Unfortunately, the songs were absolutely terrible!
The movie began with some fancy visuals showing the camera panning through what I think is a far away galaxy, even though some of the stars seemed to be about a few feet away from my face and looked tiny. While the camera moved through the… floating specks of colorful dust particles, Optimus Prime with a bad cold and an even worse case of laryngitis did a voiceover, presumably explaining something about the movie. I have no idea what he said, so I can’t be sure he wasn’t just saying “Ooh look! Fancy lights. Ooooh shiny! Look at that speck of light! Does it look like it’s just floating in front of your eyes! Do you want to touch it? Go on! Touch it!” Thankfully, that bit doesn’t last long and soon we’re introduced to the characters. If you haven’t watched the movie yet, be warned that there will be spoilers from here on. If you don’t care, and you shouldn’t, then read on.

The story revolves around how Saleem (Faisal) falls head over heels in love with Niha (Fareela) and, after being rejected because he’s her boss and because she really didn’t like him, attempts to win her through black magic, since that’s how we do things here in Maldives. The black magician that Faisal goes to for help in this delicate matter is Naseem, played by Nimal and notably the only person in the whole movie who puts in a good performance despite the material he had to work with. Nimal apparently holds in thrall a powerful jinni (Eyoopee) and he uses the jinni to do all the supernatural work required by his rich clients. Nimal plays the money-hungry black magician’s role pretty well, although it’s never explained why he doesn’t just ask his powerful jinni to steal as much money as he wants from a bank or other people’s pockets/safes. Surely, that’s an easier way to make money than to wait for some unlucky bastard to ask him for help every now and then and squeeze him dry.

I got the impression that the screenplay had some really funny dialogues and exchanges between characters but the direction, editing and delivery didn’t have the comic timing to make it effective. For example, one of Nimal’s favorite clients asks him to use black magic to stop a colleague from filing a case against him in court. He asks Nimal to “shut his mouth” but not to kill him. Nimal sends his jinni after the client’s colleague, and this is where we are first introduced to Eyoopee’s jinni character. The victim’s motorcycle breaks down in a suitably abandoned and creepy area; presumably the jinni’s doing even though this is never clarified. Then the jinni appears behind him in a puff of black smoke and proceeds to “shut his mouth” by actually sealing his mouth shut using the exact same technique that Agent Smith uses on Mr Anderson in the interrogation room scene from The Matrix. For some reason the poor dude dies while suffering from this highly random situation. From a heart attack caused by shock and fright, I presumed at first, but Nimal later tells his client (dead pan, with a straight face and no hint of smirking) that the death was a side-effect caused directly by having had his mouth closed. Literally. Har har. Good dark humor there. However, due to the way the scene was shot and edited, it wasn’t funny and no one laughed. Also, the victim apparently suffocated to death because of his sealed mouth, but his nose seemed to be in perfectly good working order. Why would he suffocate just because his mouth was sealed? Perhaps his nose was blocked due to a cold or something. Congestion can be a killer. That would explain it.

Before moving on let’s discuss the way that the jinni appears and disappears in a puff of smoke. In his first appearance, we see some dark smoke puffing and gathering behind (or in front, couldn’t really tell due to the way the 3D made me go cross-eyed) the first victim. And when the victim turns around there’s Eyoopee standing right next to him, appearing suddenly accompanied by the loud sound of a huge drum! Seriously, everything in this movie happens accompanied by the sound of a huge drum being banged mercilessly! In his first appearance as the powerful jinni, Eyoopee is dressed in black, hair tousled and sweating as if he’d run a whole 1000 kilometer marathon in a minute to get there. The next time he materializes it’s inside Nimal’s room after being summoned by the black magician. When the camera cuts to him, the jinni has already materialized in the room but there’s a huge tuft of black smoke emanating from behind him, as if he’s just let a huge one rip! Once the supernaturally evil fart-smoke disappears, the jinni looks up slowly, as if to say, “Yea, I did it. That was me!” I don’t understand why they couldn’t have shown him materializing with a cool fiery and smoky effect. There are enough After Effects tutorials on how to do that on the Internet, after all. But this fart-smoke materialization isn’t impressive at all. Most of the other VFX were not as cool as I had expected from the trailers either. The problem, I think, was the 3D.

The 3D makes all the VFX work look like it was done on a separate layer several inches in front of the actors. The various VFX elements never blend in enough with the real footage to convince the eyes that they are actually real. Even in the scene where Fareela looks at her hand as she starts slowly disintegrating, it doesn’t look like the disintegration effect is happening to her face and hands. It looks like there’s another layer several inches in front of her that’s actually disintegrating and floating away. When you look at the scenes in 2D (just close one eye), the VFX compositing and blending looks fine though.

One of the worst things about the movie is Eyoopee’s portrayal of the central character, the powerful jinni. I think he might have been going for the “dark, brooding and quiet but brimming with danger and malice on the inside” kind of portrayal but what it comes off as is “I’m really constipated and trying to hold in this fart of epic proportions so I can’t make any sudden moves” portrayal. Which, in hindsight, really goes well with the fart-smoke materialization scene, now that I think about it. Also, I really don’t understand why he had to look like a hobo all the time. In most movies, when you portray a supernatural being, there is a certain look to the person that puts him apart from normal humans. Usually the character is more handsome or beautiful than the others around him, and looks immaculately clean and fresh, like he’s just stepped out of the shower or something. Most times the supernatural characters give off a vibe or emanate a sense of being in total control of himself and his surroundings. Lording over all and everything type of thing, you know. In essence, being effortlessly superior to everyone at all times and in all respects. Eyoopee always appears flustered, sweaty, with his hair in a tangled mess and his shirt looking crumpled as if he’d been sleeping on some pavement for a few nights after being kicked out of the house for drinking all day and night. In short, looking like a hobo.

Anyway, back to the story. So now that we know that the Hobo-Jinni is being controlled by Nimal for his own nefarious money-grubbing schemes, we get to the part where Nimal makes a deal with the lovesick Faisal to make Fareela fall in love with him. What follows is a few slightly amusing scenes where Faisal tries to get a lock of Fareela’s hair for the black magic ritual. He succeeds in the end by sneaking into her room in the middle of the night and cutting off a lock of her hair while she’s asleep. This is actually easier than it sounds since Fareela apparently doesn’t believe in locking doors. Nimal then sends the Hobo-Jinni over to Fareela’s house to do the voodoo while she’s asleep. And predictably, Hobo-Jinni falls in love with Fareela, I’m assuming because she looks exactly like his wife. No, not in real life. I mean in the movie. See, in a flashback they show Fareela and Eyoopee being all lovey-dovey until some evil black magician traps Fareela in a spell (for some reason) and destroys her while Eyoopee watches on the ground helplessly screaming “NOOOOOOO!” However, even though Hobo-Jinni falls in love with Fareela, he goes ahead and does the voodoo on her so that she immediately falls in love with Faisal. So the next time Faisal calls her in the middle of the night, she’s like “oooh Salley! I’ve been waiting all my life for you.”

After that, things finally seem to going well for Faisal and he concocts a plan to get Fareela alone with him by arranging an office trip to an uninhabited island. At this point Fareela is already in love with Faisal and practically climbing all over him, so what follows doesn’t really make a lot of sense. First Faisal arranges the trip and takes three others with him on the trip. Then he tries to drug her repeatedly during the trip… in order to rape her while she’s unconscious? I honestly don’t know. In the end, due to the Hobo-Jinni’s interference, he ends up drugging himself with the date rape drug and falling asleep.

Meanwhile, the Hobo-Jinni takes matters into his own hands and starts wooing Fareela himself during the trip, even though he had been warned and threatened by Nimal not to do so. First, the Hobo-Jinni goes to the uninhabited island that Faisal plans to take Fareela and the gang to, and somehow gets rid of the caretaker of the island who is named Jinaa. It is not made clear whether the Hobo-Jinni kills the real Jinaa or not, but after stealing the real Jinaa’s red and black checkered shirt, he assumes his role and the real Jinaa is never seen of or heard from again. So while Faisal is sleeping off his own rape date drug, Jinaa sweeps Fareela off her feet with his quiet disposition and awkward conversation skills, which is mostly in the vein of “you won’t know it even if a jinni is sitting right next to” and “I could be a jinni and you wouldn’t know it.”
When Faisal finds out that his black magic has stopped working and that Fareela is now making googly eyes at the sweaty caretaker of the uninhabited island he really loses his… er, temper and calls up Nimal to complain and whine. Nimal immediately realizes what’s going on decides to destroy Jinaa for disobeying him.

At this point it is somehow revealed, through the use of confusing flashbacks, that the evil black magician who had killed the Hobo-Jinni’s wife (who looks exactly like Fareela) in a previous scene is apparently in possession of a thaveedu/badi which he wears around his neck at all times which makes him immune to any kind of attack from a jinni. So the Hobo-Jinni is rendered helpless against him. Then the evil (but apparently extremely stupid) black magician boasts about his amazing thaveedhu/badi to Nimal (who may or may not be the Hobo-Jinni in disguise) and Nimal decides to steal it from the evil magician while he’s asleep, since this particular thaveedhu/badi apparently only works on jinni and he had taken no precautions against having it stolen in his sleep by a human (or a jinni posing as a human). Shortly after Nimal escapes with the thaveedhu/badi, the Hobo-Jinni confronts the evil magician and takes revenge on him for killing his wife.

Without the thaveedhu/badi, the evil magician is helpless and dies a painful death. Then the Hobo-Jinni for some reason heads over to Nimal and hands over the thaveedhu/badi to him, saying that it will give Nimal the power over Jinnis and that he will obey Nimal from now on. Yea, WTF eh? I’m confused. Who actually stole the thaveedhu/badi? (See *Note at bottom for more on this) Was it the Hobo-Jinni? But wasn’t it warded against him? If it was Nimal who stole it, then why did the Hobo-Jinni had it in his possession?

But that’s not all. Right after this the movie hits us with another big twist. Apparently the Hobo-Jinni didn’t really handover a genuine thaveedhu/badi to Nimal. He had handed over some junk trinket to Nimal to make him think he was in power even though he really wasn’t. So when Nimal tries to destroy the Hobo-Jinni, the Hobo-Jinni suddenly turns on his Batman-voice and says: “GHWAASYOOOSHTH? BFHHWWWLLDLDDJGWWW!!! GHHHD WHHHAIIFFFASSSSSHHHHBW HHHHIIIIISSNNNN?” Yea, I didn’t understand a word of that either. And then Nimal dies. And there’s cockroaches running over… well, in the air several inches above his face. This VFX shot is particularly bad and all the several different elements that make up the shot to make it look like the rotting corpse of Nimal’s face is overrun by cockroaches look like they are floating in front of one another even when not viewed in 3D. So why did the Hobo-Jinni do the voodoo on Fareela in the first place? He was under no compulsion to do so if the thaveedhu/badi was actually a fake. Perhaps he just wanted to keep the charade in place for some reason. Who knows how the minds of these Hobo-Jinnis work anyway.

After being unable to get in contact with Nimal, Faisal loses all hope of ever being able to win Fareela. However, his close friend advises him that if he can’t get Fareela in the time-honored traditional method of using black magic, then it was time to take her by force. So Faisal heads off to find Fareela to do just that. Fareela is meanwhile finding out some amazing things about Jinaa, whom she is now head over heels in love with. These amazing discoveries (which include the fact that Jinaa is not Jinaa but a Hobo-Jinni that has fallen in love with her because she looks exactly like his ex-wife, who may or may not be a jinni) doesn’t sit too well with her and he tells Jinaa to vamoose while she does some soul searching by herself. In a forest. In the dark.

That’s where Faisal finds her, presumably locating her by the clever use of GPS satellites, and decides to take what’s rightfully his by force, as is the other traditional Maldivian way. After failing to fight off the sex-crazed Faisal with a stick that she pokes at the camera and making the audience go cross-eyed, Fareela finally decides to call for supernatural backup.

“JINAAAA!”

And immediately Faisal finds himself on his back, thrown through the air and deposited unceremoniously on his ass about 20 feet away from Fareela. BAM! Instantly! Because, the Hobo-Jinni is that fast and powerful. Even after this amazing feat of strength and power, Faisal still has no clue that he’s fighting a supernatural being. Materializing in front of him and throwing him through the air like a raggedy doll wasn’t a convincing enough clue, apparently. So Faisal decides to trash-talk the Hobo-Jinni into backing down. When that fails, he picks up a kathivalhi that’s sticking out of tree branch nearby and throws it at the camera! He doesn’t throw it at the Hobo-Jinni; he throws it at the camera! The blade misses the Hobo-Jinni by several feet, passing harmlessly past him in slow motion as he looks at it soulfully.  The blade flies through the air in super slow-motion… and buries itself in Fareela’s stomach at super fast speed. At this point it’s obvious that the Hobo-Jinni could have caught the blade in mid-air, or moved into its path and deflected the blade with any part of his body, or stop in mid flight, or even turn the blade into chicken feathers as it flies past him.

However, he does none of these. He just stands there, going through the totally unnecessary motions of attempting to look like he had coolly dodged the blade that wasn’t even going to hit him in the first place, so I’m assuming it was the Hobo-Jinni’s plan all along to have Faisal murder Fareela. But once the Hobo-Jinni notices the blade sticking out of Fareela’s belly, he turns towards Faisal and lets out a roar that would put Simba’s roar in The Lion King to shame. In fact, it probably was an enhanced version of that roar. Or maybe a dinosaur roar from Jurassic Park. Either way, this finally manages to put all the pieces of the puzzle together in Faisal’s head and he comes to the conclusion that this sweaty caretaker is no ordinary man. An ordinary man wouldn’t roar like a lion, surely! Right? Naturally, he makes a break for it while the Hobo-Jinni is cradling Fareela in his arms as she sobs and tells him she loves him… before dying.

Devastated by Fareela’s sudden and completely avoidable death, the Hobo-Jinni hunts down Faisal and kills him by heating him up and causing a layer of burning skin to appear several inches in front of his face… if you’re watching in 3D, that is. If you’ve closed one eye and are watching in glorious 2D, Faisal’s face starts burning and he dies a scorching death. And that’s it. There is one more scene where Reeko Moosa’s voice is heard asking some random girl on a beach at night what “Zoona” was doing all alone there. I’m guessing this scene is supposed to tie up with the beginning of the original Fathishandhuvaru. Although, that makes no sense either, since that’s not how it happened.

Anyway, the 3D headache aside, I had a great time watching this movie and thoroughly enjoyed it. I would recommend it to everyone who loves watching Dhivehi movies. It’s definitely a step in some random direction for the local movie industry, but not necessarily a step in the right direction or even forward.

*Note: A reader of this blog and someone who had unfortunately suffered through the movie pointed out that the reason Nimal steals the thaveedhu/badi from the evil magician is on the request of the Hobo-Jinni. So this scene kind of makes scene. But honestly, I don't recall having seen that particular scene. Might have nodded off for a bit there. Apologies for the mistake. 

Sunday, 15 April 2012

Bakhabaru presents A Movie Review Based on the Movie Poster for Fathaah’s Love Story

By Ahmed Rushdie

We know how you guys… ok, ok, ONE of you anyway, absolutely love our movie reviews. So here’s our review of Director Fathaah’s “Love Story” Based on its Movie Poster, written by our very own guest movie reviewer, Ahmed Rushdie.
Hold the applause, please. For now… what’s that?
What does “based on its movie poster” mean? Exactly what it says, my soon-to-be-comatose audience. EXACTLY what it says! Because, let’s face it. Who here actually has the time, patience, metabolism, deo spray, and the buns of steel to survive every Dhivehi movie that is screened at Olympus Sauna? Not us, that’s for damn sure. So we’ve decided to do this review the traditional Bakhabaru way and just wing it by looking at the poster of the movie for a few seconds. So just sit back, relax and try not to move your lips as you read the words of this wonderful review.

Also, be warned that although we’ve tried our best to keep this a spoiler-free review, there’s no guarantee that some of the scenes depicted here doesn’t actually happen in the movie.

Like all his movies, Fathaah’s “Love Story” is, by sheer coincidence, an entirely different movie (see what we did there? *wink wink nudge nudge*). It is also the most romantic movie ever made, just like all other local movies. No seriously, this is THE MOST ROMANTIC FILM EVER! Why? Because it says so on the frikkin’ poster, dammit! All your arguments are invalid.
The movie begins with our introduction to Seezan, an amazingly talented watercolor artist, who is just putting the final touches on his latest work of art. The location, incidentally, is a long stretch of gorgeous Maldivian beach around midday, made all the more stunning due to the color saturation and contrast having been jacked up quite a bit in a post-production color grading session. Ceezan is wearing his sunglasses, of course, and white pants… and nothing else! Fathaah’s directorial vision really shines through here as the camera pans slowly over Seexan’s naked back and other uncovered areas of his body, highlighting his tanned skin and sweaty torso, while he works tirelessly to complete his next masterpiece. Suddenly, Cseezan hears the sound of female laughter. Annoyed at the interruption, he turns and sees a girl in a blue top and jeans (who we think is Aamira, but can’t really tell from the poster) running in slow motion across the beach towards him. Time stops and then resumes as they burst into song. After the song Cyzan professes his love for Aamira and they agree to get married before the next song.
But things now take a turn for the worse because Rishmee (the girl wearing a pink-top in the poster) is also in love with Csyzan and isn’t very happy with being Friend-zoned at the very beginning of the movie. For the next one and half hour of the movie, Rishmee tries to cause all sorts of mischief by going through all the tricks in the “Quick & Dirty Guide to Breaking Up Couples” book and failing miserably. Aamira knows what Rishmy is up to while Csyxan, the moron that he is, naturally refuses to believe Rishmee is up to anything, even though Syxohn is presented with enough indisputable evidence to convince even a deaf, dumb, blind and dead Maldivian judge otherwise. Despite all the time Rishmee wastes in movie hours on breaking up the lovebirds, they eventually marry and Rishmee is heart-broken. She sings some sad songs during which Seexohn begins to suspect, but only slightly, that she might actually, maybe, sort of, have feelings-ish for him. This goes on for a while until the last half an hour of the movie when the huge twist kicks in and changes EVERYTHING!
You probably won’t even suspect this even if you watch the movie a few times (we don’t know what would compel you to do something suicidal like that but we never know) but it’s apparent to us from the movie poster. So we’ll just tell you what the huge twist is. The astonishing surprise is that Aamira isn’t real! She’s a watercolor painting! Sceazorn had fallen in love with his own painting, a slight departure from the numerous times he had fallen in love with his own reflection. When Aamira realizes that even a numbskull like Scyxahn was able to figure out her watery secret she decides to fly off into the sky! But Ceaxarn isn’t about to let his recently found soul mate leave without putting up a bit of a fight. Just as Aamira spreads her hands and rises into the air to disappear into whatever dimension that she had appeared from at the beginning of the movie, Seizern runs up to her and hugs her around her waist… and just refuses to let go! A really lengthy song follows and it is THE MOST AWKWARD SONG EVER!
Meanwhile, the second epic twist is unleashed on the unsuspecting audience. It turns out that Rishmee isn’t in love with Sciyxohn at all. She’s just in love with Sceyxorn’s left leg!!! Mind=blown! Take that, Inception! Anyway, Rishmee appears at the scene just as Scyzhn grabs hold of Aamira’s waist. Stricken with fear that she might lose the only limb she has ever loved in the entire world, Rishmee rushes forward and grabs Cyzn’s left leg… and just refuses to let go! At this awkwardly epic moment, the movie should have ended. But it doesn’t. It goes on for another half an hour or so and throws in several song and dance numbers just to make things even more ridiculous. The movie finally, thankfully, ends when in a fit of jealous rage Rishmee takes a rusty hacksaw and cuts off Sceixn left leg while he is taking a refreshing bubble bath in his private resort island. The final image of Rishmee walking off into a Maldivian sunset while holding tightly to her beloved limb and cooing naughty little nothings to it will stay in this reviewer’s mind forever.

You may also like:

Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Ahem... cough.

cough cough... is this thing on? Hello? tap tap tap... *squeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeellll*

Wednesday, 9 March 2011

Saint Fareed to Host the Ultimate Show Before Departing to Hell

by Mohamed Headset

 

Mulla_quitsMDPSt. Fareed, one of the most well-known Gatekeepers of Hell, is preparing to give a final “Ultimate” show to the people of the Maldives before departing back to Hell to resume his duties at the Fiery Gates.

He said that since this would be his “Ultimate Final” show, it would be the most epic!

“Like nothing the world has ever seen or will again,” he promised.

Speaking to Bakhabaru reporters last night, the reviled scholar of all things damned and about-t0-be-damned expressed his satisfaction with his brief but eventful stay on Earth these last several years.

“I have managed to accomplish many of the targets I set out to accomplish when I fled from Hell a couple of years back,” St. Fareed told Bakhabaru reporters while twirling the twin ends of his famous bifurcated beard between the thumb and index finger of each hand. “I have become very famous in the Maldives, performing live to packed stadiums, rooms, bedrooms and corridors on many, many occasions. Valentine’s Day has been renamed to St Fareed’s Day in the Maldives. I host seminars on advanced sex techniques where I get to do live demonstrations with female audience members. All in all, I can honestly say that my smug mug is more famous than Jesus himself in this no-camel country. And thanks to my celebrity status as someone you don’t wanna f*** with, I have been able to fulfill my lifelong dream of having sex with more than just my hand. There are other reasons too… a lot of them in fact, but I can’t really recall any off the top of my head right now.”

When asked why this will be his final performance before departing to complete his several centuries long tenure as one of the Gatekeepers of Hell, St Fareed said that even though he was cleverer than most Hell-spawn, he couldn’t evade the minions of Hell forever.

“It’s a constant struggle trying to evade them,” he said. “It’s pretty exhausting. I’ve tried dark sunglasses, joke disguises, new beard-styles including several kinds of fancy braids with colourful bows, hiding in a black ninja buruga, everything… but they always find me in the end. So I finally made a deal with them. Hell has offered me a pretty sweet deal if I come back and resume my duties and this is not the kind of offer I want to turn down. My harem of beautiful women in Male’ is pretty awesome… but they can’t compare to the slutty women I can get in Hell, you know. They can do things to a man that you couldn’t even imagine… ooooh… gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. brrrrr! Oh yeah, that’s the stuff! Soooo… anyhoo,  it’s time to say goodbye to my followers and take this party back to Hell.”

St Fareed - although pretty well-known in some circles that believe that the length of a man’s trousers and bad fashion sense was the key to Heaven - didn’t burst into public limelight until wanted posters from Hell began appearing all over Male’ some years back. It was later revealed that the wanted posters had been a failed attempt by the minions of Hell who had tried to capture St Fareed through the clever use of advertising. The posters had proclaimed in bold letters: “Who is Hell calling for? Saint Fareed!” The minions had expected the decent people of Male’ would immediately seek St. Fareed out, apprehend him and turn him over. However, Hell had underestimated St. Fareed’s cleverness, for he promptly turned the posters to his advantage and proceeded to host a show where he regaled rapt audiences with tales of his swashbuckling adventures in Hell . Everyone loves a good adventure-horror-love story and the show was packed. Overnight, St Fareed became a sensation! Several successful jam-packed shows cemented his status as one of the best horror-story tellers around.

“They say to talk about what you know, and as a Gatekeeper of Hell for several centuries, I know Hell pretty much as well as anybody possibly can,” St Fareed said. “That is the secret of my success. Every now and then you’d get one of those silly skeptics or idiotic atheists coming up to me after one of my stellar shows and asking me how the Hell, no pun intended, I know so much about Hell. Have I been to Hell? Flaming idiots! Of course I have! This is also the big difference between me and my archrival Saint Ilyas.”

The rivalry between St Fareed and St Ilyas has been well documented for a while. While the former has reached near cult figure status among his followers due to the unimaginably violent scenes he portrays in his fantastical stories, the latter has amassed a similar following through the subtle manipulation of their more carnal desires and feeding cleverly disguised but still explicit pornography to the masses. Both had tried to get their names associated with Valentine’s Day which has never ever and will never ever be celebrated in the Maldives. Ever.

While St. Fareed had won that contest and been officially declared the patron saint of all Maldivian lovers, St Ilyas had not taken his defeat in that particular contest lying down. Taking the time to hone his storytelling technique to a fine point, St Ilyas went on a whirlwind tour to promote his vision of what Heaven was like, and in short while became the Maldivian equivalent to what the bastard love-child of Hugh Heffner and Larry Flynt would have been, if that was even possible of course.

“While I actually know what I am talking about when I tell my loyal followers about the majesty and wonders of Hell, that Fake Ilyas has no idea what he’s talking about,” St Fareed said through gritted teeth, spittle flying out in all directions and some dripping from the ends of his twin beards like water-drops from a melting icicle. “Talking about the virgins of Heaven and going into detail about every smooth sinuous curve and every soft bump of their bodies… you’d think he’d actually seen or maybe even touched one of them doe-eyed eternal virgins he speaks so fondly of. But I know it isn’t so. Why, I bet he hasn’t even been in a foursome yet! The hypocrite! I’ve already booked his ticket to Hell. Oh I’m going to enjoy kicking him in through the gates of Hell. Hyuk hyuk! Oh by the way, where is that slutty whore of a reporter who interviewed me the last time around… Aishath Antenna, was it? Where is she? I’ve been looking for her for a while now. Would have made a good addition to my har… HEY! Where are you going? Come back here! Where is she??? She wants me too! I know it! GET BACK HERE NOW, YOU HELL-FODDER!!!”

Bakhabaru has been notified that St Fareed’s final warning, titled “Farewell The Russ” (so far we have been unable to find out who or what “The Russ” is), will be held tomorrow night at some place in Male’. Those interested in having the living excrement scared out of them by horror stories too horrifying to relate here, are encouraged to attend. While entry to the show is free, use of toilets is subject to a small charge.

Sunday, 10 October 2010

The Skinny Disease

And now for something entirely different from our spanking new roving reporter, Ahmed Widescreen!

So you are at an intersection waiting for the light to go green. The day is hot and ever so bright. You only want to curse that bastard who came up with the silly idea of waiting turns to cross an intersection under the bloody hot sun. Then your mind wanders, whether you should find a better spot with shade under a tree perhaps, or set your bike gear to one so you can speed off faster than the Paatey who always seems to be running late for a Bike Racers Association meeting or something.

 
Then you notice the Paatey.

Paateys, they have always been a notorious bunch. Calling themselves vicious names like that ‘country with that war’. Or associating themselves with animalistic logos that strike fear in to our non-gangster hearts and makes us shit in to our non-threatening underwear.

 

Boo!

Boo!

This particular Paatey was one of the “infected”. By a fashion trend so devastating that people who are subjected to this god-awful plague rarely recover. (Unless you willingly burn your entire wardrobe, friends, and family and let Mr Old Spice buy you new clothes and give yourself a petroleum jelly enema.)

SKINNY JEANS! Of a color I can only describe as baby shit yellow. The notorious Paatey was wearing baby shit yellow skinny jeans. Then you see the person on the passenger seat of his Airblade. (A type of scooter; associated with Paateys for unknown reasons) It is another Paatey with skinny jeans, this time I can only describe the color as “FALOODHA”.

clip_image001 
It’s pink but more delicious in a totally gay perspective.

For the readers who are unaware of what a skinny jeans is. They are very very tight pants made for women. Yet some people insist that it is unisex. How do we know that it is made for women and not for men? Easy. There is physically no room for the man’s junk in those pants.

 

clip_image002[7]

NO VACANCY!!!!

Unless you have equipment of microscopic scale, you would need surgery to remove your manhood before you can masquerade in one of these jeans. For the few who are able wear them you either have to wear it below bum line exposing your boxers or get a job voicing for one of the chipmunks. Sadly this is not a style by choice; it’s a disease.


It’s a disease affecting the youth of 2010. Targeting the semi-confused-borderline-Hipster Paateys.  The disease first started off in a stealthy black, like a ninja. Then after creating its presence in the minds of the Paateys who wants to secretly look fabulous, they started to evolve into even more terrifying forms, COLORS!!!

clip_image002[9]

Egad! They are everywhere!!!

At that moment I felt sorry for the infected Paateys. They had no idea about the disease which was slowly killing their originality and uniqueness. We don’t know when this unisex, metro mumbo-jumbo decided to invade the men’s world. It might have started with the confused Paateys deciding to wear Eyeliner (Guyliner or Gayliner if you want to be accurate) in the confused hopes of looking like Jack Sparrow or the Village Whore. Or maybe it started when another confused Paatey decided to highlight his hair in bright pink in the hopes of being more attractive to the opposite/same sex. We would never know. But now that we know we have a problem we can tackle it head on. Recent studies showed that 3 out of 4 skinny jeans are worn by men.

clip_image002

Guess which one is the girl?

There have been frequent extreme cases, few irreversible infections and the rare miraculously cured Paateys from this disease. This small country faced with such a massive worldwide problem should ask ourselves: “Is the government doing anything about this?”
“Yes” Stated the Chief of Commissioner of Fashion Police of the Maldives, Mr. Ey Faseeh, in a press briefing about these extreme cases of skinny jeans. “We are currently raiding the homes of the extreme skinny jeansed men, confiscating their entire wardrobe. We are also offering them a rehabilitation program and a new wardrobe with regular awesome men’s clothing.” Mr. Ey Faseeh did not comment any further as he was too busy sporting awesome men’s fashion apparels.

If you have a friend or a family member who is a Paatey and might be in danger of being infected by the skinny jeans disease, please do the merciful thing and kill them.

 clip_image002[11]

Hurry!! Before we are all doomed!!!

Popular Posts