Bakhabaru presents A Movie Review Based on the Movie Poster for Fathaah’s Love Story

By Ahmed Rushdie

We know how you guys… ok, ok, ONE of you anyway, absolutely love our movie reviews. So here’s our review of Director Fathaah’s “Love Story” Based on its Movie Poster, written by our very own guest movie reviewer, Ahmed Rushdie.

Hold the applause, please. For now… what’s that?

What does “based on its movie poster” mean? Exactly what it says, my soon-to-be-comatose audience. EXACTLY what it says! Because, let’s face it. Who here actually has the time, patience, metabolism, deo spray, and the buns of steel to survive every Dhivehi movie that is screened at Olympus Sauna? Not us, that’s for damn sure. So we’ve decided to do this review the traditional Bakhabaru way and just wing it by looking at the poster of the movie for a few seconds. So just sit back, relax and try not to move your lips as you read the words of this wonderful review.

Also, be warned that although we’ve tried our best to keep this a spoiler-free review, there’s no guarantee that some of the scenes depicted here doesn’t actually happen in the movie.

Like all his movies, Fathaah’s “Love Story” is, by sheer coincidence, an entirely different movie (see what we did there? *wink wink nudge nudge*). It is also the most romantic movie ever made, just like all other local movies. No seriously, this is THE MOST ROMANTIC FILM EVER! Why? Because it says so on the frikkin’ poster, dammit! All your arguments are invalid.

The movie begins with our introduction to Seezan, an amazingly talented watercolor artist, who is just putting the final touches on his latest work of art. The location, incidentally, is a long stretch of gorgeous Maldivian beach around midday, made all the more stunning due to the color saturation and contrast having been jacked up quite a bit in a post-production color grading session. Ceezan is wearing his sunglasses, of course, and white pants… and nothing else! Fathaah’s directorial vision really shines through here as the camera pans slowly over Seexan’s naked back and other uncovered areas of his body, highlighting his tanned skin and sweaty torso, while he works tirelessly to complete his next masterpiece. Suddenly, Cseezan hears the sound of female laughter. Annoyed at the interruption, he turns and sees a girl in a blue top and jeans (who we think is Aamira, but can’t really tell from the poster) running in slow motion across the beach towards him. Time stops and then resumes as they burst into song. After the song Cyzan professes his love for Aamira and they agree to get married before the next song.

But things now take a turn for the worse because Rishmee (the girl wearing a pink-top in the poster) is also in love with Csyzan and isn’t very happy with being Friend-zoned at the very beginning of the movie. For the next one and half hour of the movie, Rishmee tries to cause all sorts of mischief by going through all the tricks in the “Quick & Dirty Guide to Breaking Up Couples” book and failing miserably. Aamira knows what Rishmy is up to while Csyxan, the moron that he is, naturally refuses to believe Rishmee is up to anything, even though Syxohn is presented with enough indisputable evidence to convince even a deaf, dumb, blind and dead Maldivian judge otherwise. Despite all the time Rishmee wastes in movie hours on breaking up the lovebirds, they eventually marry and Rishmee is heart-broken. She sings some sad songs during which Seexohn begins to suspect, but only slightly, that she might actually, maybe, sort of, have feelings-ish for him. This goes on for a while until the last half an hour of the movie when the huge twist kicks in and changes EVERYTHING!

You probably won’t even suspect this even if you watch the movie a few times (we don’t know what would compel you to do something suicidal like that but we never know) but it’s apparent to us from the movie poster. So we’ll just tell you what the huge twist is. The astonishing surprise is that Aamira isn’t real! She’s a watercolor painting! Sceazorn had fallen in love with his own painting, a slight departure from the numerous times he had fallen in love with his own reflection. When Aamira realizes that even a numbskull like Scyxahn was able to figure out her watery secret she decides to fly off into the sky! But Ceaxarn isn’t about to let his recently found soul mate leave without putting up a bit of a fight. Just as Aamira spreads her hands and rises into the air to disappear into whatever dimension that she had appeared from at the beginning of the movie, Seizern runs up to her and hugs her around her waist… and just refuses to let go! A really lengthy song follows and it is THE MOST AWKWARD SONG EVER!

Meanwhile, the second epic twist is unleashed on the unsuspecting audience. It turns out that Rishmee isn’t in love with Sciyxohn at all. She’s just in love with Sceyxorn’s left leg!!! Mind=blown! Take that, Inception! Anyway, Rishmee appears at the scene just as Scyzhn grabs hold of Aamira’s waist. Stricken with fear that she might lose the only limb she has ever loved in the entire world, Rishmee rushes forward and grabs Cyzn’s left leg… and just refuses to let go! At this awkwardly epic moment, the movie should have ended. But it doesn’t. It goes on for another half an hour or so and throws in several song and dance numbers just to make things even more ridiculous. The movie finally, thankfully, ends when in a fit of jealous rage Rishmee takes a rusty hacksaw and cuts off Sceixn left leg while he is taking a refreshing bubble bath in his private resort island. The final image of Rishmee walking off into a Maldivian sunset while holding tightly to her beloved limb and cooing naughty little nothings to it will stay in this reviewer’s mind forever.

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