Maldivian archeologists working in association with the National Museum and the National Centre for Linguistic and Historical Research have uncovered a ‘bonanza’ of evidence to support a formerly rejected theory that Maldives isn't a 100% Muslim country anymore, a fact that the Government’s tourism brochures and other literature still stubbornly resist. The announcement came hot behind the news of the discovery of a huge ‘granite’ Buddha in one of the local resorts that seems to have thrown the collective panties of the local population into a twist.
Despite the efforts of both the government and the opposition political parties to put their own spin on the news to promote their own agenda, Bakhabaru reporters were able to infiltrate the heavily guarded archeological site to discover the shocking truth that not only had the archeologists also discovered hundreds of miniature Buddha statues, they had also found what appeared to be the living, breathing reincarnation of Buddha, along with a whole troupe of topless female worshippers singing and dancing around him. Several Bakhabaru reporters, being Maldivian and so apparently ready to convert to any other religion at the drop of a cross or skullcap, promptly converted to Buddhism and had to be forcefully brought back by skeptics Ali Antenna and Ahmed Satellite, who eventually managed to prove with the help of DNA tests that what they had mistaken for a reincarnated Buddha had in fact actually been British billionaire Sir Phillip Green.
“It was an honest mistake,” Ali Antenna said later. “The resemblance was uncanny. Except for the hairy chest and back, of course. But then again one could argue that it’s probably very difficult to depict hairy chests on a stone representation so that wasn’t much to go in the first place.”
It is unclear what Phillip Green had been doing sitting in a lotus position in the middle of the archeological site surrounded by extremely hot, half-naked dancing babes… er… women, but many suspect it was yoga.
At a news conference held at Landaa Giraavaru resort by the archeologists to announce their latest discovery, Abbas Ibrahim, leading archeologist of the project, revealed that the latest find was the biggest discovery of a religious site dedicated to a religion other than Islam that they had found in the Maldives so far. He said that the site was even bigger than the one they had found inside actor/journalist/human rights activist/documentary maker/filmmaker/terrorist, Jennifer Latheef’s bedroom.
“It’s like… big, y’know!” Abbas Ibrahim said. “Freaking huge…-” He held out his hands as far as they would go and then edged a little to the left and then to the right to show that the hugeness exceeded the reach of his hands somewhat.
“Awkwardly stated, but essentially correct,” agreed Yumna Maumoon Abdul Gayoom, who had also accompanied Abbas Ibrahim along on the project on behalf of the NCLHR. “The discovery has caused the proverbial excrement to hit the fan as far as theories on whether Maldives is a 100% Muslim country anymore is concerned.”
“-and when they dance they flop around like… huge bouncy things, y’know!” Abbas continued, undeterred by Yumna's interruption.
“Abbas! We’re talking about the Buddha now,” Yumna sighed. “NOT the dancing girls. Calm down, ok?”
“…-and when they do the twist, Holy Phillip Green!” Abbas continued, still lost in his blissful reveries.
Bakhabaru reporters tried to corner a local at the resort to get a quote but most seemed to be too engrossed in deep and meaningful conversations with the breasts of the topless dancers who were taking a break. On closer inspection many of them turned out to be Bakhabaru reporters who were supposedly going undercover to find out more about the discovery. Once they had managed to get out from under the covers the following day, nearly all of them agreed that a giant granite Buddha was the least of their personal concerns.
Other officials from the National Centre for Linguistic and Historical Research, who requested anonymity but had no qualms about being included in pictures once we got some of the topless dancers to pose with them, said that their research had so far shown that the granite statue and the hundreds of smaller counterparts found scattered throughout the site were very old, despite how well preserved the Buddha’s were and how hot and sexy the dancing girls.
When asked where they had come from the anonymous official explained: “We believe they were of European origin, but we’re not really sure as none of us can remember what their faces looked like, but we’re making the call based on research of certain physical attributes, two prominent ones in fact, that we examined in minute and lengthy detail. I’m sorry… what? Oh, you meant where did the Buddhas came from? Sorry, I thought you were talking about the dancing girls. Anyway, I’m sorry we haven’t had time to research the Buddhas yet but it’s kind of obvious isn’t it?”
Opposition websites have already posted several articles claiming that the Buddhas had been imported into the country in direct violation of the country’s religious laws. Other spoof sites such as the ever popular Dhivehi Observer has even gone so far as to claim that Dictator Golhaabo, considered by many to be a myth and by others as a fact of life, had finally rounded the ‘demented corner’ and started building temples in the country.
President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom, has however tried to calm the angered population of the country by saying that it was just a stage.
“It’s just a stage,” he said on his private TV channel, TVM. “It will pass. Don’t worry!”
“Yes it will, O’ Patient One!” agreed Mundhu from off screen.
Yumna Maumoon on the other hand said that the allegations that the statues had been imported into the country was ridiculous and condemned the opposition for downplaying the religious significance of the archaeological find to further promote their agenda.
“The allegations are just silly,” she said. “It’s plain to see that the statues had been here for a long, long time. The tropical heat of the island and the shade from the coconut trees hundreds of feet away had made the atmosphere contribute to keeping the statues from being harmed by the environment and helped preserve them, which explains why they are in such good and seemingly new condition. Besides, Daddy has said that it is illegal for anyone to import religious articles into the country, so there’s no question that the statues had been here from the beginning. In fact, strong evidence suggests that the Buddha had been here long before the Big Bang.”
When Sheikh Fareed was asked to comment on the discovery, he said that he wouldn’t believe the news until he had touched it and seen it with his own eyes.
“Even a video can be faked,” he said. “I will have to see the hot half-naked women prancing around in their panties with my own eyes and touch their heaving bosoms with my own hands before I believe… -say what…? Buddha? What Buddha? Whadyamean there’s a freakin’ Buddha in Maldives??!!”
“I think, y’know, it’s breast that we keep this discovery under wraps for now,” said Abbas. “If news of this discovery were to breast the… I mean, reach the international community, they might want take them to their own countries. And these national treasures belong to our country and since I am in charge of Historical Research I will be taking the girls home for further in-depth examinations.”