President Gayoom vows to bring Maldivian Dictator to justice

by Ahmed Satellite, Male', Maldives

In a move that is sure to further muddy up the already cloudy waters flooding the political landscape of the Maldives, incumbent President, His Excellency President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom has today vowed to bring the Maldivian Dictator, more commonly known as Golhaabo, to justice “no matter what it takes!”

In an exclusive interview with Bakhabaru, President Gayoom, who has been in office far longer than most Maldivians have been alive, said that he believed that the Maldivian Dictator was the source of all the problems that Maldives was currently experiencing.

“I was shocked, simply shocked, by the atrocities this Golhaabo is said to have committed,” said President Gayoom. “I don’t enjoy – or even condone – violence (except in Michael Bay movies, of course) but what this tyrant has done to the people of my country is unforgivable. Isn’t that right, Mundhu?”

“Yes, O’ Beloved Leader,” agreed Mundhu.

“We must find him with all haste and kill him until he dies from it if we are to hasten the reform process.”

“Truly spoken, O’ Mighty Leader,” agreed Mundhu.

When Bakhabaru reporters inquired where he had found the idea for such a novel concept and if he had any evidence backing the notion that Golhaabo really existed, President Gayoom smiled enigmatically and leaned back in his chair.

“Ah, it wasn’t easy,” he said with a self satisfied smile.

“It truly wasn’t, O’ Great Leader,” Mundhu agreed.

“I first came across the name as I was looking myself up on online search engines; it’s the first thing I do when I sit in front of a computer with internet access. Google had several links to articles on an ultra-secret underground website called Dhivehi Observer. Not many Maldivians probably even knows of the site's existence yet; it's so secret. When I tried to click and go to the sites from the links, a message popped up saying that the site was ‘Forbidden’. That’s when my curiosity was roused. No one would have gone to that many lengths to hide the website unless there was some really powerful knowledge in there. It took me about a month to finally crack the site but I did it, didn’t I Mundhu?”

“Yes, you did, O’ All Knowing Tech-guru,” Mundhu agreed.

“Anyway, I used a little known Windows Explorer trick to hack into the site through what I believe was a backdoor. Appropriately enough, the backdoor was made by some of my supporters as the name of the backdoor site was www.gomaumoongo.com; an obvious reference to what the cheerleaders chanted when I was in my teens a few years ago, and used to play cricket. Cricket is a sport, by the way; you can quote me on that.”

President Gayoom went on to reveal that he had browsed through the site filled with top-secret information about Golhaabo which included many incriminating pictures also. Under the strictest confidence Bakhabaru reporters were given a glimpse of some of the less shocking pictures. When Bakhabaru reporters commented on the remarkable likeness between President Gayoom and the so-called Golhaabo, the President smiled again.

“Ah, you’re very observant to have noticed that. This was of course the first thing I noticed too, isn’t that right, Mundhu?”

“Of course, O’ Observant Chief,” Mundhu promptly agreed.

“We are currently investigating the possibility that he might be my evil-twin. It’s possible that we might have been separated at birth but even if he turns out to be my own blood brother, rest assured that I will not flinch at bringing the smack down on his ass!”

“Eloquently phrased, O’ Mighty Smacker!” Mundhu agreed.

“Besides, he has one striking feature that makes it next to impossible for him to hide from me. From the pictures we have of him, we’ve noticed that one of his hands is always red, like it’s covered in blood, possibly from an unfortunate painting accident during his youth. You can’t hide that kind of features for too long.”

Politicians from all the political parties in the Maldives were shocked beyond words when President Gayoom made the announcement early this morning on his local TV channel, TVM.

“Reliable sources have adviced me, and my own minions have confirmed, that once this Dictator is removed from power the Maldives will automatically be restored to its original orderly passive state and it is this great act that will help me get elected in the next elections, and up until the next millennium. I already feel sad for all those who will try to compete against me, but know that I am a forgiving man-“

“Yes, you are, O’ Generous Forgiver!”

“-and erm… was that forgiving or forgetful? I can never remember… anyway... No longer will we harbour hard feelings, right Mundhu?”

“Right you are, O’ Long and Hard Master!”

When Bakhabaru reporters asked how he planned to find Golhaabo, President Gayoom pulled out a rolled up map of Maldives from his pocket and unfolded it. Seeing the nearest wall was some distance away he glanced at Mundhu who promptly took the map from him and stuck a pin on his own forehead. Then he hung the map on it.

The President pulled out a telescoping pointer and extended it. “From what we have been able to gather so far, we believe that Golhaabo is located in Male.” He poked the map with the pointer and a muffled groan came from behind it. “We tracked him from Addu–” he poked the map to show Addu, and there was a yelp and what sounded like ‘Ow! My frikkin’ eye’! “–all the way to Male… right here!” There was another groan and the map folded noticeably from the centre for a few seconds. Sounds that sounded suspiciously like ‘An ice pack! Someone get me an ice pack!’ emanated from behind the map.

“We’re thinking of asking American President George Bush for assistance in carpet bombing the entire island, like he did in Afghanistan when he was looking for Ossie. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry. I would have safely retired to my Aarah retreat long before the bombings begin. Thanks for the concern but there’s nothing to worry about. There might be some civilian casualties, it can’t be avoided, but that’s a small price to pay. Of course, if that fails we can go for Plan B and just nuke the whole island.”

Members of the public and state dignitaries are lining up to congratulate the President on his brave new quest. Bakhabaru reporters took to the streets to get a feel of how the public was taking the news.

“It’s great to have a leader like Gayoom leading us into the next millennium and even beyond,” said a man shouting in ecstasy on the streets. “I know even my great, great, great, great grand children will vote for him if he continues to give the people of Maldives so many reasons to be proud of their country. He is a totally selfless person. All he thinks about is the country. I mean, not many leaders would buy multi-million dollar yachts and build enormous palaces, just for the sake of his countrymen.”

“Gayoom is a shining example to us all,” said another man. “My family and I haven’t had anything to eat in three days but I get a warm feeling when I see him jetting off to exotic locations to dine at expensive restaurants and ride in air-conditioned limousines. I might go hungry but at least he is able to enjoy the benefits of all our work. He’s just an amazing person. The sacrifices he makes for all of us.”

Although most of the Maldives is in celebration following the announcement, some of the opposition members aren’t too happy.

“It’s another Golhaabo trick!” cried MDP Chairperson Mohamed Nasheed (Anni). “He can fool everybody some of the time, but not everyone can be fools all the time. I am a fool most of the time but not everybody is a time most of the… some of the fool… all the time… erm… anyway, something very close to that.”

In related news, local movie producer Aslam Rasheed has announced that he will be making a new movie based on the events.