Tedry finally loses at Maldives Film Festival

Ali Antenna, reporting from outside Olympus Sauna, Male, Maldives

Self-proclaimed visionary and one of the humblest (also self-proclaimed) men currently working in the local film industry, Tedry (Mohamed Niyaz) has lost more than 5 kilos by the end of the controversial Dhivehi Film Awards held last Saturday night in the sweltering heat of Olympus theatre. Bakhabaru reporters were able to get a few words from Tedry as he was making his way out of Olympus theatre, pushing the wheelbarrow filled with the lion’s share of gold-plated trophies.

“It was the happiest night of my life,” Tedry gushed to Ali Antenna, and Ali later swore that he had actually seen Tedry smiling, an event rarer even than the proverbial blue moon. “I have been trying to lose a few kilos for years but Hussain Shihab finally managed to accomplish it. He's a great man.”

Bakhabaru reporters had been allowed backstage access during the show but were thrown out after accidentally mixing up some of the winner’s names on the secret envelopes. Many people believe this was the reason that anyone other than Tedry had been called up on stage to collect a trophy, a fact that Hussain Shihab was very furious about.

“I had planned it for so long and it almost failed because of a few pesky reporters,” Shihab was overheard saying to an Aafathis reporters. “Me and Tedry made the bet that I could make him lose 5 pounds in one day around a decade ago. Since then I have been thinking very hard about how I could bring it about. Obviously the easy way would be to duct-tape his mouth shut but that seemed a wee bit too cruel. And exercise was, of course, out of the question. The challenge for me was to make him WANT to exercise. Finally, two months ago, I had a brainstorm. The Film Festival was the answer. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before.”

Tedry himself admitted that he was shocked after discovering the whole Awards festival had been a sham and had in fact been orchestrated by Shihab to win the bet he had made over 10 years ago.

“I was shocked,” Tedry said. “I mean, I had totally forgotten about the bet, but like any good movie, everything fell into place at the end. The reason I was placed at the very back of the theatre. The need to huff and puff down the aisle to get the awards and then huff and puff back. Why no one else seemed to be winning any awards. Why it was so hellishly hot in there, like a sauna; which was what Shihab in fact intended for it to be. It all clicked when Shihab took me backstage and put me on the weighing machine. He is a genius, no question, although not quite on the same level as me. I am surprised that I didn’t see this coming with my visionary vision. I think Aslam Rasheed has announced that he was planning to produce a movie based on the events.”

Some of the other actors have expressed dissatisfaction that they hadn’t lost any weight at all during the ceremony. Veteran director of several insufferably bad movies, Amjay admitted that he was very pissed off about it and that he wasn’t afraid to go on record about it, even if the record did break.

Shihab admitted that despite all his planning a last minute setback had nearly ruined the whole plan.

“The thing was I didn’t take into account gender when I was writing down the winner’s names on the cards. So I had accidentally written Tedry’s name on the Best Actress and Supporting Actress too. But I managed to catch it right after the first award was announced. Because of that we had to take a 10 minute break while I hastily wrote down some other people’s name so that the cat wouldn’t be let out of the bag too soon. It was then that those Bakhabaru reporters barged it and the mix-up occurred. But thankfully Tedry still had to walk up and down the aisle enough times for him to get some exercise finally. And most importantly, I finally won the bet.”

When asked what he had won from the bet, Shihab frowned for a while and then said: “I… really don’t remember anymore. It was so long ago. I think the bet was that if I could make Tedry lose 5 pounds then he would have to eat a 100 McDonald’s giant burgers in one sitting. Yeah that was it. Wouldn't that be a sight?”

Early yesterday many of the actors in the film industry returned the awards that had been given to them by mistake. When asked about it Ali Seezan, a rising film star and already taller than any of them, said that it was the least he could do.

“I like Tedry as much as anybody,” Seezan said. “And the award rightfully belongs to Tedry. He deserved it. Did you see how valiant and determined he looked as he wheezed up the stairs every time? That’s courage, man! I salute him.”

However, Fathah, another popular director and long time rival of Tedry wasn’t impressed. When Bakhabaru reporters mentioned that Fathah had left the theatre in a huff, Tedry said: “Typical. He is just jealous; he’s not half the man I am!”

When Fathah heard about it he shot back saying: “What’s he talking about? I AM half the man he is, despite the 5 kilos he’s allegedly lost! This was just a cheap publicity stunt to gain attention since he hasn’t been able to move about long enough to make a proper movie in a long time.”