Big Brother Isn’t Amused

by Aishath Antenna

After just about having had enough of the local drama, Sri Lanka President Mahinda Rajapaksa – who singlehandedly beat the Tamil Tigers’ collective terrorist ass – had to make an impromptu visit to the Maldives to give a short but sweet lesson in democracy and statesmanship to the Maldivian politicians.

Recipients of Rajapaksa’s lesson were President Anni (who got an hour long earful that Anni later admitted was the kind of terror-filled lecture you can only describe as piss-in-your-pants while trembling-in-your-little-booties), Opposition Leader Hon. Thasmeen (whose ear got twisted so hard his other ear bled) and Speaker Shahid (who got thoroughly spanked and actually begged for more).

After the lecture was administered Rajapaksa was overheard saying how embarrassed he was of how Maldivian politicians were trying to play the game. He derided them for making him miss the fun back home with his own Government, where his Cabinet was harassing the UN with the old reliable hunger-strike routine right at the doorstep of UN Building in Colombo.

“Let me just say I am not happy. Not happy at all,” he boomed at a few Bakhabaru reporters, who steadfastly held on for dear life to anything that was fastened to the floor in order to avoid being blown away by the hurricane force of his words and spicy breath. “I have our drama queen Minister twitching and gasping on the ground in front of the UN as if he was a fish out of water about to become sushi, and here I am trying to mediate these clowns like they are school kids. I am disgusted!”

He then glared at Chief Justice, Abdulla Saeed, who scuttled away from the disapproving Big Brother.

“I sent in the little guy first. But he wasn’t good enough for Mini-Moon so I had to come down myself to shake some sense into these people,” he boomed at the rapidly diminishing figure of the Chief Justice.

Bakhabaru reporters were able to clarify that the little guy mentioned above just happened to be the Sri Lankan Foreign Minister, Peiris.

Before departing Malé, Rajapaksa was heard muttering that he didn’t want to come down again, and for the Maldivian politicians to clean up their acts. As the plane took off from the International Airport, a loud and ominous “I AM WATCHING YOU!” boomed across the runway, scampering the officials and key people in politics gathered to see him away.