Local pedophiles to organize news conference too

by Ahmed Satellite

Taking their cue from the local gangsters who recently held a news conference at Dharubaaruge to let the public know that they were all essentially just good guys caught up in bad situations, local pedophiles have also banded together and are organizing a similar event at Dharubaaruge.

The leaders of the as yet unnamed group sat down with several reporters from Bakhabaru to talk about their upcoming news conference, a date for which has not yet been confirmed.

“It’s basically a replay of news briefing held by the street gangs of Maldives some days back, except that instead of blood-thirsty murderers we’ll have kid-thirsty perverts,” one of the members organizing the event, a former school teacher who preferred to remain anonymous until the news conference, told Bakhabaru.

He said that the news conference will be attended by some of the most well known and popular sex-offenders in the country and even some from abroad.

“We’ve put the word out that Maldives is a haven for those such as us who have such specific needs,” he said. “We expect fellow pedos from all over the world to converge here for the meeting in Male’. As you know, Maldives is unofficially known as the Sanctuary for Pedophiles. We’ve had Government backing and support for years and some of us who are sometimes convicted of ‘child molestation’ charges are even, under the guise of punishments, granted fresh preying grounds in rural islands away from any prying eyes or the long arm of the so-called law. What more could a pedophile ask for?”

He said that it was how the Maldivian Government, Police and the Maldives National Defence Force completely disregarded the conference room full of wanted murderers and other criminals that had given them enough confidence and courage to get over their bashfulness to come out to tell the world what they really were about.

“It’s when you hide and do things that the Police and Government get on your tail,” the spokes-pedophile told Bakhabaru. “Be bold and just let everyone know what you are about and they wouldn’t bat an eyelid. Besides we are a pretty powerful brotherhood too, just like the street gangs. We hold the future of the country, sometimes quite literally, in our hands.”

Another pedophile in the group said that the groundbreaking conference would forever change the Maldivian public’s opinion about pedophiles, just like it had done for the gangsters a few days before.

“We also wanted to do something for the public, something to show our sincerity and commitment towards doing the things that we will reveal at the upcoming news conference. The street gangs agreed to donate blood; instead of blood we will offer the children we’ve raped or molested a chance for a normal life by proposing to marry them. What could be more generous? When they reach marriageable age, of course. We’re not barbarians, you know.”

It is as yet unclear what the outcome of the planned news conference would be but many other groups -- all of which are pending registration at the moment -- such as the Thieves & Burglars United, Group Sex 4 Life Group, Swingers Live, Weed Meet, and Alcoholics & Loving It have expressed interest in hiring out Dharubaaruge for similar news conferences if the pedophile news conference works out as planned. Bakhabaru was unable to get a comment from the Police or MNDF regarding the planned event as the security forces were all very busy directing traffic, guarding the Presidential Palace, and looking for dangerous criminals who were presumably hiding under small rocks.