ERC to experiment on Male’ crack

by Mohamed Headset

The Environment Research Centre of Maldives has unveiled a revolutionary, and quite possibly its final, plan to discover the truth about the developing crack in the Male’ house reef that has gotten a few locals (at least 3 or 4) worried.

In an interview with Haveeru Daily, the Centre’s Assistant Director General Ahmed Saleem said that he had seen some pictures of the crack and that it wasn’t pretty.

“It was really difficult to get the pictures,” he said. “I had to sort of reach behind me with the camera and judge the angle and everything with the help of a mirror. It wasn’t easy and I wouldn’t recommend it.”

What he had seen in the pictures had horrified him to such an extent that he had immediately made a reservation to get a bikini wax. “It was dark,” Saleem said. “Dark and deep. Very, very deep. And not just your regular deep. This is batshit crazy mother effing deep we’re talking about! But enough about my ass; it’s a very sensitive subject coz I’ve heard too many cracks about it.”

Saleem said that aerial photos taken of Male’ in 1964 and those taken a few days ago showed startling differences.

“For example look at this boat here in this satellite picture we downloaded off Google Earth yesterday,” he explained. “Now look at the same view someone had taken from a plane in 1964. Scary isn’t it? The boat’s disappeared! It’s a complete mystery. We don’t know what happened to it. This might be another Bermuda Triangle; a Maldivian Trapezium!”

Saleem said that another scary thing was how much Male’ had changed in 1964. “Large areas are missing around Male in the pictures taken in 1964. Like the artificial beach area. We can see that they’ve just disappeared… into the sea? Who knows? It’s mindbogglingly scary! Even the Customs area is missing! And the Presidential Palace and its swimming pool too! Who knows where it went? Our research has so far found that the MDP might have a hand in this.”

He went on to reveal the Centre’s plans to make sure once and for all whether the crack in the Male reef was widening.

“The plan is to build a huge 9 or 10 storey building on the area near where the crack is,” he said. “We will build it and see if the island cracks into two under its weight. If it doesn’t then we will build another even bigger building right next to the first one. And wait to see what happens. As this is a very scientific method to prove without a shadow of a doubt that the crack is indeed dangerous, we will keep on building it until we get the result we want. By this experiment we can find out whether it is dangerous to build huge building in the area and everyone can sleep safer because of it. And don’t worry; when the building is completed everyone’s invited to our big opening!”