MDP disgusted with Police for being unreliable and inconsistent

by Mohamed Headset

Following the preliminary autopsy report* released by the Sri Lankan coroner in the case of Hussain Solah, who was found dead in the Male harbor earlier this month, the MDP has expressed distaste at the sheer ineptitude and unreliability of the Maldives Police Service.

“It’s downright disgusting,” said Mohamed Nasheed (Anni), MDP Chairperson. “The one time we actually had evidence of their crimes, it turns out they are innocent after all. It’s just too bad for them. This just goes on to show that you just can’t trust the Maldives Police. They are totally unreliable. Now we’ll just have to fall back to shouting ‘Golhaabo Isthifuaa’ for another month or so, but it just isn’t as fun as it used to be. The Police haven’t even arrested me for chanting that for months now. All the excitement has gone out of my life. I bet they did this on purpose to disillusion me.”

Acting President of the MDP, Zaki, however has not lost all hope and unveiled his new plan: “Remember when Anni was arrested that first time and the public outcry resulted in riots in the streets. In short, remember the glory days of the MDP? Well, with my plan we could have it all back again. If the public outrage at the arrest of Anni was so violent, just imagine what would happen if Anni turned up dead? Under mysterious circumstances! Imagine that! We could have an overnight revolution. However there’s a little problem in that I am having a little trouble selling the idea to Anni. But I’m working on it. This baseball bat here is part of the negotiations I am having with him in private tonight.”

The Maldives Police Service had earlier tried to solve the case by proposing a revolutionary new idea based on eliminating unlikely scenarios but it had been snubbed by the MDP and the general public.

“We gathered all the Policemen in the country and asked them to come up with original scenarios that end with Solah somehow killing himself accidently while trying to commit a heinous crime involving drugs or a Christian missionary,” said a senior Police official, explaining the mechanics behind the revolutionary new theory they had introduced to solve crimes. “We managed to come up with a couple of hundred scenarios of how he could have ended up in the harbor. Then we eliminated all the unlikely scenarios such as the ones where the Police had tortured and beaten him up to get a confession and then all the Police officers voted on the most likely set of events that had led to his demise. We ended up with two very likely theories. The first was that after Solah had been released from our custody without even a scratch on him, he had tried to break into an MDP church to sleep on a pew since he had no place to stay. The MDP priests had gotten really pissed when Solah had attempted to steal their golden cross and hit him on the head with it. Consequently he had lost consciousness and fell off a cliff into the Male harbor several hundred miles below. Yes, I know that bit about him not having a place to stay sounds a bit ridiculous and unbelievable, especially in Male, which is probably why the second theory was the one which got the most votes.”

“The second theory is much more plausible,” the officer continued, “It says that Solah had been released from Police custody without even a scratch on him and he had promptly run off to rob a bank. While on the way he had been abducted by aliens in a UFO who had probed him and conducted several tests on his body and then after mistaking him for a fish, had dumped him into the sea. By the time they had realized their mistake the body had been found by locals and fished out. You have to remember that all this time he was alive, although just barely. He finally died of boredom while waiting for the doctor at IGMH to come and examine him.” The officer further revealed that the Police had been trying to find the evidence to back up the theory when they had had to cave in to public pressure and send the body to Sri Lanka for an ‘independent’ autopsy. “As if we couldn’t have solved the case by ourselves given a few years or decades. It is just too bad. We had even photoshopped some very convincing pictures of a UFO over a Male cityscape too! Do you know how much work that was?”

Chief of Police Adam Zahir said he felt vindicated after the Sri Lankan coroner had ruled out foul play and established death by drowning because fine particles of sand had been found inside Solah’s lower respiratory passages. Bakhabaru reporters had asked Adam Zahir why the presence of fine sand particles had led to the conclusion that Solah had drowned and why no mention of whether water or even sea water had been found in the respiratory passages.

“I don’t know much about this ‘autopussies’ but I think it must mean that he had drowned in fine white sand, probably,” said Zahir. “Otherwise they should have found evidence of some kind of water in the respiratory passages, right? However, I think burying a live body in fine white sands is a really good idea and I should incorporate that into my arsenal of painful torture methods, not that we do any torturing here, of course. This is purely a mental exercise.”

When questioned about the contradictions between the two reports, one made by IGMH and the other by the Sri Lankan coroner, Zahir said: “You must be referring to that wound on the head right? It’s pretty obvious isn’t it? It was a long time after the IGMH doctors had examined Solah that the Sri Lankan coroners got their hands on him. So it’s obvious he had healed during that time. There’s absolutely no conspiracy. Healing is a natural process of the body. It’s purely biological.”

The Maldives Government has expelled a collective sigh of relief after the autopsy report had been made public.

“I don’t mind telling you that we were worried for a second there,” said Foreign Minister Dr. Shaheed. “Even the Police officers who had interrogated him with the shock batons and the Iron Maiden weren’t sure if he had died because of something they had done. They swear he had been the picture of perfect health as he had stumbled and crawled, bleeding and groaning, out into the night from the Police station. I hope this puts to rest any speculation that there is any sort of torture going on at the Police stations. Now the Police officers can finally go back to their real jobs of pulling down stupid posters that the MDP keeps pasting on the walls all over Male. It’s a dirty job, you know, but somebody’s gotta do it.”

* Now awaiting approval by the Guinness Book of World Records’ Judges Board for acceptance in the category of “Shortest Autopsy Report”