Local prisoners to get access to foreign expertise

by Ahmed Satellite

President Anni has announced that he is following through on the brilliant idea he had after falling off a tree in Muleeaage and landing on his head. In his most recent radio address, President Anni happily announced his plans to welcome hardened criminals to Maldives.

“Since we have such a great record of keeping dangerous criminals off the streets and behind bars, locked away where they can never be a threat to the society and general public, I have decided to bring in some foreign expertise in that area to stir things up a bit,” said President Anni, apparently very pleased with himself and his brilliant idea which was still making his temples throb. “Currently there’s too much room in our prisons and so much space is being wasted so this is just the first phase of my plan to introduce Prison Tourism in Maldives. Think about it: soon vicious criminals from around the world will be able to call Aneh Dhivehiraajje their very own paradise.”

He went on to detail the unbelievable track-record of Maldivian jails and detention centres and how there was so much space in those centres because most of those who were supposed to be incarcerated there had escaped or been ‘misplaced’.

“The few prisoners we currently have are bored of the jails and are the ones who aren’t clever enough to escape,” President Anni told the Maldivian public during his radio address. “Just imagine what the seasoned and veteran convicts who have been in the best jails can teach our lame-o prisoners. I dare say that once we get a few hundred of these professional prisoners to teach our amateurs some lessons, why, there might not even be any need for prisons. They will be empty!”

President Anni, who was recently selected to play the part of the green haired, blue-skinned Captain Planet in a big budget movie being produced by the UN, assured the Maldivian public that he had of course consulted the Ministry of Islamic Affairs before deciding to bring the Gitmo veterans to Maldives.

“The Islamic Ministry told me that as long as the prisoners are Muslims, there will be no problem,” he said. “They have endorsed this move 100 percent. If fact, they believe that the current extremist brainwashing that’s going on in the jails will greatly benefit from foreign expertise.”

Responding to some almost negligible criticism from the opposition, President Anni said the issue of bringing two Muslims held at Guantanamo Bay Detention Centre was not conducted secretly because doing this openly would provide a huge boost for Prison Tourism in Maldives. Since Maldives was not promoting tourism anymore, this was the best way to get some exposure, he said.

“Welcoming innocent Muslims who have never even harmed a fly in their lives, but are now for some reason imprisoned at Gitmo, will show the world that we are a people who care about others even though we are apparently drooling idiots,” he said. “And look at the even brighter side: once we get this Prison Tourism thing going, we can actually make the Maldives into a nation of prison islands. We’ll be a global prison. The whole world will be begging to send us their prisoners and we’ll get the funds to buy another country where we Maldivians can go before the whole bloody mess sinks under the water. As you can see, I only have the best interest of the Maldivian people in my heart.”