Study finds street violence now responsible for more deaths than former President

By Ahmed Satellite

A study conducted by local experts have found that the number of deaths caused by street violence in Maldives in the last 12 months is now higher than the average number of Maldivians who died per year as a direct result of the former President’s tyrannical dictatorship. The study also offers a slight delay to give readers some time to digest the above information.

The in-depth study was conducted independently by Bakhabaru reporters who were independent, and the results were revealed to the media at a press conference held somewhere in Malé. In attendance were several expatriate workers who were enticed over by promise of free food and female companionship, and some young children who were looking for some place to sit down after a weary day of campaigning for some of the local wanna-be parliamentarians. Also in attendance were several creepy looking men and women who licked their lips a lot while staring unblinkingly at the children.

Mohamed Headset, one of the independent Bakhabaru reporters who was part of the independent team that conducted the independent study, was pushed and kicked out on to the stage by his colleagues to disclose the findings to the media. After adjusting his tie for 10 minutes and drinking several glasses of water, even gargling at one point, Mohamed Headset finally managed to find his speech notes inside his right shoe. As a result, those in attendance were luckily spared his very lame jokes about tuna, to which he resorted to every time he lost his speech notes.

“When you really think about it, the most shocking fact that’s apparent from this study is that such an underdog like street violence has been able to beat President,” Headset said to his audience who were in various stages of eating, ogling and snoring. “I guess that just goes on to show that if Anni can do it, just about anybody or anything can.”

Headset also explained some of the symptoms of street violence were similar in many aspects to the effects of those who suffered under the former President.

“For example, symptoms of street violence include mad dashes through the street; displacement of blood from victim’s body to the street, walls, and pavement; pain in the head, left arm, right arm, torso, back, legs, spine; and sudden and unexplainable power loss of security cameras in the immediate vicinity,” Headset said. “Victims who suffer from the onset of the President’s wrath also go through several of these symptoms, either during the incubation period or after full-blown infection. Most importantly, both diseases don’t seem to discriminate that much between gender, age and race.”

Although neither street violence nor the former President were available for comment, an email from a ‘former President’ to Bakhabaru called the independent report ‘outright lies’ and threatened to sue whoever read, listened to or smelled the report for everything they had and several things they didn’t. The email concluded by saying that the Maldivian public wouldn’t fall for such petty tricks by the state media as everyone knew that the media was just a political tool of the current Government.

“When I get back to power and finally bring media freedom back to the country once again, everyone will know that a silly upstart like street violence couldn’t possibly beat my carefully nurtured record that took 30 long years to build,” the email said.

Local scientists make hairy discovery

by Ismail Network

World-famous scientists from Maldives have made a startling discovery that has startled the world-famous scientists from Maldives.

After several decades of research, hard work, the occasional haircut, bathroom break and some amount of pain, the scientists found that the amount of religious knowledge and wisdom gained by a person was directly proportional to the thickness, bushiness, coarseness, colour, texture and length of the person’s beard. One of the leading scientists on the project, His Extremely Honourable Awesomeness Sheikh Dr Kullum Thukki Wallavilla bin Bam Rasheed, attempted to explain their findings during an interview with Bakhabaru.

“Let’s take Lord of the Rings for example,” Sheikh Dr Kullum said, for lack of a better example presumably. “Notice all the wise men, erm… wizards, have long, luxurious beards while the simpletons, such as the hobbits, have none. That’s evidence right there.”

He went on to explain that the human brain was not designed to store spiritual knowledge, and being heavier than the every day garden-variety sort of knowledge -- such as common sense, general knowledge and nonsense -- spiritual wisdom tended to sink lower.

“The beard is the perfect receptacle for such heavy thoughts and ideas,” said Sheikh Dr Kullum. “Being located right under the chin, religious wisdom that is too tempestuous and powerful for the human brain to safely contain, seeps down into the beard, taking over the follicles and using it as external storage. As a result those who gain a higher understanding of religion tend to sports the wickedest, awesomest beards ever. Just look at DJ Majeed!”

Bakhabaru reporters are trained from birth to pay absolute interest in the person being interviewed and can recall from memory even the longest of speeches -- albeit in condensed form that bears no resemblance to what was originally said. So when Sheikh Dr Kullum launched into detailed explanations regarding the properties of beard hair and why it was such a perfect container for religious data, the sound of snores nearly drowned out the lecture altogether.

“Religious wisdom is extremely hot -- much hotter than the boiling point of iron -- so being stored in a beard keeps it constantly exposed to gentle air currents, providing unparalleled heat dissipation,” the Sheikh Doctor said. “If religious wisdom was stored in brains, the results wouldn’t be pretty.”

Bakhabaru reporters, being Bakhabaru reporters after all, dutifully asked the question which were on everyone’s mind: why did religious wisdom have an affinity for beards and not, say, for an organ a little lower down, a bit south of the border, maybe like between the waist and knees to be exact.

“After all, that… er… organ, seems to meet the criteria covered by beards too,” Mohamed Headset told Dr Kullum. “It can grow in size if required, or stimulated, sometimes to surprising len… er dimensions even, given the proper er… stimulus, ahem… and it’s just hanging out, kinda, sorta, having that… wossname? heat-dissipating properties thingy, when given a breather and allowed to hang out, right? Right? So why not?”

“It might appear that way to the layman, or to simpletons such as yourself,” Sheikh Dr Kullum attempted to explain to Headset. “but how much use would all that hard-earned religious wisdom be if every time you got excited you spurted whole globs of hot, steaming, religious wisdom all over your hands or the bathroom ceiling or down your girlfriend’s throat? This singular trait excludes the said organ from even being considered for holy storage.”

After the interview, the Doctor handed out several copies of Playboy and Hustler which “supposedly” contained articles written by Dr Kullum which included charts, statistics, and findings of his thorough research. In an effort to show his dedication to his chosen profession and craft (although no one has been able to determine what they are yet), Mohamed Headset has locked himself in the Bakhabaru HQ bathroom and is even now most certainly going through the centrefolds, covers and other suspected pages with a magnifying glass. He has sworn upon someone’s dead aunt not to witness the light of day until he finds the elusive article and has read it repeatedly until exhausted.