Study finds street violence now responsible for more deaths than former President

By Ahmed Satellite

A study conducted by local experts have found that the number of deaths caused by street violence in Maldives in the last 12 months is now higher than the average number of Maldivians who died per year as a direct result of the former President’s tyrannical dictatorship. The study also offers a slight delay to give readers some time to digest the above information.

The in-depth study was conducted independently by Bakhabaru reporters who were independent, and the results were revealed to the media at a press conference held somewhere in Malé. In attendance were several expatriate workers who were enticed over by promise of free food and female companionship, and some young children who were looking for some place to sit down after a weary day of campaigning for some of the local wanna-be parliamentarians. Also in attendance were several creepy looking men and women who licked their lips a lot while staring unblinkingly at the children.

Mohamed Headset, one of the independent Bakhabaru reporters who was part of the independent team that conducted the independent study, was pushed and kicked out on to the stage by his colleagues to disclose the findings to the media. After adjusting his tie for 10 minutes and drinking several glasses of water, even gargling at one point, Mohamed Headset finally managed to find his speech notes inside his right shoe. As a result, those in attendance were luckily spared his very lame jokes about tuna, to which he resorted to every time he lost his speech notes.

“When you really think about it, the most shocking fact that’s apparent from this study is that such an underdog like street violence has been able to beat President,” Headset said to his audience who were in various stages of eating, ogling and snoring. “I guess that just goes on to show that if Anni can do it, just about anybody or anything can.”

Headset also explained some of the symptoms of street violence were similar in many aspects to the effects of those who suffered under the former President.

“For example, symptoms of street violence include mad dashes through the street; displacement of blood from victim’s body to the street, walls, and pavement; pain in the head, left arm, right arm, torso, back, legs, spine; and sudden and unexplainable power loss of security cameras in the immediate vicinity,” Headset said. “Victims who suffer from the onset of the President’s wrath also go through several of these symptoms, either during the incubation period or after full-blown infection. Most importantly, both diseases don’t seem to discriminate that much between gender, age and race.”

Although neither street violence nor the former President were available for comment, an email from a ‘former President’ to Bakhabaru called the independent report ‘outright lies’ and threatened to sue whoever read, listened to or smelled the report for everything they had and several things they didn’t. The email concluded by saying that the Maldivian public wouldn’t fall for such petty tricks by the state media as everyone knew that the media was just a political tool of the current Government.

“When I get back to power and finally bring media freedom back to the country once again, everyone will know that a silly upstart like street violence couldn’t possibly beat my carefully nurtured record that took 30 long years to build,” the email said.