Winners & Sinners

Alright people, settle down now. We’re here to announce the Bakhabaru Winners & Sinners list.

What in the name of blessed Sappe is a “Bakhabaru Winners & Sinners” list, you say?

Well, to be absolutely clear, we’re not sure either. Let’s just get on with it, shall we. Maybe we’ll figure it out by the end. Alright then: by the left, quick march.

First of all the Winners:

After much nitpicking and nit-throwing (whatever the flippin’ heck a nit is) we managed to chop down the measly ten entries in the Funny Caption Contest to an even measlier three. And here are the three entries which made most sense to us.

In third place:
Cameraman: I really shouldn't have tried to hide the gun inside this frikkin camera. Goddammit!!!!! Shoot you bastard camera, shoot! He's about to move away... SHOOT!!!
--- by Anonymous”

In second place:
Maumoon: ok, camera set? good. you try to stab me and you "save" me. guards? you act dumb... ok, so be yourselves. ACTION!!
--- by Iya

And in the FIRST PLACE!!!
I don't have a megaphone! It's simply not true!
--- by Golhaa Force

We have also decided to give a special compensation award to Shadowrunner for never giving up. Enjoy the special compensation award, Shadowrunner. We appreciate and admire your persistence. Next time, buddy.

Congratulations, Golhaa Force! You now have a chance to win hundreds of ridiculously expensive prices. Please don’t be overwhelmed.

And now we move on to the sinners:

Here we have a list of people who have dared to question us about… ah… things.

Hence, they are sinners who have sinned, by Gayoom!

To be very clear, we don’t like being questioned. Period.

It is slightly embarrassing to admit but we’re very much like the Haabees in that regard. We hated answering questions in school and we hate it even more now that we are not in school. In fact one of the requisites of being a Bakhabaru reporter is to absolutely hate being questioned. We like asking questions though (you can imagine how entertaining our recruitment interviews will be) since someone told us that asking questions is what makes a good reporter great. And noooo, it’s not because we don’t know the answers, but anyway… moving on.

Question No: 1 (Questions have been edited for hilarity, er… clarity)
Why do you guys hate Anni so much? You can try to ridicule him all you want but the fact remains that he is the only candidate who the public adores and trusts. He will undoubtedly be our first democratically elected President.

Answer:
WTF?! Hate Anni? Us?!? This is libel and slander… well, one of those anyway. To make the record absolutely clear: we here at Bakhabaru absolutely love Anni. He’s prime Bakhabaru material by just being himself. We would never ridicule him. He does a really bang-up of ridiculing himself all by his lonesome himself.

Incidentally, did you hear that Anni has been secretly taking voice training lessons so that people will stop mistaking his speeches for that scene in Yoosay’s “Dhiri Ulhumakee Miee” where Yoosay is singing, or trying to anyway, “Chalkaaa Ey Jaaaam!” in his broken voice? In fact Bakhabaru nano-reporters working undercover in Anni’s brain… ok, empty head then, has revealed to us that Anni is actually thinking of appointing his voice training coach as his running mate.

Also, in the silly and delusional ‘another Maldives’ speech that Anni gave at the launch of his election campaign, he didn’t mention some of the other great (and likewise impossible) things he planned to accomplish when (not 'if', mind you) he became President. According to Bakhabaru nano-reporters, Anni didn’t think that Maldivians were ready for such revelations yet.

Among the many fantastical things that Anni had planned for Maldives but didn’t mention were winning the World Cup three times in a row in a two-year period, building bridges linking Male’ to Sri Lanka to India to America to Russia to Australia and back to his house, turning every Maldivian into a millionaire overnight, learn how to speak without sounding like a cross between a pig and Pavarotti, and to wear a more attractive tie one day.

So we ask you: how can we hate someone like that?

Question No: 2
Where’s Aishath Antenna?

Answer:
Who? We have no idea what you are talking about. We do have a cross-dressing Editor named Ali Antenna though.

Question No: 3
Where is question No: 3?

Answer:
'In deed', where is it? Only Sappe knows!