Umar Naseer offers simple strategy to stop gang violence in Male’

Hard at campaigning but still willing to offer his two cents worth to anyone within earshot, self proclaimed tough guy and prospective future President of Maldives Umar Naseer offered a strategy by which the gang violence in Male’ could be brought to an immediate and screeching halt.

In an exclusive interview with Bakhabaru reporters, who are always more than eager to listen to any words of wisdom that might accidentally spill forth from his lips, Umar Naseer said that the solution to the gang violence problem was simple.

“The solution to your problem is simple,” Umar Naseer said, pouting and smacking his lips together loudly. “The only way to get what you want… is to become a human yo… - whoops, sorry. Wrong dialogue there. Ahem! I mean the only way to stop the violence is to terminate all who are involved in the fights. No more fighters, no more gangs, no more silly little gang-fights: simple really.”

He said that after a lot of thinking he had found the easiest solution to any problem was to eliminate the root of the problem.

“The easiest solution is always the best,” he said. “Take for example the problem of 'drug'. 'Drug' is obviously a huge problem in Male’, but there is a simple solution. President Gayoom is too old to handle such a tough job. It’s a job for a tough guy like me. If he was tough enough he would have already implemented my solution to the problem of 'drug'. We simply kill off all the drug dealers, drug addicts, anyone who looks like a drug addict and some who seem likely to take up drugs in the future. It’s an easy and elegant solution. Of course we will ban Dunlop and burn down any furniture or fixture that Dunlop has been used on. Dunlop is actually more dangerous than 'drug' itself because no one suspects it.”

Umar also said that the gang fights in Male’ were actually not as big a problem as the media made it out to be. Given enough time, he said, it would automatically resolve itself.

“See, one gang member will kill another member and in revenge another member will kill off another member and it keeps on going like that,” he said working out the numbers on a calculator. “If one gang member is killed daily, I estimate that at the current rate we should be rid of a major percentage within a year. In the end, only one gang member will remain and we can kill him; he deserves it. This strategy saves a lot of trouble on our part but the problem is that it will take some time. But better late than never, I always say.”

During the interview, Umar also proposed an idea for a clean start for Maldivians that was still in the development stage.

“I proposed that we buy a nuke and drop it on Maldives,” he said matter-of-factly. “The cool thing about this plan is it will allow Maldivians to start afresh – those who survive anyway. Things are a real clusterf%$k and FUBAR (as we say in the army) here in Maldives due in large part to the laziness of the population. Once we nuke the entire country we can all start afresh; a clean new beginning for everyone. Apparently there are some kinks in the plan still, but we’re sure to have worked it out by the time election begins. I would be damned if I let a despotic, megalomaniacal dictator like Gayoom stay in power for even a day more than necessary. Ironically, it seems that most dictators aren’t even aware they are dictators. Isn’t that silly? I don’t believe it.”