Hungry for the Country: Umar Naseer’s latest attention-grabbing stunt

by Mohamed Headset

Fans of Umar Naseer, self-proclaimed ‘tough cop’ and attention-whoring leader of the Islamic Democratic Party (IDP), rejoiced once again as the attention deprived President of IDP unveiled his new plan to draw more attention to himself a few days ago.

In Umar’s latest bid to get the Maldivian public to pay more attention to him, the charismatic leader, who is both loved and loathed simultaneously, often by the same person, has decided to go for four days… that’s 4 whole days, without food or any other kind of sustenance except for liquids.

“I got this idea from David Blaine,” said Umar Naseer, speaking to Bakhabaru reporters from the Artificial Beach where he had just woken up refreshed and ready to do nothing except have people come and gawk at him. “Blaine also did this kind of thing when he felt that people weren’t paying enough attention to him. Like that time he buried himself in a block of ice or locked himself in a glass box. It works, you see.”

Umar had initially distributed flyers about the proposed hunger-strike all over Male in the hopes drawing in huge crowds but later admitted that he was a little concerned that the overwhelming support the public would undoubtedly have expressed in the strike would have meant that he would have to share the limelight with too many people. As it turned out he need not have worried, as at the moment of writing there are only five people, including Umar, who had participated in the hunger strike.

“It’s good that there are only half of those that started the strike now,” said Umar undaunted. “It just shows that the public knows that I really need the attention and that they are showing their support by not coming here and spoiling it for me. It’s all good.”

Giving more details on the strike Umar said that he was not feeling at all hungry. “It could be a miracle that I am not hungry but I like to think that it’s really because I’m such a tough guy. The Maldivian public needs a tough guy like me. The women just go crazy for stuff like this. This will send out the message that I am that tough a guy. Anyway, I estimate that once I remove these I.V.’s I’ve been attached to for these last few days I will get hungry pretty soon. But the strike would have ended by then, so no worries.”

When asked whether he believed that IDP’s hunger strike would bring an end to inflation Umar became very confused. “Inflation? What inflation?” he said, looking guiltily around at his fellow strikers for support. “There’s been some indigestion, yes, and last night nocturnal emissions from my fellow strikers kept me awake half the night until I plugged my ears and nose. It was a group effort though and luckily this was a wide open space. Otherwise the air would have become really thick here last night.”

Another striker commented that the worst part of the strike was when he had had to go to the bathroom during the middle of the night. “You just try to take a leak here at the Artificial Beach at night without splashing pee on the couples that litter the area. Man, this naked angry couple nearly did a Bobbitt on me!”

According to Haveeru News the strikers had last eaten at DineMore restaurant at the Artificial Beach. The IDP strikers aren’t the first to have sworn off good food after having what passes for a meal at the restaurant but Umar said that he hoped that a little focus on the ‘Submarine Sandwich’ available at DineMore would indirectly influence his flagging Whale Submarine sales so he had had no other choice. He later had to eat a dozen Mars chocolate bars to get rid of the aftertaste.

Umar’s previous stunts at drawing attention to himself include trying to swim between Male and Villingilli to draw attention away from some foreigner named Pugh who had tried to swim across the Maldives, and the offering of huge sums of money for the capture and arrests of prostitutes who were allegedly making more money in a single day than what his Whale Submarine business could in a month. He had also tried to make himself appear more of a tyrannical dictator than the incumbent one by releasing his presidential manifesto that had reportedly brought tears of joy to Adam Zahir’s eyes.

“That wimp Maumoon is nothing compared to what I could become,” said Umar, clenching his fists and flashing bright white teeth for the benefit of the cameras. “Anni is even a bigger sissy. I’m going to clean the floor with those losers when election comes, just you wait.”

Umar and his fellow strikers are scheduled to end their hunger strike and stuff themselves silly at some restaurant other than Dine More at 6:00pm Saturday. God have mercy on anyone who gets in their way.