President Gayoom wins big at 14th SAARC Awards

Aishath Antenna, reporting from New Delhi

President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom has entered into the annals of history books as the only South Asian person to have won the coveted “Best President Award” consecutively for an unprecedented seventh time at the 14^th SAARC Awards held at New Delhi. The SAARC Awards show is held more or less every year or so to give South Asian leaders a chance to self-congratulate themselves, look good on TV and to give gamblers from the SAARC countries a chance do decide on odds of how long the current leader will last.

President Gayoom has been consistently winning the “Best President Award” ever since the SAARC Awards first introduced the category, much to the fury of the competing leaders. The “Best President Award” was introduced 8 years ago by President Gayoom himself and unlike the other awards given at the ceremony, does not depend on votes. President Gayoom had proposed at the very onset that whichever leader makes it to the Awards the following year be automatically qualified; survival being the necessary qualification.

"I am the only SAARC leader present here who has attended all the 14 awards ceremonies," Gayoom said to ringing applause from SAARC leaders and an audience of diplomats, politicians and officials at the opening session of the two-day 14th SAARC Awards show that began in Delhi, India on Tuesday. The show is aired all over the world and is the second most watched TV show, behind only “American Idol”, according to Neilsen Ratings. “It’s practically unheard of in the world for a leader to win this award for so many times, note that down people. It has been my dream for a long time to win this award for so many times consecutively. I hope to win many, many times more in the coming years also. Has anyone called the Guinness Book of World Records yet? I’m getting impatient!”

In celebration of the event, President Gayoom’s government is also holding a special workshop titled "How to Rule a Country for Thirty Decades and Beyond" specially aimed towards the fledgling members at the SAARC Awards show. Most of the other leaders believe the workshop was specifically aimed at new member, Afghanistan. At this unsurprisingly fully sold out workshop, the regions leaders, diplomats and politicians are given a taste of the power and charisma of being President Gayoom and even a trial 30 second demo of what it feels like to be holding the reins of power over 300,000 people for over 30 years. Needless to say the workshop was jam-packed.

After accepting the award, the President smoothly launched into his acceptance speech which he had been polishing since the last SAARC Awards night.

"It wasn't easy, and I must thank the peoples of the region who has contributed to making this a possibility,” President Gayoom, said, overcome with emotion. “I thank the LTTE for blowing up Sri Lankan leaders before they complete their terms, the fickle Indian voters who change their Government like dirty underwear every fortnight and last but not least the Pakistanis for giving all powers to the military. I would also like to propose my idea for a new category for next year: the Father of the SAARC Awards Award, which I hope to win next year."

President Gayoom also directed a scathing remark towards the leader of Bhutan who had on several SAARC Award ceremonies, stole the limelight away from President Gayoom with his ‘up-skirt’ tactics. Probably the only time where a group photo of international leaders had been posted on porn sites under ‘upskirt’ category.

“I would love it if you could keep your knees together long enough for the split second that it takes for a photo to be taken,” the witty President said, evoking laughter and guffaws from everyone at the show, except for the notable exception of few in mid-thigh clothing.

When Bakhabaru reporters asked whether the Maldivian people had contributed to his long-term in office which enabled him to become the only leader to attend all SAARC Summits, the President scoffed at the idea.

"Maldivian people have no say in this. I’ll be the first to admit that they can be of a little help during election times, not too much, mind you, a little. On several occasions on some islands I have not been required to directly intervene to make sure that the locals stick to my plan. But since the results are already decided, even before the people vote, it isn’t such a big problem really. But when they stick to my plan, it makes things easier for me in the long run. And for them as well, if you know what I mean. Heh heh… Isn’t that true, Mundhu?”

"Yes, O Long-lasting Leader!"

The current Minister of Foreign Affairs and First Brownnose, Dr. Ahmed Shaheed, who was also a speaker at the Workshop, almost couldn’t contain his glee when asked for a comment, brushing and shoving everyone aside to get at the mic and furiously brushing his hair back as he stammered and stuttered into the mic. However, with the limited time allotted for the interview Bakhabaru reporters couldn't stick around long enough to de-stutter-fy and decode his comment. Hopefully slow-motion replays of the video interview will shed some light on what he had said.

When opposition leaders heard about President Gayoom’s huge win at the awards they retaliated in typical jealous fashion and resorted to name calling and innuendo. Not only that, they even insulted the President.

“I’ve been wearing this same pair of socks for over 10 years now,” retorted Mohamed Nasheed, Chairperson of the Maldives Democratic Party, hopping on one foot and pulling loose a soiled brown sock. “I don’t see anyone rushing to award me for that achievement! Y’think it’s easy? I suppose I should introduce a “Smelliest Sock” award and give it to me myself; that’s what Gayoom did. The narcissist!”

It is unsure if Nasheed was serious about his declaration but just in case several merchants have ordered several containers full of industrial strength nose plugs. Forensic analysis at Police laboratories has revealed that the real colour of Anni’s sock had been white. Police did not reveal what the real colour of Anni's other sock was but reckless Bakhabaru reporters equipped with hazardous environment containment suits are attempting to find out as this report is being uploaded.