MNDF to make random arrests for security reasons

By Mohamed Headset

The Maldives National Defence Farce (YEMYENDEEYEFF) issued a statement today, stating that they were launching a special operation to arrest random people off the streets and at homes to be tested to see how accurately they could recall what the YEMYENDEYEFF building looks like.

“As you know it is highly illegal to take pictures of our top secret military headquarters near Sagarey Paak,” a Sargeont or Corporeal who was nearly keeling over under the weight of the medals on his chest and arms told Bakhabaru reporters. “It even says so right there on the wall and all our own cameras are pointed away from the building in case we accidently capture pictures or footage or our secret HQ. Some people seem to think the “No Cameras” sign on the wall means that they can’t use really old cameras to take pictures of the freaking wall but they would be wrong. We’ll eventually get around to changing the sign. This time we will include stylised designs of digital cameras and mobile phone cameras too. That should clear up any misconception.”

Leftinent Kernel Ahmed Ali said that the new program was launched after it was discovered that the dastardly Al Qaeda was secretly recruiting people with photographic memories to take mental pictures of the YEMYENDEEYEFF HQ and transfer the images to terror cells across the region. For what sinister purposes, they had not been able to verify yet, Ali said. The Leftinent Kernal also said that security check points all over Male’ would stop anyone who looked suspicious or too memorable, and subject them to a battery of memory recall tests to see if they were secretly hiding any images of the exterior of their HQ in their brains.

“Right now the tests are a bit crude, I admit, but once Maldives goes under the Indian security network, the Indians have promised to provide us with specialized portable X-Ray machines that will immediately target and acquire any images of our HQ that are hidden inside any brain,” Brigadaboombabyier Mohamed Allovame told Bakhabaru reporters. He went on to say that they were now in the process of acquiring the “memory wiping thingies” that were made popular in the Men In Black movies and that once they got a hold of “those handy little doodads” they would erase all stored images of their HQ from all brains.

“Our HQ will essentially disappear from memory and no one will know where to find it or where it is,” Leftinent Kernel Ahmed Ali. “In fact, I used a prototype of that on myself yesterday; which is why I am here in the public toilet giving this interview instead of at HQ which may or may not exist.”

A few weeks backs, Brigadaboombabyier Mohamed Allovame gave the Bakhabaru team an exclusive tour of YEMYENDEEYEFF’s exhaustive online database containing detailed profiles on all known and unknown criminals in Maldives. The online database, tentatively titled Facebook for now, contains detailed physical, psychological, and emotional profiles of almost anyone who is anyone in Maldives. The online database is available for everyone and can be accessed by directing your internet browser to http://www.facebook.com, Allovame said.

“The online database is constantly evolving and using some of the features we have been able to stop crimes before they even happen,” the Brigadaboombabyier said. “The future is now, boys and girls, and you better be ready for it. For example, we were monitoring the status updates of a suspect when we saw this message: ‘Nr target nw. ABt 2 brk lok on shp door. LOL!’. We immediately posted a reply saying: ‘whr r u dood? ROFL!’ Once we had the location it was child’s play to pick up the perp before he had managed to finish sending off his latest update which was: ‘suxess!! i’m rich bynd mah wildest dreems! LMAO!’”

The suspect had later updated his status message one last time with: “nw in handcuffs & guarded bi inept DPRS offishals. LOL!”

The IT team at YEMYENDEEYEFF had also developed a sneaky Facebook app called “Have you seen the YEMYENDEEYEFF building, the YEMYENDEEYEFF building, the YEMYENDEEYEFF building?” to weed out any suspicious people. The app is now ready to be circulated to users to identify any potential leaks, the Brigadaboombabyier said.

A Bakhabaru photographer was dispatched to take a picture of the YEMYENDEEYEFF HQ to include in this article. He was last seen surrounded by several YEMYENDEEYEFF officers who were checking the contents of his drawers. Right there on Sagarey Paak.