Police place surveillance around Umar "The Solution" Naseer

by Mohamed Headset

The Maldives Police Service has placed round the clock surveillance on the solution to Maldives' problems and the President of the Islamic Democratic Party, Umar Naseer.

Police began the unenviable task on Wednesday after some really stupid people began to send death threats to Umar 'The Solution' Naseer. According to a Police Officer assigned to the "suicide squad" around The Solution, the idiotic would-be assailant had actually revealed his whole laughable plan about how he would use a simple box-cutter to attempt and maybe, just maybe, break through The Solution's invulnerable skin to cause an injury more severe than a broken well-manicured nail.

"As if mere mortal weapons could possibly harm The Solution," scoffed the Officer. "I feel sorry for the box-cutter; it would never cut again. We are here to make sure that there are enough pieces left of the assailant or assailants to identify them post-mortem if they are indeed brain-dead enough to attempt an attack. I bet their autopsy, if possible, would reveal they had really big mouths and brains of a lemming."

Another officer said that he was really hoping that someone would actually have a death-wish and attack the IDP President.

"I've always wanted to see the legendary man in action," the officer gushed. "I'd really like to see his signature spine-busting back-breaker move. It's a classic, I hear."

However most residents of Male' don't seem too overly concerned about the situation.

"If there are still are people clueless enough to issue threats at The Solution then they deserve what's coming," one local man said, while waiting in line to see a doctor at ADK. "I mean come on, Umar Naseer never has to wait in queues. The queue begins from wherever he is standing."

Another man shared a rumour he had heard about The Solution.

"I heard that when Umar "The Solution" Naseer does pushups, it's actually the Earth that is being pushed down," the man called Ashraf Ali, who wished to remain anonymous, told Bakhabaru reporters. "It's something to do with relativity, apparently."

Umar Naseer, who doesn't wear a watch because the time is whatever he says it is, was unavailable for comment at any time but if he were to comment he would have growled: "Box-cutters don't hurt people... I do!"