Maldivians upset over shortage of Nizams in upcoming referendum

by Ali Antenna and Ahmed Satellite, reporting because they can’t get any…

The upcoming referendum to decide what kind of government the country is going to have is just around the corner and quite typically, locals are already expressing their disgust at the shortage of Nizams available for them to vote for. The referendum will decide whether the Maldives will have a Barulamaanee Nizam or a Riyaasee Nizam -- and the two choices just aren’t enough seems to be the general consensus among the public.

“It’s disgusting,” said a member of the Maldives Disco Party (not to be confused with Maldives Dictator’s Party or Maldives Democratic Party or even Multiple Personality Disorder). “But enough talk about the food at these party meetings. The fact that there are only two choices available for us to vote shows the lack of proper democracy in Maldives. I for one am not going to vote so that I can complain about whatever form of government is implemented at the referendum. That’s the Maldivian way, after all.”

According to a poll that the Bakhabaru team planned to take among 300,000 Maldivians but never got around to actually doing, an overwhelming 73.874% of the Maldivian public was in support of a Dictatoree Nizam, 18.587% supported a Narudhamaa Nizam, a tie of 11.435% percent for both Barulamaanee Nizam and Riyasee Nizam, and 5.409% voted for Thoddoo Nizam and Jungiyaa Nazim. The results clearly indicate that no one in the Bakhabaru team had passed in arithmetic.

With the release of the figures to the public today, Party members are already trying to put a spin on the results so that it would favour their own party. Most pundits, analysts, strategists and roanu edhuru’s agree that the biggest obstacle for a good clean voting match was the lack of an understanding among Maldivians of the Nizams on offer and what it would mean for the country.

Bakhabaru reporters were lucky enough to get a few words from aging President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom during a rare bout of lucidity about the tactics he intended to employ to win the referendum.

“The lack of understanding is an opportunity,” the aging President, who is believed to be approaching his 229^th birthday with possible gusts of 240 or 250 during rough weather, said. “And we will exploit it, although it’s already a foregone conclusion that the public will decide on a Riyaasee Nizam. For one thing it sounds much cooler than Barulamaanee which sounds like the name of a dead whale rotting on one our beautiful exploitable beaches. The polls show that most people want a Dictatoree Nizam so we will make it known that Dictatoree and Riyaasee are like two pods in a pea. I mean… two sods in the sea. Wait, poo pots in the tea... tea pots? Ahem… anyway, you get the idea.”

MDP Chairman Anni, who had nearly caused a scandal recently when he attached wheels to his chair, began stalking alleged criminals in the dead of the night and calling himself Wheelchairman, said that the MDP was trying their best to teach him about Barulamaanee Nizam but that since they hadn’t been formally introduced still, he might have a hard time recognizing the guy even if he met him.

“Our aim is to associate our Nizam with everything… right?” he asked, looking around at the assembled members of his party imploringly. “Yes, that right. So we are telling everyone that if they vote for our dear friend Barulamaanee, they are actually voting for a democracy that will allow them to vote for whatever they want; even Dictatoree Nizam and… and… even Thoddoo! This plan can’t fail. Old Golhaabo can start counting his days now. This can’t fail. My god Sappe has told me so.”

Voting fervor has gripped the country and some major politicians have vowed to name their next borns, including any bastards, Barulamaanee or Riyaasee Nizam. Only a short time to go before the envelopes are opened and the result of the fixed voting is announced. Until then everyone, expect those who will be counting the votes, can only make guesses.