A Date with Politics

stolen from Evening Weekly, the only weekly English magazine in Maldives

I’ve heard that politics could be a little overwhelming for those who aren’t well versed in the finer complexities of the political game but the recent developments in the political arena (specifically during the start of the month of November) has left me more than a little perplexed.

Like a lot of Maldivians (and strangely, at the same time, unlike a lot of Maldivians) I’ve never been too concerned about the battle for power that has been raging on in the Maldives for, well… as long as anyone can remember. Of course, the fight was brought to public prominence only recently, with the registration of political parties, but it has been going on for a long time, as the public is no doubt aware. Nevertheless, it’s not impossible for politics to earn my attention every now and then, especially if it comes attached with a healthy dose of absurdity. Luckily, there is an abundance of internet websites on Maldivian politics that can provide both in spades. Chief among them are Dhivehi Observer and Fact Maldives. You just can’t beat these two exceptional sites when it comes to providing the latest in absurd news.

Over the years DO has built quite a reputation for bringing you the latest in political ‘news’. The fact that the news they publish bears no resemblance to politics, the truth or even news is another matter entirely. The point is they can be relied on to bring you the latest gossip and rumours disguised as news, as it happens, and in some cases even before it happens, and even if it never happens. I suppose it’s the Maldivian equivalent to the spoof news sites that are so popular in America and the rest of the world.

Most Maldivians always direct their internet browsers to DO first for their dose of unfounded hysteria and ludicrous hyperbole whenever anything ‘political’ happens; that is to say, whenever a violent mob gathers anywhere in Maldives. Fact Maldives follows closely behind and delivers to readers the flip side of the news available on DO; meaning the direct opposite of what’s on DO. It’s actually a sort of a weird mirror image of DO in every sense of the word. It’s the same news, but in reverse or the direct opposite. If DO claimed there were a thousand people gathered somewhere calling for the resignation of someone or other, then Fact Maldives would immediately publish a ‘counterattack’ scoop that would categorically deny the numbers and claim that in fact there had actually been ten people wandering about aimlessly (probably out for a stroll and a cigarette) and that two of them were Gingerbread men and the rest of the group consisted of the seven dwarves, and so in reality there was only a one-man mob there. The reader, if perceptive enough, would find the truth somewhere between the two extremes.

Since the beginning of this November, I’ve come across some very baffling claims being published by DO, even by DO standards, and that is quite an achievement. The first of which was Political Analyst/ Freedom Fighter/ Journalist/ Political Refugee/ Dhivehi Observer Editor/ Human Rights Activist and god-knows-what-else, Sappey’s claim that November 3rd was actually November 4th. Now, I am no mathematician or expert on calendars but I thought it was kind of silly going around proclaiming that the 3rd of November was actually the 4th. If the 3rd was actually the 4th then whatever happened to the 3rd? Where did it run off to? Was it hiding with Sappe in London? Or does the 3rd come after the 4th? To make it worse, two days later DO claims that this year November 10th had started on November 6th! Colour me shocked.

If what DO published was true then we would have ended up with a very peculiar looking page for the month of November on our calendars. It would have two November 4th days and five November 10th days. Very strange indeed. I can’t help but wonder whatever happened to the dates between 5th and 11th of November? Have all those dates on DO’s calendar become victims of alien abduction? Alien abduction victims have been known to experience ‘missing days’, but this is ridiculous. Definitely, gives new meaning to the phrase, “This has been a very long day.”

Then on the evening of the penultimate November 10th before the real and final November 10th could dawn, DO proclaimed in huge letters that November 10th had been cancelled! Now this is a bit too much. I don’t mind a few missing days off the calendar and even some extremely long days but to cancel a day altogether? That’s just mean. It could even be harassment. No doubt the calendar’s rights are being abused. Isn’t there a Calendar Police somewhere who should make sure this sort of thing didn’t happen? Later, an apparently omnipresent Sappey had summed up the sentiments on the streets of Male that day from his comfy seat all the way in London as “Politics is more a mind game than power and brute force.” Oh, very Zen. With the bald pate he actually did manage to pull it off. And I have to agree with him. His astonishingly silly proclamations have truly boggled my mind!

If only someone in the international community would get the joke and not take him so seriously. Here’s hoping Sappe will keep providing the Maldivian public their daily requirement of humorous spoof news for a long, long time.