President Gayoom’s campaign to become taller reaches new heights

by Ali Antenna

Incumbent President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom’s lifelong dream of becoming taller was given a powerful nation-sized jolt recently with the announcement of a campaign to help him reach ‘new heights’.

Speaking exclusively to Bakhabaru reporters, who considered themselves to be pretty exclusive too, President Gayoom said that despite having lived for several centuries on Earth, his lifelong ambition to become taller had still not been fulfilled.

“The lengths I have gone to gain a few more inches… erm – vertically I mean – you don’t want to know,” he said, sitting on the edge of his Presidential Desk and swinging his Presidential Legs while the Bakhabaru reporters sat cross-legged on the floor. “Botox injections, floating in the Dead Sea, bungee jumping, cosmetic leg lengthening surgery, heel surgery, leg stretching, reading instruction books on getting taller, buying a multi-million dollar yacht, hypnosis, bathing in the blood of infants, shooting prisoners, building a huge presidential mansion, high heels, supplements, chin-ups, eating small cupcakes with the label “Eat Me” on it; you name it, I’ve done it and nothing has worked.”

He said that the new campaign was his last-ditch effort to achieve his goal at least symbolically and in spirit if not physically.

“My running mate and inferior clone, Mini-moon, and I brainstormed for a whole year before coming up with this plan,” President Gayoom said. “The idea is to fool people into thinking I am huge! I’ve been fooling them for decades so I’m pretty experienced in that area by now. It’s all very psychological. I’m NOT compensating for something, really I’m not. No, I’m not in denial either. That’s a river in Egypt and we’re here in Maldives. What do you mean what about the huge Presidential Palace, the private island retreat and frikkingly expensive yacht? What are you trying to imply? Shall I call the Chief Torturer? Huh? Huh? Anyhoo… my trusty No. 2 and clone, Mini-moon, will give you the details on how the campaign will let me reach new heights. ”

Mini-moon, who is sometimes referred to as Thasmeen by state media to avoid confusion with President Gayoom himself, unveiled several charts and diagrams that detailed the… er, details of the campaign.

“The plan is to show the Maldivian public how tall President Gayoom really isn’t,” Mini-moon told the bedazzled Bakhabaru reporters. “As you can see in real life our beloved leader is so short his legs barely reach the floor. But the only reason you know how short he is, is because there are many things around him that you can use as reference objects. Remove the incriminating objects from the picture and there’s no way you can tell his real height. And that is the secret to this plan.”

Mini-moon continued to explain that the campaign was going ahead at a spectacular pace and that their slogan “to achieve new heights” also helped emphasize the point and drive it home.

“So far the campaign is a resounding success,” Mini-moon said. “Gigantic frikkin’ posters of President Gayoom are being plastered on the sides of the tallest buildings all around Male’. The other day I thought Male’ was under attack from Godzilla or that monster from Cloverfield. Seriously, he’s that huge! He really is reaching heights all around the island that he has never been able to before.”

Despite the self-congratulating and back slapping going on at Maumoon’s camp, it is still unclear how the general public is taking it. Impromptu interviews with people on the streets showed mixed reactions.

“Last night I was taking a shower and got the shock of my life when I looked out of the toilet window to see President Maumoon peeping in,” a woman on the street told Bakhabaru reporters. “I never figured him for a Peeping Tom, that's the sort of thing I would expect from Gasim, but when you have such a sexy body as I have I guess even Presidents can’t help themselves. Still, it was only later when I got out of the toilet that I saw it was one of the huge posters that was responsible.”

Another man who was interviewed was really impressed with President Gayoom’s new height.

“I was looking for babes on Facebook in my apartment when I saw the President going past my window,” he said. “I could tell that he was really tall since I was in an apartment on the fourth storey.”

Not surprisingly, several jealous people have also begun conducting similar campaigns designed to outdo and beat the beloved President at his own game, in effect turning the whole thing into some sort of crazy competition.

An independent poll has now been scheduled to be held on 8 October to finally decide once and for all who is the tallest of them all.