President Chotey reveals suspects in “missing marbles” case

by Ahmed Satellite

Shortly after announcing to a shocked Maldivian public that he had lost his marbles, President Chotey unrolled a short list allegedly containing the names of those who he suspected had stolen it. President Chotey made the startling announcements on his private TV channel yesterday.

“I haven’t lost it, as the media are so fond of insinuating,” President Chotey said. “They have merely been stolen. There is a slight but distinct difference.”

The short list, strangely enough, was twice as tall as President Chotey himself and he had to hop on to the Presidential Table and stand on it to show the list in its entirety to the TV audience. He hopped down again promptly after discovering he was only wearing his Presidential Boxer Shorts and stumbled back on again a few seconds later pulling on his Presidential Trousers.

“Many have suspected it in the past and I have finally confirmed it,” President Chotey said in his slow, monotonous and hypnotic voice. “I, of course, double-checked to confirm it and now I know for sure that I didn’t in fact lose my marbles; they were stolen. There is no doubt about that. And since I am in ‘Campaign Mode’ now, I will reveal the list of suspects who could have committed this dastardly act.”

Responding to questions from Bakhabaru reporters, the President calmly explained that ‘Campaign Mode’ was not a person and that he hadn’t suddenly changed his sexual preferences.

“Contrary to popular belief, ‘Mode’ is not short for ‘Mohamed’ ok,” he said, rolling his eyes. He took a moment to smack the side of his head to get the eyeballs back into their original position.

“My marbles were… are… precioussss to me,” he said, with a gleam in his eyes so familar to those who have watched The Lord of the Rings movies. “I am not as as young as I used to be two years ago so it is difficult to get down on the floor and look for them, but I did so anyhow just to confirm they were stolen.”

While droning and rambling on during his TV announcement, President Chotey also revealed the real reason which had led to the death of a famous personality recently.

“It was the protest by the opposition parties near my Presidential Gate that did it, you see,” he said. “The Presidential Gate is no place for protests. He was watching the events on TV and his heart just couldn’t take it. It was too much. Poor, Ishmeeth Singh. He was my No. 1 fan, he used to tell me. All those who gathered near my Presidential Gate are directly responsible for his death.”