Saint Fareed to Host the Ultimate Show Before Departing to Hell

by Mohamed Headset

 

St. Fareed, one of the most well-known Gatekeepers of Hell, is preparing to give a final “Ultimate” show to the people of the Maldives before departing back to Hell to resume his duties at the Fiery Gates.

He said that since this would be his “Ultimate Final” show, it would be the most epic!

“Like nothing the world has ever seen or will again,” he promised.

Speaking to Bakhabaru reporters last night, the reviled scholar of all things damned and about-t0-be-damned expressed his satisfaction with his brief but eventful stay on Earth these last several years.

“I have managed to accomplish many of the targets I set out to accomplish when I fled from Hell a couple of years back,” St. Fareed told Bakhabaru reporters while twirling the twin ends of his famous bifurcated beard between the thumb and index finger of each hand. “I have become very famous in the Maldives, performing live to packed stadiums, rooms, bedrooms and corridors on many, many occasions. Valentine’s Day has been renamed to St Fareed’s Day in the Maldives. I host seminars on advanced sex techniques where I get to do live demonstrations with female audience members. All in all, I can honestly say that my smug mug is more famous than Jesus himself in this no-camel country. And thanks to my celebrity status as someone you don’t wanna f*** with, I have been able to fulfill my lifelong dream of having sex with more than just my hand. There are other reasons too… a lot of them in fact, but I can’t really recall any off the top of my head right now.”

When asked why this will be his final performance before departing to complete his several centuries long tenure as one of the Gatekeepers of Hell, St Fareed said that even though he was cleverer than most Hell-spawn, he couldn’t evade the minions of Hell forever.

“It’s a constant struggle trying to evade them,” he said. “It’s pretty exhausting. I’ve tried dark sunglasses, joke disguises, new beard-styles including several kinds of fancy braids with colourful bows, hiding in a black ninja buruga, everything… but they always find me in the end. So I finally made a deal with them. Hell has offered me a pretty sweet deal if I come back and resume my duties and this is not the kind of offer I want to turn down. My harem of beautiful women in Male’ is pretty awesome… but they can’t compare to the slutty women I can get in Hell, you know. They can do things to a man that you couldn’t even imagine… ooooh… gives me goosebumps just thinking about it. brrrrr! Oh yeah, that’s the stuff! Soooo… anyhoo,  it’s time to say goodbye to my followers and take this party back to Hell.”

St Fareed - although pretty well-known in some circles that believe that the length of a man’s trousers and bad fashion sense was the key to Heaven - didn’t burst into public limelight until wanted posters from Hell began appearing all over Male’ some years back. It was later revealed that the wanted posters had been a failed attempt by the minions of Hell who had tried to capture St Fareed through the clever use of advertising. The posters had proclaimed in bold letters: “Who is Hell calling for? Saint Fareed!” The minions had expected the decent people of Male’ would immediately seek St. Fareed out, apprehend him and turn him over. However, Hell had underestimated St. Fareed’s cleverness, for he promptly turned the posters to his advantage and proceeded to host a show where he regaled rapt audiences with tales of his swashbuckling adventures in Hell . Everyone loves a good adventure-horror-love story and the show was packed. Overnight, St Fareed became a sensation! Several successful jam-packed shows cemented his status as one of the best horror-story tellers around.

“They say to talk about what you know, and as a Gatekeeper of Hell for several centuries, I know Hell pretty much as well as anybody possibly can,” St Fareed said. “That is the secret of my success. Every now and then you’d get one of those silly skeptics or idiotic atheists coming up to me after one of my stellar shows and asking me how the Hell, no pun intended, I know so much about Hell. Have I been to Hell? Flaming idiots! Of course I have! This is also the big difference between me and my archrival Saint Ilyas.”

The rivalry between St Fareed and St Ilyas has been well documented for a while. While the former has reached near cult figure status among his followers due to the unimaginably violent scenes he portrays in his fantastical stories, the latter has amassed a similar following through the subtle manipulation of their more carnal desires and feeding cleverly disguised but still explicit pornography to the masses. Both had tried to get their names associated with Valentine’s Day which has never ever and will never ever be celebrated in the Maldives. Ever.

While St. Fareed had won that contest and been officially declared the patron saint of all Maldivian lovers, St Ilyas had not taken his defeat in that particular contest lying down. Taking the time to hone his storytelling technique to a fine point, St Ilyas went on a whirlwind tour to promote his vision of what Heaven was like, and in short while became the Maldivian equivalent to what the bastard love-child of Hugh Heffner and Larry Flynt would have been, if that was even possible of course.

“While I actually know what I am talking about when I tell my loyal followers about the majesty and wonders of Hell, that Fake Ilyas has no idea what he’s talking about,” St Fareed said through gritted teeth, spittle flying out in all directions and some dripping from the ends of his twin beards like water-drops from a melting icicle. “Talking about the virgins of Heaven and going into detail about every smooth sinuous curve and every soft bump of their bodies… you’d think he’d actually seen or maybe even touched one of them doe-eyed eternal virgins he speaks so fondly of. But I know it isn’t so. Why, I bet he hasn’t even been in a foursome yet! The hypocrite! I’ve already booked his ticket to Hell. Oh I’m going to enjoy kicking him in through the gates of Hell. Hyuk hyuk! Oh by the way, where is that slutty whore of a reporter who interviewed me the last time around… Aishath Antenna, was it? Where is she? I’ve been looking for her for a while now. Would have made a good addition to my har… HEY! Where are you going? Come back here! Where is she??? She wants me too! I know it! GET BACK HERE NOW, YOU HELL-FODDER!!!”

Bakhabaru has been notified that St Fareed’s final warning, titled “Farewell The Russ” (so far we have been unable to find out who or what “The Russ” is), will be held tomorrow night at some place in Male’. Those interested in having the living excrement scared out of them by horror stories too horrifying to relate here, are encouraged to attend. While entry to the show is free, use of toilets is subject to a small charge.