The Skinny Disease

And now for something entirely different from our spanking new roving reporter, Ahmed Widescreen!

So you are at an intersection waiting for the light to go green. The day is hot and ever so bright. You only want to curse that bastard who came up with the silly idea of waiting turns to cross an intersection under the bloody hot sun. Then your mind wanders, whether you should find a better spot with shade under a tree perhaps, or set your bike gear to one so you can speed off faster than the Paatey who always seems to be running late for a Bike Racers Association meeting or something.

 
Then you notice the Paatey.

Paateys, they have always been a notorious bunch. Calling themselves vicious names like that ‘country with that war’. Or associating themselves with animalistic logos that strike fear in to our non-gangster hearts and makes us shit in to our non-threatening underwear.

 

Boo!

This particular Paatey was one of the “infected”. By a fashion trend so devastating that people who are subjected to this god-awful plague rarely recover. (Unless you willingly burn your entire wardrobe, friends, and family and let Mr Old Spice buy you new clothes and give yourself a petroleum jelly enema.)

SKINNY JEANS! Of a color I can only describe as baby shit yellow. The notorious Paatey was wearing baby shit yellow skinny jeans. Then you see the person on the passenger seat of his Airblade. (A type of scooter; associated with Paateys for unknown reasons) It is another Paatey with skinny jeans, this time I can only describe the color as “FALOODHA”.

 
It’s pink but more delicious in a totally gay perspective.

For the readers who are unaware of what a skinny jeans is. They are very very tight pants made for women. Yet some people insist that it is unisex. How do we know that it is made for women and not for men? Easy. There is physically no room for the man’s junk in those pants.

 

NO VACANCY!!!!

Unless you have equipment of microscopic scale, you would need surgery to remove your manhood before you can masquerade in one of these jeans. For the few who are able wear them you either have to wear it below bum line exposing your boxers or get a job voicing for one of the chipmunks. Sadly this is not a style by choice; it’s a disease.

It’s a disease affecting the youth of 2010. Targeting the semi-confused-borderline-Hipster Paateys.  The disease first started off in a stealthy black, like a ninja. Then after creating its presence in the minds of the Paateys who wants to secretly look fabulous, they started to evolve into even more terrifying forms, COLORS!!!

Egad! They are everywhere!!!

At that moment I felt sorry for the infected Paateys. They had no idea about the disease which was slowly killing their originality and uniqueness. We don’t know when this unisex, metro mumbo-jumbo decided to invade the men’s world. It might have started with the confused Paateys deciding to wear Eyeliner (Guyliner or Gayliner if you want to be accurate) in the confused hopes of looking like Jack Sparrow or the Village Whore. Or maybe it started when another confused Paatey decided to highlight his hair in bright pink in the hopes of being more attractive to the opposite/same sex. We would never know. But now that we know we have a problem we can tackle it head on. Recent studies showed that 3 out of 4 skinny jeans are worn by men.

Guess which one is the girl?

There have been frequent extreme cases, few irreversible infections and the rare miraculously cured Paateys from this disease. This small country faced with such a massive worldwide problem should ask ourselves: “Is the government doing anything about this?”
“Yes” Stated the Chief of Commissioner of Fashion Police of the Maldives, Mr. Ey Faseeh, in a press briefing about these extreme cases of skinny jeans. “We are currently raiding the homes of the extreme skinny jeansed men, confiscating their entire wardrobe. We are also offering them a rehabilitation program and a new wardrobe with regular awesome men’s clothing.” Mr. Ey Faseeh did not comment any further as he was too busy sporting awesome men’s fashion apparels.

If you have a friend or a family member who is a Paatey and might be in danger of being infected by the skinny jeans disease, please do the merciful thing and kill them.

 

Hurry!! Before we are all doomed!!!