Islamic Affairs Ministry to take cutting expenses one step further

By Ali/Aishath Antenna

Following the announcement that the Islamic Affairs Ministry was closing down all the designated women’s mosques in the country in order to cut expenses, the Ministry has said that it is now deliberating on whether to take it one step further and close down all the men’s mosques in the country as well in order to cut down costs even further.

“The truth is that all these mosques which have popped up all over the country is a pain in the posterior and darn expensive to maintain, especially those tiny so-called ‘women’s mosques’,” Minister and Veteran of numerous Affairs (Islamic and otherwise), DJ Majeed telepathically told Bakhabaru reporters, apparently abusing his direct psychic link to God. “Why are they so expensive, you say? Well, um… well because I bloody well said so, that’s why!”

In an earlier exclusive interview with Bakhabaru, DJ Majeed said that some learned scholars at the Ministry had initially suggested closing down all the fancy and extremely large low-cost, low-maintenance mosques in the country in order to cut expenses and then convert the tiny high-cost, high-maintenance “women’s mosques” into regular mosques where only men could pray. If the issue of congestion was raised then worshippers could just fill up the courtyard, roads and nearby houses, as is usually the case during Friday prayers, the scholars had suggested. The suggestion had however been shot down with several anti-logic missiles.

“Besides, there is also the problem of men dressing up in the all-covering burqas to disguise themselves as women and going to these so-called “women’s mosques” to ogle the women worshippers when they bend over,” DJ Majeed said. “Several cases have been reported and I myself have gone undercover, so to speak, and experienced it firsthand. I can tell you quite truthfully that the view from the back of the mosque of all those women in shapeless burqas bending over is highly arousing. You have to understand that it is less… er, harder for us if women were to pray at home… preferably in a small dark room located underground, and inside a lead-lined metal box with no windows or exits.” Then he added, “And soundproofed.”

However, the Ministry’s plan isn’t just to cut costs. With Ramadan mere months away, the Ministry plans to announce that they would start selling praying space at the Islamic Centre for the women who wished to perform tharaavees prayers there.

“It’s a brilliant plan,” someone who appeared to be dressed to face a sudden and violent sandstorm in the Sahara desert said. “Many women attend the tharaavees prayer during Ramadan so we can actually make a good profit from this.”

Not surprisingly, the news was not met with happy faces, especially among those faithful who had never ever smiled in their lives and had made it their life’s objective to ensure that no one else ever had a reason to smile either.

Ibn Khattab, a blogger who is world famous in Malé for being the absolute authority on everything to do with the Islamic religion, an admitted atheist in numerous religions and a closeted religious nutcase, said that he felt there was no need for segregation beyond what is prescribed by him.

“Nowhere did I say that I am an admitted atheist and closeted religious nutcase,” Ibn said, when asked about it. “It is forbidden in Islam to call me any names. Where did I say that I was the absolute authority on everything to do with the Islamic religion? Please provide links and proof. And evidence. Where did I say that ‘nowhere did I say that I am an admitted…’ ummm, sorry. Where was I? Anyway, you are very vague. The whole statement is vague, baseless rhetoric. Where is your source? This is an entire fabrication and you have not explained it citing sources, giving links and evidence from the internet. Please show me the proof of what you are saying. I always supply solid and really vague ancient texts that are open to numerous interpretations to back up anything I say.”

Other than denouncing god and Googling himself, Ibn Khattab also likes to take long walks along the beach at night and is his own No.1 fan. His hobbies include blogging, looking for evidence of independent thought inside his own brain, and marrying.

“Where did I say that I like long walks along the beach at nig… oooh!” said Ibn Khattab as he was distracted by a shiny new anonymous comment.

Last Saturday night, many manly and bearded men who could be mistaken for bikers except for the fact that they didn’t wear leather jackets, gathered near a local mosque to complain about women being allowed to pray at the mosque and being the cause of many men requiring a change of underwear during prayers. They questioned the motives behind the Ministry’s decision to induct more hell-bound women into the biggest mosque in the country during the holy month of Ramadan, when libido was at the highest and means to appease it limited.

“This is unacceptable!” said one. “The closing of women’s mosques was the best news since DJ Majeed cancelled New Year parties, and now they are allowing women into the mosque? This is totally unacceptable.”

“Yay!” said another, before being subdued.

Importers of the material used in the making of partitions that separate women’s wing in the mosques were also against the Ministry’s decision.

“We make our livelihood by selling this cloth, which I believe is the main reason for shutting down the women’s wing,” one shopkeeper claimed. “At Mrf9 per metre, it’s the only expense that they have to pay every other year. So you can imagine how high the costs will run to setup a women’s wing in every Government funded mosque in the country.”

Others were angry about the partitions for entirely different reasons, calling it a “veritable strip-tease”.

“It’s like is she there? Is she pretty? It’s so hard to concentrate on your prayers when the sound of a slight whisper of her namaadhu dholhi brushing against some exciting part of her body distracts you,” a regular worshipper at the Islamic Centre said. “The only thing between you and the women is that partition! The temptation to just break the partition down is just overwhelming!”

An extremist Muslim woman, as far as Ibn Khattab’s interpretation of the religion was concerned, told Bakhabaru reporters that she felt that it was not at all sexist of DJ Majeed to assume that women weren’t aroused by the sight of men bending over during the motions of praying.

“I’ve heard it said that in the olden days men and women were allowed to pray together but that men were in the front rows while the women were consigned to the rows at the back,” the alleged extremist said. “According to my Islam teacher the reason for this was because if men were kept at the back then the sight of all those female posteriors in front of them would drive them wild and unable to continue with their prayers. After all, it is a well-known fact that men have absolutely no self-control. So it isn’t sexist at all. We women would never drool over men’s backsides... those jeans and trousers, spread tight across their tight luscious asses as they bend over… sigh. Nope, not aroused at all… nosiree bob, not even a little. Uh uh! But I have to wonder: if women’s place were really behind men, then wouldn’t the human race have become extinct long ago?”

“Where does it say that in the olden days?” said Ibn Khattab, barging into the article just as it was about to be published. “Please provide your source and evidence. You can’t just fabricate things. You are vague, and your allegations are very vague. Where is the li…. ooooh! Shiny!”