by Ahmed Satellite
In a surprisingly unexpected revelation, the Ministry of Islamic Affairs has admitted that some of their staff were being “influenced” or “swayed” by the un-Islamic literature seized from missionaries and evangelists.
A spokesperson for the currently religiously-confused Ministry, who wished to remain anonymous as his name was also at the moment teetering between Arabic and Christian, said that some of the staff at the Ministry had been reading through the confiscated, highly illegal literature and had either strayed from the true path… or stumbled on to the real true path. The Ministry wasn’t sure which yet as they were currently debating which path led where.
“It started as a silly dare really,” the anonymous spokesperson said sheepishly. “We were like, ‘I dare you to read through this book and remain a Muslim’, or ‘bet you can’t read that leaflet and remain unconverted’, because it’s a well-known fact that if you read information about other religions you will automatically get converted to that religion.”
He said that it wasn’t long before some of the Ministry staff had started saying stuff like “Jesus Christ!” instead of the generally more acceptable exclamations ‘Laailaahaillahllah!’ or ‘Subhanallah!’.
“It was then we realized how much the books were affecting us, but we couldn’t stop,” he said. “We were enthralled by the cool characters. That dude who walks on water: AWESOME! Like frikkin’ Superman, you know. Minus the physique though, which was kind of a letdown. A bit too gratuitous violence in the later chapters for my taste but, like Mithun and Dharmendhra, he comes back from the dead at the end, so it was a happy ending.”
When asked about it, the Minister of Islamic Affairs DJ Majeed said that he wasn’t surprised at what was happening.
“What did you expect?” he asked, apparently unfazed. “Words have power and once you’ve read something you can never unread it. Which is why I never read anything. Why do you think we try to protect the feeble-minded Maldivians from this sort of rubbish? Not everyone is blessed with our superior intelligence and wisdom. If given half the chance to make up their own minds about anything, least of all what to believe in or with regard to religion, they are guaranteed to make the wrong choice and end up burning in hell for all eternity or more. For instance, some Maldivians have even started worshipping the Fuel Supply Maldives (FSM) petrol stations. What in seven lower levels of hells is up with that, I ask you.”
DJ Majeed, who is insanely popular among the completely insane, also expressed concern about the discovery of the Christian literature and items that had been translated into Dhivehi, saying that he was expressly concerned about the Christian literature and items that had been translated into Dhivehi.
Earlier last week, the Islamic Affairs Ministry issued a statement saying that all illegal anti-Islamic items – including leaflets, CDs, VCDs, brochures, bibles, crosses, posters, top hats, sex toys, mail-order costumes, nail clippers, sparkly stones, dresses, porn, wimples, and underwear – that had been confiscated by the Maldives Customs Service and Maldives Police Service over the years had been safely locked up in the Ministry’s deepest, darkest vault.
“Clearly they are targeting Maldivians,” DJ Majeed told Bakhabaru reporters while holding up a translated sexy French-maid costume (which was now a kaafaru Dhivehi massaikkathu anhenaage hedhun) against himself and swinging his hips to and fro in front of a full-length mirror in his office. “Because only Maldivians can read Dhivehi, you see,” he added, and then added further: “Not to change the subject, but does this dress make my ass look too big? That was the problem with that dive suit too. Damn Anni and his bleeding PR stunts!”
DJ Majeed said that books weren’t very particular about the words they contained and even clearly false information could be potentially dangerous in the wrong hands.
“All those powerful books being locked up in one place isn’t safe,” he said. “Just imagine the unholy power that has accumulated there over the years. It’s gotta leak out somehow. And the feeble-minded are easily influenced by the power of the words, no matter what it says. Holy pilgrimage to Mecca! Most of the time the locals they don’t even understand what they are reading!”
The Minister further said that since most of the written materials they had confiscated from the would-be missionaries were translated from English to Dhivehi, he wasn’t all that surprised to find something had been lost in translation on more than one occasion. Some of the more prominent mistranslations were about how Jesus had died, he said.
“This isn’t based on facts or anything like that but I dare say that this could explain the sudden increase in apparent suicides these last few years,” he said. “Some of the mistranslated texts implied that Jesus had been very cross about being hanged, or that he had died for your “sons”, while other books made vague suggestions that were even more ridiculous, like that he would one day come back with a Redeemer gun. Seriously, you don’t want to know about the briar patch. Anyway, you know how Christians love wearing crosses around their necks? Well, some of these new converts wore nooses around their necks, misinformed as they were, thinking that Jesus had died of asphyxiation due to ligature. Now imagine one of these new converts climbing a tree for fun one fine day or trying to clean the ceiling fan in their bedroom. An accident waiting to happen, I say. Once, we even found a huge cross with a noose around it in one house. When asked about it, the guy who worshipped it said he wasn’t really sure how the cross fit into the picture. And he kept going on and about how the “second ejaculation” was even more pleasurable and full of rapture than the first one. I’m still not quite sure what that was about but it sounds kinda kinky to me.”
Trying to explain how he came to be in possession of the translated sexy, mail-order French-maid costume, DJ said that there was a misconception that all pornography and adult toys were banned from being imported into Maldives.
“It’s only the un-Islamic items that are banned,” he explained. “Like say for example: dildos. As long as they are circumcised, there’s no problem. If you use a bit of creativity, you can import practically anything into Maldives. I’m not saying it makes sense, since it obviously doesn’t, but that’s how it is.”
Firebrand preacher and resident mad cleric Sheikh Fareed said that it was common knowledge that Maldivians had no real faith in their state-appointed religion despite having a strong belief in it.
“That’s one of the reasons why they are so easily subverted into following false religions,” he explained. “We have to be on constant alert to keep the Maldivian population from being accidently exposed to such dangerous images and literature. The infidels are everywhere and trying to spread their trash so they can take as many of us with them when they are thrown into the burning fires of hell. You must remember the time, several years ago, when TVM accidently showed a few seconds of video of the Pope. May Allah take away two of my 72 virgins if I tell a lie, but hundreds, possibly even thousands, of Maldivians who saw the rickety old man floundering about in the brief video clip converted to Christianity on the spot. That’s how bad the situation is here. Another man found that he had involuntarily converted to Christianity after watching a heavily censored Hollywood movie on TVM in which the lead actor had been wearing a silver cross. The innocent and naïve Maldivians must be protected from these images for their own good.”
When asked why the constant barrage of religious imagery and messages shown on Hindi soaps and movies from satellite channels like StarPlus and Sony had failed to convert Maldivian housewives and young girls into Hindus and Buddhists, DJ Majeed said: “Religious what and what and on the what?! Do you think even I would be crazy enough to try and ban StarPlus? By the wives of the prophet! I may be one hump short of being a one-humped-camel but I’m not daft, you know!”
Maldives is currently a 100 percent Maldivian Muslim country. According to Webster’s Oxford Student Dictionary of Totally Irreverent Definitions, a “Maldivian Muslim” is a type of person who says he believes in the Five Pillars of Islam but only attends the occasional Friday prayer, prays regularly during the beginning of Ramadan only, is forced/beaten by parents into reciting the entire Quran before reaching puberty, is able to read Arabic but not comprehend a word, and infused with an unwavering sense of brotherhood to their brothers and sisters in Palestine and a few other middle-eastern countries while at the same time nursing an almost uncontrollable hatred towards their brothers and sisters in their own country.