President Gayoom bids fond adieu to Presidential swimming pool

by Ali Antenna

At a somber ceremony held at the Presidential Palace early this morning, President of Maldives, His Excellency Maumoon Abdul Gayoom, bid a fond adieu to his beautiful swimming pool inside his Presidential Palace.

The ceremony, to which only Bakhabaru reporters were granted exclusive access, began shortly after the new sun rose in Aneh Dhivehiraajje, after it had set with a very final splash on Maumoon’s Raajje the day before.

It was a very touching moment when the President knelt down near the swimming pool and, after saying a few whispered sweet nothings into the tranquil waters of the pool, bowed down and kissed the swimming pool goodbye. He then continued to bid adieu to many of the items in the Presidential Palace as the Palace slowly began its relentless transformation into a University and the bright rays of the new sun finally drove away the gloom and darkness accumulated over thirty long brutal years.

In the coming days the President is expected to bid fond farewells to his pleasure yacht, private island retreat, and several other invaluable trophies and other items that he had amassed during his reign as the Supreme Being of Maldives.

No interviews were allowed during the ceremony or afterwards so Bakhabaru reporters were not able to ask many of the questions they were just dying to ask, such as if it was OK now to dip their feet into the waters of the swimming pool and if the Presidential Chef was still around.

One of the Bakhabaru reporters, Mohamed Headset, was thrown out from the Palace for attending the ceremony dressed in a speedo, a duck-shaped rubber float around his ample tummy and a yellow-coloured mask & snorkel on his head. The small yellow rubber-ducky in his hand didn’t make things easier for him either.

“That would never have happened in Aneh Dhivehiraajje!” Headset later told another reporter. “You just wait and see!”

MDP Blames Rabid DRP Supporters for Fish Fight at Market Area

by Ahmed Satellite

A violent confrontation between MDP and DRP supporters took place near the Male' fish market area during some time or other and numerous fishes were injured and damaged in the incident. Witnesses and Bakhabaru reporters at the scene agreed that they were surprised that a fight had not broken out there earlier as it was such a perfect place for arguments to escalate into violence and people to go home bathed in free fish-guts.

However, since the fight was politically motivated, it wasn't long before each Party involved in the incident started blaming the other Party.

"It was the rabid DRP fans that started it," an MDP supporter covered in fish blood and under attack from a baby shark which was trying to take a chunk out of his buttocks said. "They had 'The White Hand of Maumoon' painted on their faces and were carrying all sorts of medieval weapons and armor. Here, I took a picture of one of them! They were mad as... well, really mad and crazy people."

It is unclear which Party supporter had thrown the first fish but it soon became a free-for-all death-match as the market area ran red with fish blood and guts, even more so than usual, and several MDP supporters were arrested just on general principles by the Maldives Police Service who didn't want to go back to the Station empty-handed, a Police officer said.

Former Chairman of Maldives Industrial Fisheries Company (MIFCO) and staunch Republican (Jumhooree) Party supporter Lo-J (sometimes lovingly referred to as Lolly Jabir also) said that it was inexcusable that the DRP was using fish as a weapon during these times.

"First they used religion as a weapon, now they are using fish. What next? The kitchen sink or the refrigerator? This is totally inexcusable." Lo-J told Bakhabaru reporters, while downing several flasks of whisky to calm his frayed nerves. "The poooor fishesh!"

Editor-in-Chief of popular spoof news website and former Demi-God, Sappe -- who had lost most of his powers after the Maldivians rejected his chosen prophet during the presidential elections on 8 October -- said that he wasn't surprised Dictator Golhaabo had resorted to such tactics.

"Despite the Maldivians having committed blasphemy by not voting for my chosen candidate (prophet) Gasim Ibrahim -- who even had the support of Adhaalath Party!!! -- I do not blame them," Sappe told Bakhabaru in a direct telepathic link. "For they truly do not know. And Golhaabo has subverted their belief in me. He has twisted the scriptures of my Holy Website, Dhivehi Observer for his own demented uses and now a lot of Maldivians actually think that I am Gasim's disciple and lackey. Others actually think that I have been reincarnated as a black poodle after the election. It's not true at all. I am not Gasim's poodle! If I was a poodle, then I am my own poodle."

Dictator Golhaabo was unavailable for comment but President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom gave a recent interview to Al-Jazeera in which he denied that there were any poor people or political prisoners in Maldives.

"How can you even believe these silly rumours and propaganda," President Gayoom asked the interviewer during the now famous 'Nononononononononono speech'. "If they were so poor would every Maldivian in Maldives be able to afford mobile phones worth over Rf5000? Would they? This is just a simple example. They aren't poor. They just want my Presidential Palace, which I built from their hard-earned money, for their own, nothing else. And as for political prisoners, how can there be political prisoners in the past when we didn't even have politics here. We just had my totalitarian rule. They either obey or they disappear. It was simple. Absolutely nononoonononono political prisoners here. You can trust me on that."

Elections Commissions introduces ‘foolproof’ voter-marking system

By Aishath Antenna

After going into a collective huddle following reports by various parties that the indelible marker used by the Elections Commission officials during the October 8th elections did not work as expected, the Elections Commission has finally emerged to reveal their brilliant solution to the dilemma.

At a special demonstration arranged especially for the benefit of Bakhabaru reporters, Elections Commission Vice President Ahmed Shahid said that they were currently testing the new ‘special ink’ which they had procured from some tar pits in India.

“We have received many reports that the markers that we brought from UK didn’t work quite exactly as we had expected,” Shahid said displaying his thumb which… well, which wasn’t there anymore. “There were some side effects, as you can see. Many people complained that when they tried to rub out the mark on their finger, the ink faded away but it also took the thumb with it! So immediately after the first round of voting, we started searching for an alternative solution.”

Shahid said that the whole point of putting a mark on the person’s finger was to identify those who had voted and to keep them from voting again and again.

“But if the mark faded away, along with the thumb, then it raised more problems than it solved,” he said. “Opposable thumbs are important. What am I going to suck on when I go to sleep at night now? Anyway, we deliberated cutting off the thumb of those who voted and reattaching them later but that seemed like too much of a hassle too. Besides, what if there was a mix-up? I don’t want someone else’s thumb on my hand! And with the voter list we have that sort of mix-up is quite probably. Hence, after much consideration among our fellow peers, this is what we plan to do!”

He proceeded to a pit about four to five feet deep filled with the new ink from India.

“We call this… the Pit of--” began Shahid but was interrupted in mid dramatic pose by Bakhabaru reporter Mohamed Headset, who had only recently recovered after lapsing into a months-long coma while watching Nahula’s latest movie.

“Despair? Eternity? Darkness?” shouted Headset, leaping forward.

“What? No!” said Shahid. “That’s so melodramatic. We call it ‘The Pit of Ink’. So who wants to volunteer as a test subject?”

Bakhabaru reporters are always willing and eager to try out new things and there’s no reporter quite as willing or eager as an excited Headset.

Upon volunteering, he was promptly pushed into the pit. He disappeared into the ink with a small ‘gloop!” sound.

When he finally emerged from the ink pit, looking like something out of ‘The Creature from the Black Lagoon’, Shahid began the exposition: “As you can see, what we are suggesting here is completely foolproof. There is no way that any person can wash off this amount of indelible muck, er… ink within a day. Therefore, from the moment you vote till voting is over, anyone who is not blind, and even some who are, will notice the ink on the person, not to mention the stench, and therefore deduce that the person has already voted. It’s foolproof! Stay away from me, Mr. Headset. I don’t want that gunk on me. It stinks!”

Immediately after the demonstration Elections Commission officials were seen venturing out with shovels and barrels of indelible ink towards proposed polling stations. Earlier in the week, the Elections Commission had announced that they were going to get voters to dunk an entire finger into the indelible ink bottle as a way to mark those who had voted. The latest development, dunking the entire person into the ‘bottle’, seems to be an advancement of that method.

Umar Nasheer to Shtage Pouting Shtrike

By iShath Shweeeetalk

The Ishlaaaamic Democratic Party’sh preshidental candidate Umar Nasheeeer hash announshed that he would shtage a pouting shtrike through da rest of da election rather then endorshe MDP’sh shtupid candidate Anni (aka teeny weeeny man with very bad dresh shenshe, no shtyle and zero charishma).

“I don’t like either of them,” Umar muttersh, grumblesh, retortsh, shnapsh, while standing with his armsh folded across his chesht, nurshing a mega pout. “I totally hate ‘em!”

*gasp*

Umar shaid that he had held an overnight shlumber party (which I bet totally sucked coz it could never be as awesome as the ones I have ;) at my house with my gurlzzz) at his campaign offish before making the decishun topout.

Sheeeeesh! Bo halaaaaaakzz..

“I thought of holding another hunger shtrike or to just hold my breath but pouting sheeeemed like an eashier alternative,” shaid Umar, who had always been nuttier than a couch-jumping Tom Cruise. Tom Cruise is shoooooooooooooooo like not sho cool, by the way with his this shienotlogy thing he has, like going on for yearsh. And that wife of his… ugh! Like shooooo not real. Anyway…. back 2 my report hehehehe.

On the other hand, the oh sho debonere…… debonair (shorry, had to look up spelling) Dr. Hassan Saeed (sigh, gush, mush) hash decided 2 be a good shport and joined that alliance thingy with that man with the ugly yellow tie. Which ish good coz now he can give tipsh 2 like how to dressh nicer in PINK shirts (drooool!!!) and look even more handshomer….

Bleauurrrgh blip blip … peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeet

[Due to technical difficulties and too shweeeeet reporters the sentence above and a few below it have been deleted/bleeped out/killed/cut/and mauled by the Editor. We apologise for anyone who has gotten diabetes.]

And oh oh oh oh… i almosht forgot!!!! new serial drama on TVM!!!!! There are not one, not two BUT THREE pitiful deaf characters. Take that Nahula!!!!!!!

XOXOXXXOOOX
(photo from Google Images)