President Chotey reveals suspects in “missing marbles” case

by Ahmed Satellite

Shortly after announcing to a shocked Maldivian public that he had lost his marbles, President Chotey unrolled a short list allegedly containing the names of those who he suspected had stolen it. President Chotey made the startling announcements on his private TV channel yesterday.

“I haven’t lost it, as the media are so fond of insinuating,” President Chotey said. “They have merely been stolen. There is a slight but distinct difference.”

The short list, strangely enough, was twice as tall as President Chotey himself and he had to hop on to the Presidential Table and stand on it to show the list in its entirety to the TV audience. He hopped down again promptly after discovering he was only wearing his Presidential Boxer Shorts and stumbled back on again a few seconds later pulling on his Presidential Trousers.

“Many have suspected it in the past and I have finally confirmed it,” President Chotey said in his slow, monotonous and hypnotic voice. “I, of course, double-checked to confirm it and now I know for sure that I didn’t in fact lose my marbles; they were stolen. There is no doubt about that. And since I am in ‘Campaign Mode’ now, I will reveal the list of suspects who could have committed this dastardly act.”

Responding to questions from Bakhabaru reporters, the President calmly explained that ‘Campaign Mode’ was not a person and that he hadn’t suddenly changed his sexual preferences.

“Contrary to popular belief, ‘Mode’ is not short for ‘Mohamed’ ok,” he said, rolling his eyes. He took a moment to smack the side of his head to get the eyeballs back into their original position.

“My marbles were… are… precioussss to me,” he said, with a gleam in his eyes so familar to those who have watched The Lord of the Rings movies. “I am not as as young as I used to be two years ago so it is difficult to get down on the floor and look for them, but I did so anyhow just to confirm they were stolen.”

While droning and rambling on during his TV announcement, President Chotey also revealed the real reason which had led to the death of a famous personality recently.

“It was the protest by the opposition parties near my Presidential Gate that did it, you see,” he said. “The Presidential Gate is no place for protests. He was watching the events on TV and his heart just couldn’t take it. It was too much. Poor, Ishmeeth Singh. He was my No. 1 fan, he used to tell me. All those who gathered near my Presidential Gate are directly responsible for his death.”

Dhiraagu: Scraping the bottom of the advertising bucket

Oh my, how the mighty have fallen. I knew the advertising wars between Dhiraagu and Wataniya had become really ridiculous, but now it’s become quite tasteless too. Taking a ‘Superman Returns’ poster and doing a really lame ‘paint-over’ job over it in Photoshop and calling it an advertisement is a new low, even for Dhiraagu. Were they really hoping no one would see through the amateurish Photoshop work?

I’m inclined to think that the er... ahem, 'advertisement' must have been made by a relative of a Dhiraagu bigwig so the marketing team had no say in the matter. Why else would something this grotesque make it to giant posters all over Male’?

Headset & Rushdie still in coma after ‘Mission: Uppe’

Bakhabaru lost two of its “greatest assets” in one fell swoop during Sunday night’s mission to review Nahula’s latest movie ‘Yoosuf’, according to Bakhabaru Editor-in-Chief Ali Antenna.

“This is a shocking and tragic loss for the Bakhabaru team,” Ali Antenna said in an email he wrote to all the staff at Bakhabaru but neglected to send, possibly due to being overcome with grief. “It will cost us quite a bundle to replace them.”

The two Acer brand Core 2 Quad desktop PCs, tricked out with the latest in graphic and sound hardware, enabling them to run the latest games at blazing fast frame-rates, were destroyed in a bizarre accident involving two hamsters, an internal combustion engine, one bent spoon, and a small wheel.

“It is my sad duty to notify everyone that the purchasing of the billiards table in time for Ramazan will be delayed due to this tragic and inconsolable loss,” Ali continued in the email. “In the short time that the two computers were able to serve us before the unfortunate accident took them away from us so prematurely and permanently, they were able to provide us, especially me, with hours of entertainment. I wonder if exploding hamsters are covered by the warranty.”

In slightly related news, two Bakhabaru reporters who were sent to Olympus Theatre on a top secret mission codenamed “Uppe” to write a review of ‘Yoosuf’, have not yet regained consciousness after quietly, and quite happily, slipping into a coma around the two and half hour mark of the movie.

When asked about the two unconscious reporters, Ali said that he was doing everything he could to ensure that their status remained stable, constant and unchanged.

“To be honest for a change, I really don’t see much difference between their current state and their state pre-Yoosuf,” he said. “But I’m inclined to agree with everyone here and say that they are bit more useful in their current state than when they were awake and about. Headset is astonishingly effective as a doorstop and most seem to agree that Rushdie is actually more comfortable than the old creaking sofa in the meeting room.”

Although doctors are unsure when or even if the two reporters would regain consciousness – largely owing to the fact that no doctors have been consulted so far – Ali is confident that the review of Yoosuf will be uploaded as soon as the two unconscious reporters come to their senses, or at least regain consciousness, and are debriefed. The statement was met with some amount of disbelief and skepticism among Bakhabaru staff since it was widely known that neither Headset nor Rushdie wore briefs.

Bakhabaru Reporters to Brave Flood of Tears at Olympus

If there's one thing that can be said about Bakhabaru reporters, it's that they don't know the meaning of the word 'fear'. They don't know the meaning of sesquipedalian or dysania either and are a little fuzzy about a few other four-letter words but ‘fear’ is something they have yet to come across in a dictionary – owing mostly to the fact that they never bother to look into one and because for some strange reason Editor-in-Chief Ali Antenna has blocked access to all dictionary sites on the internet.

So when our beloved leader announced that he had two tickets to the most highly anticipated movie of the year, there were no shortages of hands reaching for the ceiling and choruses of “Me, me, oh pick me!” throughout the Bakhabaru office. The crescendo subsided into immediate, total and instant silence the second our beloved leader announced the name of the movie. Bakhabaru reporters may be fearless (or fuzzy on the meaning of the word) but they are not stupid (except in a few cases… ok, several cases).

Loyal Bakhabaru readers (all two of you) probably know what movie we are referring to. It’s definitely not The Dark Knight, or Wall-E or any other Hollywood blockbuster – they may be anticipated but they are not “highly” anticipated as far as Bakhabaru are concerned. The tickets were, of course, for the latest Dhivehi movie “Yoosuf” directed by popular local director Nahula.

Rampaging and pillaging barbarian hordes have been known to turn tail and retreat at the mention of her movies but as mentioned before, Bakhabaru reporters don’t know the meaning of many words, including several synonyms for fear. So it wasn’t surprising when Mohamed Headset stepped forward without hesitance to accept the tickets.

“I learnt my lesson the last time,” Mohamed Headset told Bakhabaru. “This time I will be equipped with raincoat, wellington boots, several boxes of tissues, sponges, a bucket, and an inflatable raft. I will not be washed out of the theatre in a flood of tears like during the screening of ‘Zuleykha’.”

After much debate and several chases around the office it was decided that accompanying him tonight to Olympus theatre will be former Evening Weekly movie reviewer Ahmed Rushdie, who also apparently never bothered to check dictionaries. Rushdie, who shot to fame after reviewing Seixon’s “Kiss the Jazbaath” and more recently Amjay’s “The Guest House: Room 201”, said he was looking forward to the challenge.

“It’s always a challenge to watch these new movies,” he said. “I try to see how long I can take it without snickering, giggling or finally bursting out into full blown cackling and howling laughter. I’ve never managed to sit through a single Dhivehi movie without succumbing to such fits of mirth, especially a Nahula comedy, but there’s always the challenge.”

Both these brave soldiers of the free-media will be equipped with the latest in communication technology and have undergone briefings on the several escape routes that are available to them if things go wrong during the movie. A Bakhabaru Control Centre has been established to monitor the heart-rate, blood-sugar levels, blood pressure and tear-duct activity of the two reporters during their mission. May random fluctuations in the space-time continuum help them survive the ordeal long enough to write a review for the movie. Amen.