Stranger things have happened...

Imagine our surprise when one of our article was linked to on a blog about, of all things, Aviation News. Under the heading "Strange, but True Airport News" the blog (Aviation Week) quoted us about the article on expatriates impersonating famous billionaires in an attempt to smuggle in religious items into the Maldives. If you think we're surprised, wait till the Customs and Airports hear about it! Click here for the article on Aviation Week blog. Either they really thought it was real or the site is a spoof news site run by Oprah Winfrey herself; we never bothered to find out.

Responding to reader comments...

We've seen some of the more popular online sites responding to reader email in their Editorials and we've been itching to try that for some time now. However we never had the chance since we only get 20 to 30 hits per day (sometimes 20 hits per week! sad, we know). But that all changed when we were once linked on Dhivehi Observer for our article on President Gayoom vowing to bring Dictator Golhaabo to justice (you can check it out on the site; it's there somewhere and we're too lazy to post a link here). Now, with around 250 to 500 hits per day (and increasing everyday) we think it's high time we ran our much dreamed about Reader Comments post. So here goes...

U GUYS ARE AWESOME!! these articles are creative, and so much full of humour! i was lauffing and snorting in my office while i read it (with alotta stares from ma boss :S) anyway, its cool to know that some ppl dont take anything seriusly. Ur articles are quite a read, i love it alot. I saw the Harry Potter 7 Cover with u guys... are u guys fan of it too? its awesome isnt it? Anyway, Keep up the GOOD Work! u guys are excellente!
p.s - psssssst! mind giving me ur name? i promise i wont tell anyone (except those i know)

yours truly
Scube14@hotmail.com


Our names? Sure... as long as you tell only the two people you know. There's Ali Antenna, who is sort of the Editor-in-Chief here at Bakhabaru (or at least he's the one who yells at us constantly to write more articles or be fired without pay, not that we get paid hmpf!) and then there's Aishath Antenna, who may or may not actually be Ali with a split personality disorder -- we can't tell, coz we've never been allowed behind his/her buruga. Then there's Ahmed Satellite, our roving reporter and one of our most recent acquisitions. We never know where he is cause he's always out roving and most staff are of the opinion that his rovings are seldom fruitful or even healthy to other people he meets coz of the huge cigar that sprouts out of the side of his mouth as if he was born with it. God knows where he's from but we suspect he is an intelligent microbe from Mars. Last and definitely the least productive member of the team Mohamed Headset, is a self-confessed compulsive confessor and has been known to get into trouble for confessing to crimes that have usually not even occurred yet. His most recent confession got him into to trouble with the IDP after he confessed to being a prostitute on the mistaken hopes of getting the Rf 5000/- reward they had offered! The trouble began when several members of IDP later contacted him for his services. It wasn't pretty.

i know that you guys posting fake news here but i have to ask, as how you've post Harry Potter covers that are as far as i know genuine so does the story on expatriates impersonating wealthy foriegners really true? Is it based on even on one reall account? I work at the airport so I'm just curous.

wasym1980@hotmail.com


Of course, it's true. We don't make up stories and exaggerate like DO and FM does. What you find her is 100% believable, providing of course you are ready to believe it. And while you are at it, you should drop by and consult our oracle to find out about your future. She charges an arm and a leg but it's worth it, unless of course you really require an arm and a leg to do the things she asks you to do, in which case there could be some problems.


Tell me truly..... are u people realy Maldivians or are you Minivan news journalists that MDP broughted to Male for their online Mininvannews? No offensse for asking, ok.

Huxenhf@hotmail.com


No 'offensse' taken, and we get asked this a lot. But let me assure you that we are indeed Maldivian except for Ahmed Satellite who as we've previously stated we believe to be from Mars. But I guess he doesn't count, at least not very high since the combined number of digits on what passes for his hands amount to seven.


F**** cool site, man! i have a questun. Is Aishath Antennae n Ali Antennae related? i mean, are they brother n sister?

fax2cool@gmail.com

Hmm... er... brother and sister eh? I guess you could say that... We wouldn't want to get on the wrong side of our fearless Editor-in-Chief so we'll not comment too much on that. But to be truly honest for a change, we're not really sure if they are or that they are even two people. We've never seen them together, that's for sure. Sort of like Michael Jackson and that female monkey in Planet of the Apes; they could very well be the same person. We do not question why, we just do and die. So it's possible they are really brother and brother or sister and sister. The odds are the same.

Dear Mr. Ali Antenna,
Could you please send over your staff member known as Mohamed Headset to my house for tonight? I trust you will be able to find the place without any difficulty. I desperately need the services of someone with "her" talents and so far she's the only one we have managed to discover in our ongoing campaign to locate all prostitutes in Male. Payment will be made in advance as soon as you confirm the appointment. Also please notify me advance what sort of services "she" can and cannot render as I might have some tastes that might border on what could be called 'deviant'. How would "she" feel about huge military boots pressed on his backside, for instance?
Best regards,
umar@idp.org

er... darn it... WRONG NUMBER!!! That darn Headset! Stop confessing to everything for a second willya!

Maldives Customs report alarming rise in expatriates impersonating Sir Phillip Green

By Mohamed Headset

Maldives Customs Services have revealed to Bakhabaru that an alarming number of expatriate workers coming into the country had been impersonating British business tycoon Sir Philip Green and other famous billionaires “for some inexplicable reason”. According to Customs they have by now apprehended 7 expatriates since becoming aware of the situation last Wednesday. They also said that all of the expatriates, from various countries including Sri Lanka, India, Bangladesh, Nepal and United Kingdom, to a man had all been also trying to smuggle various items of worship, belonging to religions other than Islam, into the country.

“We first became aware of the situation when two expatriates, one right after the other, claimed to be Sir Phillip Green, the business magnate,” said an official at the Immigration counter at the Male International Airport who wanted to be referred to only as Ahmed Shaad. “The staff there that day didn’t know what Sir Phillip Green looked like so he had just let an Indian who claimed to be Sir Green in disguise pass without checking his baggage and confiscating the golden cross pendant he was wearing. And so when the very next person in line also claimed to be Sir Green he suddenly became very suspicious but let him go too in case the earlier one had been the real fraud.”

Shaad said that over the last week he himself had let several people from various countries into Maldives without checking their baggage or confiscating some of the religious items that they had been wearing or carrying.

“Heck, how was I to know if that guy really wasn’t Bill Gates or David Copperfield?” said Shaad, defensively. “I don’t know what they look like. For all I know they could have been who they said they were and who am I to stop them? I can’t afford to get into that kind of trouble. They don’t pay me enough for that.”

Another staff at the Immigration counter even showed Bakhabaru reporters an autograph they had gotten from someone who appeared to be Michael Jackson.

“It was very exciting,” said a Customs official who asked that he not be named. “I could never have guessed it; his disguise was amazing. But that’s only logical, did you see him disguise himself as the fat man in that Ghost video? He looked exactly like a Sri Lankan, down to the mannerism and accent. He only exposed his secret to me when I wouldn’t let him bring the Holy Bible he had in his luggage. So I immediately got his autograph and let him go. Everyone knows that in Maldives, billionaires and millionaires are exempt from any religious law. Sad thing is his autograph was also in Singhalese so most people don’t believe me when I tell them I had Michael Jackson’s autograph.”

Bakhabaru was able to track down an expatriate worker from Bangladesh who claimed that he had been able to import a Buddha statue into the country on the pretense that it was for birthday bash of Sir Philip Green’s wife, which was to be held at the President’s Palace in Male the next day. To his surprise he had even got a Police escort to Male.

“It was touch and go at one point,” said the Bangladeshi called Yoosuf Islam. “The Buddha was actually for a friend of mine. Every time he had come into Maldives the Customs officials had confiscated his Buddhas and so when we heard that billionaires and millionaires were exempt from the religious law we immediately hatched a plan. And as you can see, it was very successful plan. Another of my friends has also been bringing beautiful exotic girls from Bangkok and other countries for use as personal escorts to these ‘millionaires’. He says it’s a thriving business as most of the wealthier men in the country are lining up for a chance at these ‘dancing girls’.”

Customs has said that they have been making a list of the wealthiest men in the world and showing their staff pictures of the billionaires so that poor expatriate workers coming into the country won’t be able to impersonate them anymore.

“It’s only the wealthy who can make Maldives their personal playground,” said a high ranking Government official and Minister, who preferred to remain anonymous. “It’s unforgivable that cheap, poor expats from these neighboring countries are pretending to be rich and importing whatever they want into the country. At this rate we won’t be even receive a cut from all the drugs that are imported into Maldives either; not if everyone can now import it under the pretence of being rich! It’s disgraceful!”

Another government official also told Bakhabaru on condition of anonymity that they were doing everything humanly possible to put a stop the ‘illegal’ import of drugs. “It just won’t do at all. We are doing everything we can to make sure that these little fishes aren’t able to saturate the market with their cheap drugs. We only import top quality drugs and we make a fortune from every shipment. What will happen to our market if these Customs staffs are so incompetent? A solution has to be found at once. A gathering of the wealthiest businessmen in the country are working on a solution as I speak. We’ve even put a halt on the production of forged Rf 500 notes while we deal with this crisis.”

Most of the staff at the Airport said that the current plan to post posters of the wealthiest people in the world at the Airports will not work since most of the imposters say that they are going incognito anyway and look nothing like they should. There has been no official word from any government authority regarding the issue so far.

MDP’s Play-Acting President’s ‘License to Titillate’ revoked in Maldives

By Mohamed Headset

Play-Acting President of the MeloDrama Party, Ibrahim Hussain Zaki’s ‘License to Titillate’ was revoked Tuesday evening at Hulhule Airport as he was returning to the country after conquering several international melodrama festivals and reducing ecstatic audiences to tears and jelly with his overwhelming performances. Typically, the Play-Acting President, famous equally for his deadpan expressions and over-the-top theatricals, promptly burst into tears and proceeded to go into rotating bouts of theatrics and hysterics when he was informed of the decision by the Customs officials at the Airport, much to the delight of the arriving tourists and the locals at Hulhule.

“Ah, woe is me!” Zaki wailed, leaning dramatically against one of the pillars in the Arrivals terminal with the back of his hand posed theatrically against his forehead. “Alas and alack, why have thou forsaken me?”

Both tourists and terminal staff applauded loudly, inciting Zaki, a born thespian, for an encore which he acceded to by switching personas instantly and proclaiming loudly his signature outburst which he has become famous for: “This act is undoubtedly politically motivated! The government is just jealous that I am the better actor!” His finger punched several holes in the air as he repeatedly jabbed it into the air. Despite the absence of a James Horner score in the background, eyewitnesses swore that they had heard a rousing piece, not unlike the background music of Titanic, during his performance in their minds.

When Bakhabaru reporters called up President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom for a comment, he said: “I guess it’s okay if you go in for that sort of thing. Personally, I prefer a more restrained performance. Zaki's a bit too much of a drama-queen for my liking! Plus, there were no deafening explosions or gore!”

Winner of this year's Best Actor Award at the National Film Festival, Ali Seezan wasn't impressed either and called Zaki's performance 'unwarranted'.

"It's because of people like him that we Maldivian actors are not being taken seriously," said Seezan, who was being taken very seriously by the Maldivian public after directing his latest movie, "Kiss the Jazbaath".

It is unknown at the moment what had prompted the confiscation of Zaki’s ‘License to Titillate’, his only known Achilles’ heel, and Immigration officials would only say that the orders had come from their Headquarters. When asked where the Headquarters were located they promptly replied, with an expression on their faces that Zaki would have envied: “On top of the Bodyquarters!” (...wiseguys!)

So far Aslam Rasheed has not revealed any plans to make a movie based on the incident. But his adoring public are keeping their fingers crossed.

Discovery of huge statue and half-naked girls stun Maldives

Ahmed Satellite , reporting from inside Landaa Giraavaru Resort lagoon, Maldives.

Maldivian archeologists working in association with the National Museum and the National Centre for Linguistic and Historical Research have uncovered a ‘bonanza’ of evidence to support a formerly rejected theory that Maldives isn't a 100% Muslim country anymore, a fact that the Government’s tourism brochures and other literature still stubbornly resist. The announcement came hot behind the news of the discovery of a huge ‘granite’ Buddha in one of the local resorts that seems to have thrown the collective panties of the local population into a twist.

Despite the efforts of both the government and the opposition political parties to put their own spin on the news to promote their own agenda, Bakhabaru reporters were able to infiltrate the heavily guarded archeological site to discover the shocking truth that not only had the archeologists also discovered hundreds of miniature Buddha statues, they had also found what appeared to be the living, breathing reincarnation of Buddha, along with a whole troupe of topless female worshippers singing and dancing around him. Several Bakhabaru reporters, being Maldivian and so apparently ready to convert to any other religion at the drop of a cross or skullcap, promptly converted to Buddhism and had to be forcefully brought back by skeptics Ali Antenna and Ahmed Satellite, who eventually managed to prove with the help of DNA tests that what they had mistaken for a reincarnated Buddha had in fact actually been British billionaire Sir Phillip Green.

“It was an honest mistake,” Ali Antenna said later. “The resemblance was uncanny. Except for the hairy chest and back, of course. But then again one could argue that it’s probably very difficult to depict hairy chests on a stone representation so that wasn’t much to go in the first place.”

It is unclear what Phillip Green had been doing sitting in a lotus position in the middle of the archeological site surrounded by extremely hot, half-naked dancing babes… er… women, but many suspect it was yoga.

At a news conference held at Landaa Giraavaru resort by the archeologists to announce their latest discovery, Abbas Ibrahim, leading archeologist of the project, revealed that the latest find was the biggest discovery of a religious site dedicated to a religion other than Islam that they had found in the Maldives so far. He said that the site was even bigger than the one they had found inside actor/journalist/human rights activist/documentary maker/filmmaker/terrorist, Jennifer Latheef’s bedroom.

“It’s like… big, y’know!” Abbas Ibrahim said. “Freaking huge…-” He held out his hands as far as they would go and then edged a little to the left and then to the right to show that the hugeness exceeded the reach of his hands somewhat.

“Awkwardly stated, but essentially correct,” agreed Yumna Maumoon Abdul Gayoom, who had also accompanied Abbas Ibrahim along on the project on behalf of the NCLHR. “The discovery has caused the proverbial excrement to hit the fan as far as theories on whether Maldives is a 100% Muslim country anymore is concerned.”

“-and when they dance they flop around like… huge bouncy things, y’know!” Abbas continued, undeterred by Yumna's interruption.

“Abbas! We’re talking about the Buddha now,” Yumna sighed. “NOT the dancing girls. Calm down, ok?”

“…-and when they do the twist, Holy Phillip Green!” Abbas continued, still lost in his blissful reveries.

Bakhabaru reporters tried to corner a local at the resort to get a quote but most seemed to be too engrossed in deep and meaningful conversations with the breasts of the topless dancers who were taking a break. On closer inspection many of them turned out to be Bakhabaru reporters who were supposedly going undercover to find out more about the discovery. Once they had managed to get out from under the covers the following day, nearly all of them agreed that a giant granite Buddha was the least of their personal concerns.

Other officials from the National Centre for Linguistic and Historical Research, who requested anonymity but had no qualms about being included in pictures once we got some of the topless dancers to pose with them, said that their research had so far shown that the granite statue and the hundreds of smaller counterparts found scattered throughout the site were very old, despite how well preserved the Buddha’s were and how hot and sexy the dancing girls.

When asked where they had come from the anonymous official explained: “We believe they were of European origin, but we’re not really sure as none of us can remember what their faces looked like, but we’re making the call based on research of certain physical attributes, two prominent ones in fact, that we examined in minute and lengthy detail. I’m sorry… what? Oh, you meant where did the Buddhas came from? Sorry, I thought you were talking about the dancing girls. Anyway, I’m sorry we haven’t had time to research the Buddhas yet but it’s kind of obvious isn’t it?”

Opposition websites have already posted several articles claiming that the Buddhas had been imported into the country in direct violation of the country’s religious laws. Other spoof sites such as the ever popular Dhivehi Observer has even gone so far as to claim that Dictator Golhaabo, considered by many to be a myth and by others as a fact of life, had finally rounded the ‘demented corner’ and started building temples in the country.

President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom, has however tried to calm the angered population of the country by saying that it was just a stage.

“It’s just a stage,” he said on his private TV channel, TVM. “It will pass. Don’t worry!”

“Yes it will, O’ Patient One!” agreed Mundhu from off screen.

Yumna Maumoon on the other hand said that the allegations that the statues had been imported into the country was ridiculous and condemned the opposition for downplaying the religious significance of the archaeological find to further promote their agenda.

“The allegations are just silly,” she said. “It’s plain to see that the statues had been here for a long, long time. The tropical heat of the island and the shade from the coconut trees hundreds of feet away had made the atmosphere contribute to keeping the statues from being harmed by the environment and helped preserve them, which explains why they are in such good and seemingly new condition. Besides, Daddy has said that it is illegal for anyone to import religious articles into the country, so there’s no question that the statues had been here from the beginning. In fact, strong evidence suggests that the Buddha had been here long before the Big Bang.”

When Sheikh Fareed was asked to comment on the discovery, he said that he wouldn’t believe the news until he had touched it and seen it with his own eyes.

“Even a video can be faked,” he said. “I will have to see the hot half-naked women prancing around in their panties with my own eyes and touch their heaving bosoms with my own hands before I believe… -say what…? Buddha? What Buddha? Whadyamean there’s a freakin’ Buddha in Maldives??!!”

“I think, y’know, it’s breast that we keep this discovery under wraps for now,” said Abbas. “If news of this discovery were to breast the… I mean, reach the international community, they might want take them to their own countries. And these national treasures belong to our country and since I am in charge of Historical Research I will be taking the girls home for further in-depth examinations.”

President Gayoom vows to bring Maldivian Dictator to justice

by Ahmed Satellite, Male', Maldives

In a move that is sure to further muddy up the already cloudy waters flooding the political landscape of the Maldives, incumbent President, His Excellency President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom has today vowed to bring the Maldivian Dictator, more commonly known as Golhaabo, to justice “no matter what it takes!”

In an exclusive interview with Bakhabaru, President Gayoom, who has been in office far longer than most Maldivians have been alive, said that he believed that the Maldivian Dictator was the source of all the problems that Maldives was currently experiencing.

“I was shocked, simply shocked, by the atrocities this Golhaabo is said to have committed,” said President Gayoom. “I don’t enjoy – or even condone – violence (except in Michael Bay movies, of course) but what this tyrant has done to the people of my country is unforgivable. Isn’t that right, Mundhu?”

“Yes, O’ Beloved Leader,” agreed Mundhu.

“We must find him with all haste and kill him until he dies from it if we are to hasten the reform process.”

“Truly spoken, O’ Mighty Leader,” agreed Mundhu.

When Bakhabaru reporters inquired where he had found the idea for such a novel concept and if he had any evidence backing the notion that Golhaabo really existed, President Gayoom smiled enigmatically and leaned back in his chair.

“Ah, it wasn’t easy,” he said with a self satisfied smile.

“It truly wasn’t, O’ Great Leader,” Mundhu agreed.

“I first came across the name as I was looking myself up on online search engines; it’s the first thing I do when I sit in front of a computer with internet access. Google had several links to articles on an ultra-secret underground website called Dhivehi Observer. Not many Maldivians probably even knows of the site's existence yet; it's so secret. When I tried to click and go to the sites from the links, a message popped up saying that the site was ‘Forbidden’. That’s when my curiosity was roused. No one would have gone to that many lengths to hide the website unless there was some really powerful knowledge in there. It took me about a month to finally crack the site but I did it, didn’t I Mundhu?”

“Yes, you did, O’ All Knowing Tech-guru,” Mundhu agreed.

“Anyway, I used a little known Windows Explorer trick to hack into the site through what I believe was a backdoor. Appropriately enough, the backdoor was made by some of my supporters as the name of the backdoor site was www.gomaumoongo.com; an obvious reference to what the cheerleaders chanted when I was in my teens a few years ago, and used to play cricket. Cricket is a sport, by the way; you can quote me on that.”

President Gayoom went on to reveal that he had browsed through the site filled with top-secret information about Golhaabo which included many incriminating pictures also. Under the strictest confidence Bakhabaru reporters were given a glimpse of some of the less shocking pictures. When Bakhabaru reporters commented on the remarkable likeness between President Gayoom and the so-called Golhaabo, the President smiled again.

“Ah, you’re very observant to have noticed that. This was of course the first thing I noticed too, isn’t that right, Mundhu?”

“Of course, O’ Observant Chief,” Mundhu promptly agreed.

“We are currently investigating the possibility that he might be my evil-twin. It’s possible that we might have been separated at birth but even if he turns out to be my own blood brother, rest assured that I will not flinch at bringing the smack down on his ass!”

“Eloquently phrased, O’ Mighty Smacker!” Mundhu agreed.

“Besides, he has one striking feature that makes it next to impossible for him to hide from me. From the pictures we have of him, we’ve noticed that one of his hands is always red, like it’s covered in blood, possibly from an unfortunate painting accident during his youth. You can’t hide that kind of features for too long.”

Politicians from all the political parties in the Maldives were shocked beyond words when President Gayoom made the announcement early this morning on his local TV channel, TVM.

“Reliable sources have adviced me, and my own minions have confirmed, that once this Dictator is removed from power the Maldives will automatically be restored to its original orderly passive state and it is this great act that will help me get elected in the next elections, and up until the next millennium. I already feel sad for all those who will try to compete against me, but know that I am a forgiving man-“

“Yes, you are, O’ Generous Forgiver!”

“-and erm… was that forgiving or forgetful? I can never remember… anyway... No longer will we harbour hard feelings, right Mundhu?”

“Right you are, O’ Long and Hard Master!”

When Bakhabaru reporters asked how he planned to find Golhaabo, President Gayoom pulled out a rolled up map of Maldives from his pocket and unfolded it. Seeing the nearest wall was some distance away he glanced at Mundhu who promptly took the map from him and stuck a pin on his own forehead. Then he hung the map on it.

The President pulled out a telescoping pointer and extended it. “From what we have been able to gather so far, we believe that Golhaabo is located in Male.” He poked the map with the pointer and a muffled groan came from behind it. “We tracked him from Addu–” he poked the map to show Addu, and there was a yelp and what sounded like ‘Ow! My frikkin’ eye’! “–all the way to Male… right here!” There was another groan and the map folded noticeably from the centre for a few seconds. Sounds that sounded suspiciously like ‘An ice pack! Someone get me an ice pack!’ emanated from behind the map.

“We’re thinking of asking American President George Bush for assistance in carpet bombing the entire island, like he did in Afghanistan when he was looking for Ossie. I know what you’re thinking, but don’t worry. I would have safely retired to my Aarah retreat long before the bombings begin. Thanks for the concern but there’s nothing to worry about. There might be some civilian casualties, it can’t be avoided, but that’s a small price to pay. Of course, if that fails we can go for Plan B and just nuke the whole island.”

Members of the public and state dignitaries are lining up to congratulate the President on his brave new quest. Bakhabaru reporters took to the streets to get a feel of how the public was taking the news.

“It’s great to have a leader like Gayoom leading us into the next millennium and even beyond,” said a man shouting in ecstasy on the streets. “I know even my great, great, great, great grand children will vote for him if he continues to give the people of Maldives so many reasons to be proud of their country. He is a totally selfless person. All he thinks about is the country. I mean, not many leaders would buy multi-million dollar yachts and build enormous palaces, just for the sake of his countrymen.”

“Gayoom is a shining example to us all,” said another man. “My family and I haven’t had anything to eat in three days but I get a warm feeling when I see him jetting off to exotic locations to dine at expensive restaurants and ride in air-conditioned limousines. I might go hungry but at least he is able to enjoy the benefits of all our work. He’s just an amazing person. The sacrifices he makes for all of us.”

Although most of the Maldives is in celebration following the announcement, some of the opposition members aren’t too happy.

“It’s another Golhaabo trick!” cried MDP Chairperson Mohamed Nasheed (Anni). “He can fool everybody some of the time, but not everyone can be fools all the time. I am a fool most of the time but not everybody is a time most of the… some of the fool… all the time… erm… anyway, something very close to that.”

In related news, local movie producer Aslam Rasheed has announced that he will be making a new movie based on the events.

Tedry finally loses at Maldives Film Festival

Ali Antenna, reporting from outside Olympus Sauna, Male, Maldives

Self-proclaimed visionary and one of the humblest (also self-proclaimed) men currently working in the local film industry, Tedry (Mohamed Niyaz) has lost more than 5 kilos by the end of the controversial Dhivehi Film Awards held last Saturday night in the sweltering heat of Olympus theatre. Bakhabaru reporters were able to get a few words from Tedry as he was making his way out of Olympus theatre, pushing the wheelbarrow filled with the lion’s share of gold-plated trophies.

“It was the happiest night of my life,” Tedry gushed to Ali Antenna, and Ali later swore that he had actually seen Tedry smiling, an event rarer even than the proverbial blue moon. “I have been trying to lose a few kilos for years but Hussain Shihab finally managed to accomplish it. He's a great man.”

Bakhabaru reporters had been allowed backstage access during the show but were thrown out after accidentally mixing up some of the winner’s names on the secret envelopes. Many people believe this was the reason that anyone other than Tedry had been called up on stage to collect a trophy, a fact that Hussain Shihab was very furious about.

“I had planned it for so long and it almost failed because of a few pesky reporters,” Shihab was overheard saying to an Aafathis reporters. “Me and Tedry made the bet that I could make him lose 5 pounds in one day around a decade ago. Since then I have been thinking very hard about how I could bring it about. Obviously the easy way would be to duct-tape his mouth shut but that seemed a wee bit too cruel. And exercise was, of course, out of the question. The challenge for me was to make him WANT to exercise. Finally, two months ago, I had a brainstorm. The Film Festival was the answer. I don’t know why I didn’t think of this before.”

Tedry himself admitted that he was shocked after discovering the whole Awards festival had been a sham and had in fact been orchestrated by Shihab to win the bet he had made over 10 years ago.

“I was shocked,” Tedry said. “I mean, I had totally forgotten about the bet, but like any good movie, everything fell into place at the end. The reason I was placed at the very back of the theatre. The need to huff and puff down the aisle to get the awards and then huff and puff back. Why no one else seemed to be winning any awards. Why it was so hellishly hot in there, like a sauna; which was what Shihab in fact intended for it to be. It all clicked when Shihab took me backstage and put me on the weighing machine. He is a genius, no question, although not quite on the same level as me. I am surprised that I didn’t see this coming with my visionary vision. I think Aslam Rasheed has announced that he was planning to produce a movie based on the events.”

Some of the other actors have expressed dissatisfaction that they hadn’t lost any weight at all during the ceremony. Veteran director of several insufferably bad movies, Amjay admitted that he was very pissed off about it and that he wasn’t afraid to go on record about it, even if the record did break.

Shihab admitted that despite all his planning a last minute setback had nearly ruined the whole plan.

“The thing was I didn’t take into account gender when I was writing down the winner’s names on the cards. So I had accidentally written Tedry’s name on the Best Actress and Supporting Actress too. But I managed to catch it right after the first award was announced. Because of that we had to take a 10 minute break while I hastily wrote down some other people’s name so that the cat wouldn’t be let out of the bag too soon. It was then that those Bakhabaru reporters barged it and the mix-up occurred. But thankfully Tedry still had to walk up and down the aisle enough times for him to get some exercise finally. And most importantly, I finally won the bet.”

When asked what he had won from the bet, Shihab frowned for a while and then said: “I… really don’t remember anymore. It was so long ago. I think the bet was that if I could make Tedry lose 5 pounds then he would have to eat a 100 McDonald’s giant burgers in one sitting. Yeah that was it. Wouldn't that be a sight?”

Early yesterday many of the actors in the film industry returned the awards that had been given to them by mistake. When asked about it Ali Seezan, a rising film star and already taller than any of them, said that it was the least he could do.

“I like Tedry as much as anybody,” Seezan said. “And the award rightfully belongs to Tedry. He deserved it. Did you see how valiant and determined he looked as he wheezed up the stairs every time? That’s courage, man! I salute him.”

However, Fathah, another popular director and long time rival of Tedry wasn’t impressed. When Bakhabaru reporters mentioned that Fathah had left the theatre in a huff, Tedry said: “Typical. He is just jealous; he’s not half the man I am!”

When Fathah heard about it he shot back saying: “What’s he talking about? I AM half the man he is, despite the 5 kilos he’s allegedly lost! This was just a cheap publicity stunt to gain attention since he hasn’t been able to move about long enough to make a proper movie in a long time.”

Sappe' crowned with Who's Who Tome

Ali Antenna, reporting from Glasglow, Scotland

The apparently omniscience editor of fellow spoof-news (but infinitely more popular) website, Dhivehi Observer, has been crowned with a set of Who's Who tomes, Minivan News has reported.

Bakhabaru reporters stumbled over themselves to be the first to get a first hand comment from the self-exiled editor, Ahmed Moosa (Sappe'), but it was Ali Antenna who was the first to reach the palatial mansion in Glasglow, Scotland where Sappe' resides in self-exiled solitude.

When Bakhabaru reporter met with Sappe', the first question he posed was how Sappe' felt now.

"Better..." Sappe' said. "But I really felt it you know. It was a really huge tome. When you get crowned with something like that you are bound to feel it for some time. I still have a headache but things are better now." He paused as he shifted the huge ice pack on his head to the side and made himself more comfortable in his oversized and expensive couch by wiggling his butt into it. Only his mouth was visible under the icepack.

"It is a huge honour, you know," he mumbled, through the pack. "Not every body gets hits with one. You have to be really special. But this will not hinder my effort to spread fake news and libel all over my country, which if I had even given a tuna's tail about, would have meant that I wouldn't be able to enjoy all the riches I currently enjoy that the unlucky Maldivians can only dream about."

Many Maldivians believe that Sappe' has limited god-like powers that enable him to see everything that happens all over Maldives as it happens. And he has used these powers to unmask and defame and spread libel about many top government officials in his capacity as editor of DO. With these powers he has been known to report on things that has never happened, will never happen, and most often on things that are not happening in Maldives as he writes it. He has been known to make weather forecasts that are as inaccurate as the ones made by the Meteorology Department in Maldives and is always the first to bring the news of any happenings in the Maldives that are even remotely linked to politics, or even if it isn't. Lately his website has come under fire by locals for only publishing borrowed articles from other news sites. Sappe countered this by saying that if anyone thought they could do a better job of it they were welcome to try since he was on an indefinite break at the moment.

When asked if he had seen it coming, he made a scoffing noise.

"Of course, I knew," he said. "I am omniscience after all. I saw the tome coming a long way off, but that doesn't mean I could dodge it in time. I am not omnipotent... yet. I believe this is a cowardly act by incumbent President Golhaabo since he wasn't in on the list of the people named in the Who's Who's Who's Who's... sorry, I never know when to stop... anyway, in it's latest edition. Last week, my toilet wouldn't flush, and it was a huge stinky emergency at my palace. It was Golhaabo's fault too. And the time that my rubber ducky sank into my bathtub. It's lucky I live near a Fire Station. No telling what might have happened to little Sappe' That was Golhaabo's fault too!"

Afterwards confused Bakhabaru reporter politely asked Sappe about this new President and which country he was the President of, but Sappe' was temporarily unable to talk due the steam coming from his ears and froth bubbling at his mouth. Bakhabaru has since then been able to verify that Golhaabo was actually Sappe's pet name for the President of Maldives and several articles on DO subsequently made a lot more sense. After Sappe' gained back his ability to talk, albeit a little slurred after downing several bottles of high quality Scotch whiskey, he confided to Bakhabaru the origin of his own nickname which he had become very fond of.

"You shee, even back when I wash a sheenager, I never had much hair on my head... one day while flaying fooshball in Maldivsh someone mistakenly grabbed my head and kicked it. I travelled a conshiderable dishtansh and shinsh the act of kicking the ball in Maldivsh is called "shappu jehun", they nicknamed me Shappe. It wash very funny. It wash after the kick to my head that I... my powersh shtarted manishesht... maniteshfi... mani... anyway, I got my powersh!"

Later, speaking to Minivan News, who surprisingly didn't arrive in a minivan, Shappe' shaid... said: “I bring fake news to the Maldives. I bring the news that people in the Maldives want to hear. They are starved for entertainment. I want my people to be misinformed and make misinformed decisions. I don’t want them to be kept in the dark like I am.”

When asked what he thought about the many Maldivians who believed everything that was published on DO, he said curtly: "DKDC." --Don't know, don't care!

According to Minivannews.com, Dhivehi Observer is "universally known as D-O" but when Bakhabaru reporters contacted some Martians and Venusians to confirm the statement both the Martians and Venusians denied having even heard of it and said Minivan News must have gotten it confused with B.O.

Cinemas and movies more important than people: Maldives Government

In a move that will definitely get mixed reviews from Maldivians, the government has decided to postpone the distribution of vast amount of money they have hoarded in the wake of tsunami as foreign aid, to build cinemas in the islands of the atolls. Currently, not many islands can boast of having cinemas, or any buildings for that matter, as everything on some islands were totally destroyed during the Tsunami.

The news was received with cheers by the majority of the residents of Male, the Capital City, who had managed to survive the tsunami without any major losses. It is unsure what the reaction of the residents of the islands that were affected by tsunami are yet as they do not have access to TV or Radio or even a bed to sleep in since the tsunami destroyed their lives a few years back, and are quite probably not even aware of their great fortune, or misfortune if you want to look a gift yellow-fin tuna in the mouth.

Responding to a question by Bakhabaru reporters who were at the scene when Minister of State for Arts Hussain Shihab made the announcement at a news conference held at TVM, the Minister said that cinemas were definitely more important than building temporary shelters or even permanent ones.

"Look at the people of Male, for example," Shihab said. "They have all the amenities that a reasonable man could want or have, but does this stop them from riding around at high speeds and running into each other all the time. Does it stop them from gathering at street corners and chanting for the resignation of one person or the other? It does not and what is the reason? Entertainment! They need it, they crave it and they will do whatever they can to get it. Temporary homes and rebuilding islands can wait. With a cinema in each island they will forget about such sissy things as a bed to sleep on and food to eat."

He also said that the government was trying to further develop the film industry in the Maldives since it was the only industry that hadn't been seeing any developments for years and trying to attract foreign film companies by making arrangements for them to have easy access to production facilities.

"Once this goes through the money will flow into the country like a waterfall and the rich of the country will become even richer," said Shihab. "So you can imagine how much the wealthy merchants and politicians of Maldives want this done as quickly as possible. Forget about reconstruction of the islands and bouncing back from the tsunami disaster. That can wait. Cinemas are where it's at, baby!"