Sensational Miadhu Headlines

by Mohamed Headset in London, Maldives

A reader sent in the following photos of sensational local headlines after seeing some of the headlines we had featured in the "Latest Intriguing Headlines" column on Bakhabaru. I must say our headlines pale in comparison to these gems.

Did anyone else know about this? Turns out that we've been eating cement for a while and now we're running out of it. Hope they replenish our cement stocks soon, I'm getting kind of hungry.

Who knew that collecting fish was such a dangerous hobby? Spontaneous combustion is something I could live without. Anyone wanna buy a used aquarium?

Yeah, I think everyone would have been able to rest easier if Thakkan had been killed in an accident that wasn't fatal.

What? All of them? The entire Police force?! On second thought, this finally explains a lot. I guess we can't blame the Police anymore.

Thanks to D. A. for sending these in. If any of you readers comes across such cool headlines in our local newspapers please do forward them to us so that we could share it here. No news is spoof news, right?

Cyborg Mahir to remove egg-shooter for day in Court

by Ahmed Satellite in London

‘Cyborg’ Abdulla Mahir has agreed to allow MDP doctors and technicians to detach the cybernetic projectile launcher built into his arm before he goes before magistrates in Central London to face charges of taking egg-shots at President Gayoom.

Cyborg Mahir, as he is popularly known, recently made headlines when he tried to shoot the Maldivian President with his patented ‘poultry bomb’ projectile launcher during the President’s address to the Royal Commonwealth Society in London.

Mahir, currently at Version 3.2 of his upgrade to ultimately becoming a complete and fully functional cybernetic organism, went through two previous stages before achieving the technological capability required for the projectile launcher to be built into his arm.

During his initial upgrade to Version 1.0, Mahir had been installed with a cybernetic backbone, after he lost his real one in a game of Extreme Strip Poker with Umar Naseer, President of the oxymoronic Islamic Democratic Party. After losing his backbone, Mahir had been left for dead by Umar Naseer in an empty shack used for stripping uncooperative players.

As luck would have it, rival political party the Maldivian Democratic Party had rescued him and enlisted him for a top secret project known only to a few and called Operation Yellow Fever, under which Mahir had been grown a new metallic backbone and upgraded to ‘Backbone’ Mahir status. With the upgrade, ‘Backbone’ Mahir managed to accumulate enough courage to stand on his own two feet. Later on he was upgraded to ‘Egg’ Mahir status, which provided him with the necessary motor skill and articulation required to throw poultry projectiles with unerring accuracy at any hapless target. Some months later, MDP techno-wizards were able to upgrade him to ‘Cyborg’ Mahir status, and fitted the lethal and infamous projectile-launcher to his arm.

During the incident at Royal Commonwealth Society, Mahir had had used the cloaking ability built into his robot body to enter the Society in stealth mode. However he had been forced to drop the cloaking in order to use the projectile launcher and had been immediately rugby tackled by thousands of Gayoom’s bodyguards. But not before he had managed to shoot a few hen grenades at the unsuspecting President. It took a thousand bodyguards and a few Autobots to finally restrain Cyborg Mahir.

Cyborg Mahir said that he was pissed with the President because he had during a speech referred to him as ‘hen-pecked’; an insult that Mahir has never managed to get over.

“I will show him who is hen-pecked! Gayoom cannot hide from me,” Cyborg Mahir told Bakhabaru reporters a few days ago from his robotic fortress in the UK. “My cybernetic body is equipped with sensors and radars and whatnot that can track him down wherever he goes. The tech team is now working on a heat-seeking, DNA specific, egg projectile that will zero in on Gayoom wherever he is. Give me a few months and there’s nowhere in the world he can hide from my hen grenades!”

He also admitted that the surprise attack had been just a warning. “If I wanted to hit him, I could have!” he said. “The calculations are done instantly by computer and so it was on purpose I missed him. I was being a nice cyborg!”

If convicted, Mahir might be punished with being downgraded to Version 2.0 or having to work as an excavator at a construction site.

Police accuse suspicious looking bottle of alcohol possession

by Ahmed Satellite, reporting happily from the scene

The Maldives Police Service has arrested a suspicious looking bottle lurking under some trees near Dharubaaruge and accused it of being in possession of alcohol at the time of arrest.

According to a media official from the Maldives Police Service, the suspicious looking bottle that had been taken into Police custody last night had been disguised as a harmless looking Kinley water bottle. However the disguise had failed to fool the eagle-eyed cops who had drunk the contents of several bottles discarded in the area (including a bottle containing an unidentified yellow coloured liquid that smelled strongly of ammonia) before finally arresting the bottle based on evidence found at the scene.

“It was immediately apparent to the officers that the bottle contained alcohol,” the media official said. “The officers on patrol found the bottle exactly where they had discarded it after a late night out some hours earlier. But due to their jovial mood and the god-awful singing it took them through several various other bottles before they chanced upon it again. Several Police officers at the scene managed to identify the bottle on sight, so we were positive about the contents of the bottle even before we took the by then empty bottle to our forensics lab for more tests to ascertain that it was in fact a bottle.”

The media official said that the exact words from the officer who had rediscovered the suspicious looking bottle near the tree were: “Shureeekah! (hic) I havesh… found… (hic) itsh!”

According to Haveeru another bottle believed to contain vodka had been smashed on the seawall near the surfing area in Male by an unidentified group, much to the exasperation of Police who had arrived at the scene too late to save even an ounce of the liquid. For use as evidence, of course.

There has been no word from MDP on whether they wanted an autopsy carried out on the bottle pronto, as the Chairperson of the party, Mohamed Nasheed, was being given a ride by the Police at the time.

Voting closes in referendum to decide Gayoom's post

Voting in the referendum to decide whether incumbent President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom will remain a President or will have to change his designation to Prime Minister in the near future has officially closed. According to Minivan News the results will be announced from Daabaruge when counting is done. This might take a while as many people are still trying to find out where the hell this apparently new building called Daabaruge is. More information will be updated in silly sites such as DO, Minivan and Haveeru while Bakhabaru will continue to ignore and not report on any developments, old or new. Keep checking back as we continue our live coverage of totally ignoring this historic event. And remember: you have a right not to vote and you don't even need to vote. Besides it's too late now, they've closed the ballot boxes.

Overheard at the President's Office

by Abdulla Bluetooth

“MUNDHOO! Where are you, Mundhooo?”

“Coming, O beloved master!”

“Mundhu, quick! Give me your hands!”

“Here you go, O mighty hand holder!”

“Thanks… AAATCHHOOOO!!!”

“Er… why did you sneeze into my hands, O sultan of the irritated nostrils?”

“You know I always put a hand over my mouth and nose when I sneeze.”

“Right you are, sir.”

“So what’s on the agenda today, faithful Mundhu?”

“Well, we still need you to approve the new posters promoting the Riyasee system. This is the final day before voting begins and we need to give it the final big push as the MDP will also be doing everything in their power too. Here’s the design. Sweet huh?”

“Garish, but considering the voters, absolutely appropriate. Consider it approved. You still think it would be unwise to include the tagline “Father of the Riyaasee system” in the advertisement?”

“Yes, O exalted chief. I still think so.”

“Very well, and the distribution methods?”

“Same as before: we litter every road in Male except for the road in front of the Presidential Palace with these until they look like the dustbins in the offices of Enron. We shall also paste it on every wall, window, car, cycle and inert pedestrian.”

“Excellent, faithful lackey. Remind me to talk about the wrongness of littering and the dwindling rainforests in my next speech. It would make an excellent speech coming from the Father of Environment.”

“I live to serve, O generous one!”

“How is the petition to include my wondrous self in the New Seven Wonders of the World coming along?”

“Not as well as we hoped. As you know they refused to even enter you in the list.”

“I don’t understand it. I am more wonderful than anything on the stupid list aren’t I?

“You are, O wondrous chief.”

“I mean take for example the stupid wall of China. What in my name is it even doing on the list? It was a total flop from an engineering perspective, and it never managed to keep any invading armies out. Yet they think it’s a wonder? It’s a wonder how it ever got onto the short list while I was right here.”

“I hear that the Great Wall of China is the only man-made object visible from the moon, O uninformed one. (Although many believe that's not entirely true either).”

“Then let those living on the moon select it as a wonder. Last I checked we were talking about the Seven Wonders for people of the Earth. You won’t have to go to the moon to see Maumoon. Har har! I made a funny! Anyway, I’m right here. Mundhu, it's obvious you aren’t doing your job properly. Argue these points and get me named as one of the Seven Wonders of the World, pronto. I’m likely older than all the current seven wonders combined; that probably is enough cause for me to be on the list!”

“Yes, O ageless wonder. I will get right on it.”

“I need this Mundhu; my self-esteem is at an all time low at the moment. If I make that list I will be a shoo-in to be elected as the next Prime Minister or President of Maldives. If by some quirk of nature you are not able to get me on the list, try to get me listed as Father of the Seven Wonders instead. I like the sound of that. What else can I be the Father of?”

“Er… Farish?”

“Brilliant!”

ERC to experiment on Male’ crack

by Mohamed Headset

The Environment Research Centre of Maldives has unveiled a revolutionary, and quite possibly its final, plan to discover the truth about the developing crack in the Male’ house reef that has gotten a few locals (at least 3 or 4) worried.

In an interview with Haveeru Daily, the Centre’s Assistant Director General Ahmed Saleem said that he had seen some pictures of the crack and that it wasn’t pretty.

“It was really difficult to get the pictures,” he said. “I had to sort of reach behind me with the camera and judge the angle and everything with the help of a mirror. It wasn’t easy and I wouldn’t recommend it.”

What he had seen in the pictures had horrified him to such an extent that he had immediately made a reservation to get a bikini wax. “It was dark,” Saleem said. “Dark and deep. Very, very deep. And not just your regular deep. This is batshit crazy mother effing deep we’re talking about! But enough about my ass; it’s a very sensitive subject coz I’ve heard too many cracks about it.”

Saleem said that aerial photos taken of Male’ in 1964 and those taken a few days ago showed startling differences.

“For example look at this boat here in this satellite picture we downloaded off Google Earth yesterday,” he explained. “Now look at the same view someone had taken from a plane in 1964. Scary isn’t it? The boat’s disappeared! It’s a complete mystery. We don’t know what happened to it. This might be another Bermuda Triangle; a Maldivian Trapezium!”

Saleem said that another scary thing was how much Male’ had changed in 1964. “Large areas are missing around Male in the pictures taken in 1964. Like the artificial beach area. We can see that they’ve just disappeared… into the sea? Who knows? It’s mindbogglingly scary! Even the Customs area is missing! And the Presidential Palace and its swimming pool too! Who knows where it went? Our research has so far found that the MDP might have a hand in this.”

He went on to reveal the Centre’s plans to make sure once and for all whether the crack in the Male reef was widening.

“The plan is to build a huge 9 or 10 storey building on the area near where the crack is,” he said. “We will build it and see if the island cracks into two under its weight. If it doesn’t then we will build another even bigger building right next to the first one. And wait to see what happens. As this is a very scientific method to prove without a shadow of a doubt that the crack is indeed dangerous, we will keep on building it until we get the result we want. By this experiment we can find out whether it is dangerous to build huge building in the area and everyone can sleep safer because of it. And don’t worry; when the building is completed everyone’s invited to our big opening!”

Editorial: Nizam VS Nizam

by Ali Antenna

I’ve been getting a few emails from readers asking me where Bakhabaru stands on the two systems of governments that are on offer in the coming referendum. I thought I’d answer the question here.

To be honest, I don’t care what system of government (SOG) is implemented in the country. There I said it, I don’t care. It makes no difference to me what political party comes into power or what Prime Minister of President gets to hold the reins of the country. I am not interested in finding out about their differences and and as a result I probably know less about both systems than even the average Maldivian, who apparently are not very educated about it either. But my ignorance makes them look like PhD holders in political science. I revel in my ignorance.

As far as I am concerned all the political parties are just in it for the money and (unless of course I ever run for a seat, God forbid) a new president or a Prime Minister will be just as bad as the little guy with the incredibly long lifespan that we currently have to suffer through. What I really want is a proper democracy… that’s all. If it comes attached to a Prime Minister or President is no concern of mine. Both systems are in itself great and no worse than the other.

So what is my stand? Well, come referendum day, it’s going to be a case of “eeny, meeny, miny, mo!” for me. Of course, I don’t speak for the rest of the Bakhabaru staff; I have no idea which Nizam they are going to vote for. Personally, I’ve never seen them taking a stand on any of the Nizams on offer. In fact, I’ve never even seen most of them personally.

Once, I almost made up my mind to vote Riyaasee when I saw a poster that showed a lot of Maldivian filmstars standing together and making a ‘pistol sign’ (I realize now that it is the sign for Barulamaanee Nizam, go figure) and saying that they were for Barulamaanee Nizam. On one corner of the poster there was Muhamma Kalo in a blue shirt jostling Kuda Khajja, and probably grabbing her ass from behind to boot, and right then and there I decided I was going to vote for Riyasee Nizam, despite the name that when translated sounds like ‘Riya’s shit’?! There it was; reason enough not to vote for Barulamaanee: Muhamma Kalo! Any party who thought having the No. 1 Street Harassment Promoter in Maldives with the disgustingly creepy sense of humour was the best person to represent their SOG was not going to find a supporter in me!

Later, while out on the roads of Male’ I came across another poster on which film director Nahula was smiling and calling on everyone to vote Riyaasee! Now I was torn… how could I vote for Riyaasee now when our local sobfest producing film director was promoting it? What’s a guy to do? Which Nizam is right for me? Are both just as bad? Should I even bother to go and vote? Man, I gotta go do a Kudakamudhaa Nizam followed by a Bodukamudhaa Nizam to think this through…

Dead Maldivians will just have to vote: Elections Commissioner

by Mohamed Headset

Following the news that the names of many dead Maldivians had been included in the electoral register for the August 18 referendum, the Elections Commissioner has said that the dead Maldivians will just have to vote.

“I’m sorry but there’s no help for it,” said Elections Commissioner KD Ahmed Maniku speaking at a press conference held to address the issue today. “The dead Maldivians will just have to vote now. The alternative to fix the system is too time consuming and difficult to do. This is the only option remaining for us now.”

The Commissioner also responded to the questions about rumours that many Maldivians who were alive had not been included in the register. “They have probably not been born yet. Or they are now dead and just don’t know it yet,” he said and then went on to detail the steps they have taken to make sure that everything was fine by the referendum date.

“We have assembled two teams to handle the situation,” Ahmed Maniku said. “We have a Graveyard Squad and an Eraser Squad. The job of the Graveyard Squad will be to exhume all the people in the cemeteries who are on our list and to make sure they look presentable and ready to vote Riyaasee by August 18. The Eraser Squad will have the unenviable job of getting rid of the people who are not on our list. It will be quick and painless so there is no need to worry. I have assigned Adam Zahir to lead the Squad and everyone knows he is a master at such missions. I'm sure between ourselves we will have everything just fine and dandy by the deadline. Don't worry about it. It's being handled.”

When one of the Bakhabaru reporters present at the press conference commented that it would be easier to change the computer file the Commissioner retorted “You think so? Ok, then you do it. Here’s the manual; let’s see how easy you find it!” and threw a 50,000 page tome onto the table that caused the table’s legs to give way, causing it to crash onto the floor with a... well, a crash. The press conference promptly came to an abrupt finish.

Of Dinosaurs & PCs

Stolen from Evening Weekly
Original article by Inaya. A. Shareef
Came across this article while searching through Haveeru website. This is funny as heck. Never knew Haveeru had it in them to put stuff like this up. Or maybe they didn't get it... in which case it makes it even funnier.


Don’t stop me if you’ve heard this one before… trust me, this is different. And it really happened… and continues to happen.

A computer technician at a Government office gets a call early in the morning. It’s a very worried and impatient senior level official, and he is complaining that his PC is not responding and despite all his efforts the computer screen remained blank. He goes on to complain about the inconsistency and the unreliability of computers nowadays and how it was much easier and more reliable when back in his time human hands had done everything. After patiently listening to the senior official the technician promises to look into the problem immediately.

When the technician arrives at the scene of the faulty PC the senior official throws an accusing glare towards the PC, which indeed looks stubbornly blank and unresponsive. The technician gives the PC a once over and, while the senior official rants in the background about the capriciousness of the technology of this new age, calmly presses the POWER button on the PC. The PC immediately responds and starts booting up. Problem solved.

Unfortunately for the young technician who was among the many professionals hired in a rush following the computerization of government offices, this was just one of the most common ailments that they had to deal with on a daily basis.

Other disorders include losing a year’s work in a blink of an eye, thanks to the liberal use of the Delete key (“hmmm… I wonder what this button does”), failure to mail attachments (“I did attack it to the mail”), and failure to receive mails (“You mean I have to run Outlook to recieve mail?”), failure to print (“What do you mean there is no printer installed, it’s right there in front of the PC!”), failure to follow links in emails (“So where is this interesting news you talked about? There’s just a line of gibberish there!”), difficulties in saving files and documents in respective folders (“Is this program stupid? Why doesn’t it know the proper place to save documents?”), and so forth.

Now you might wonder why I am talking about this now. After all it wasn’t just yesterday that computers were introduced to the country. It wasn’t just yesterday that people were trained to handle basic office software to enable them to change their workplace into a paperless working environment. Let’s just say that I like to tickle a sleeping dragon, or as is more appropriate in this case, a sleeping dinosaur.

The other day I saw on the news that the Government was trying to create a gigantic computer network between all Government offices all over the country. It is supposed to expedite the current procedures and daily work of all offices, create easy accessibility for public and familiarization with rules and regulations, and a whole lot of other benefits. I’ve heard that Singapore was one of the few countries in the world with such a system that actually works for the benefit of the people. But then Singapore also has the youngest civil servants force in the world. About a decade ago, they had decided that enough was enough and retired all the dinosaurs that were just warming the cushy seats in the Government offices.

Obviously, we have not yet even begun to retire the old dinosaurs. More than half of the civil servants can barely take a step without assistance and then have a hard time remembering why they took that step in the first place. They cling on with rheumatic fingers to the old rules from a bygone and obsolete era, trying to make it work in an environment that has passed them by.

So how would handing over this new technology to the hands of these people make any difference? Or more importantly how is handing this new technology to people who will never trust it or make use of it going to make any difference?

Just for argument sake, let me show you how it works in an office with a dinosaur as your boss. Since almost every Government has a website or email addresses for its employees, your day starts with checking mails. Their day starts with being jolted from their age-induced sleep in the middle of a senior staff meeting. They are shocked to find themselves sitting with fellow dinosaurs and they wonder briefly whether they had got lost on their journey to the Lost Valley. But I digress… the younger senior level officials talk about changing existing policies for the benefit of the people; this is worrying news for the dinosaurs. After all, the Ice Age is nothing to be laughed at.

They see it as the public encroaching on their god-given right to confuse and delay any procedure for as long as they are breathing. The younger officials talk about transparency and accountability, the dinosaurs haven’t really understood these terms and consider them blasphemy. In the end, due to sheer number of the herd, the dinosaurs trample all over the younger officials and emerge victorious from yet another meeting that could have been disastrous for their kind.

However, it is only at these meetings that they have been able to get a foothold. All over the office, technology and new ideas have taken away their previous hold on power. The younger staffs are quite efficient in their work and finish whatever task they are given within minutes and come back for more. They find things that have been delayed for ages and try to find solutions.

The dinosaurs find this activity and efficiency quite unbecoming of a Government office. After all, the public can wait while they make new rules to find ways to delay every single procedure.

After a couple of hours discussing the good old days with the rest of the herd over a cup of tea and some short eats, he tramples back to his air-conditioned office and faces the state-of-the-art computer sitting prettily on his desk. Feeling quite important and powerful, he turns on the PC and busies himself playing Solitaire or indulging in less respectable activities involving websites where women dress in very revealing attire or frequently don’t dress at all. After all, that’s the only interesting thing that his computer does. There is always something wrong with his PC that doesn’t allow him to work on it like the other staff.

Emails and documents that are shared on a common server for all office personnel are printed out or photocopied a million times, because he keeps losing his copies, and takes up a considerable space on his expansive dark mahogany desk. He needs a secretary to type his letters, even though he has his own PC. He needs another staff to check his mail and answer them, because email program is always on strike. In short, to complete the work of one senior level executive dinosaur there are three or four secretaries or clerks that takes up space, resources and wastes time.

The way I see it, establishing a high tech computer system network is not the only way to expedite government work. We need to get rid of these dinosaurs and replace them with staff that can do the work of two or three people quite efficiently. Remember the story about the bull in the china shop. Same principle applies here; dinosaurs and computers don’t mix very well either. They are both from two very different eras. One has long gone extinct and the other is still on the evolution ladder, getting bigger, faster and better every day.

Maldivians upset over shortage of Nizams in upcoming referendum

by Ali Antenna and Ahmed Satellite, reporting because they can’t get any…

The upcoming referendum to decide what kind of government the country is going to have is just around the corner and quite typically, locals are already expressing their disgust at the shortage of Nizams available for them to vote for. The referendum will decide whether the Maldives will have a Barulamaanee Nizam or a Riyaasee Nizam -- and the two choices just aren’t enough seems to be the general consensus among the public.

“It’s disgusting,” said a member of the Maldives Disco Party (not to be confused with Maldives Dictator’s Party or Maldives Democratic Party or even Multiple Personality Disorder). “But enough talk about the food at these party meetings. The fact that there are only two choices available for us to vote shows the lack of proper democracy in Maldives. I for one am not going to vote so that I can complain about whatever form of government is implemented at the referendum. That’s the Maldivian way, after all.”

According to a poll that the Bakhabaru team planned to take among 300,000 Maldivians but never got around to actually doing, an overwhelming 73.874% of the Maldivian public was in support of a Dictatoree Nizam, 18.587% supported a Narudhamaa Nizam, a tie of 11.435% percent for both Barulamaanee Nizam and Riyasee Nizam, and 5.409% voted for Thoddoo Nizam and Jungiyaa Nazim. The results clearly indicate that no one in the Bakhabaru team had passed in arithmetic.

With the release of the figures to the public today, Party members are already trying to put a spin on the results so that it would favour their own party. Most pundits, analysts, strategists and roanu edhuru’s agree that the biggest obstacle for a good clean voting match was the lack of an understanding among Maldivians of the Nizams on offer and what it would mean for the country.

Bakhabaru reporters were lucky enough to get a few words from aging President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom during a rare bout of lucidity about the tactics he intended to employ to win the referendum.

“The lack of understanding is an opportunity,” the aging President, who is believed to be approaching his 229^th birthday with possible gusts of 240 or 250 during rough weather, said. “And we will exploit it, although it’s already a foregone conclusion that the public will decide on a Riyaasee Nizam. For one thing it sounds much cooler than Barulamaanee which sounds like the name of a dead whale rotting on one our beautiful exploitable beaches. The polls show that most people want a Dictatoree Nizam so we will make it known that Dictatoree and Riyaasee are like two pods in a pea. I mean… two sods in the sea. Wait, poo pots in the tea... tea pots? Ahem… anyway, you get the idea.”

MDP Chairman Anni, who had nearly caused a scandal recently when he attached wheels to his chair, began stalking alleged criminals in the dead of the night and calling himself Wheelchairman, said that the MDP was trying their best to teach him about Barulamaanee Nizam but that since they hadn’t been formally introduced still, he might have a hard time recognizing the guy even if he met him.

“Our aim is to associate our Nizam with everything… right?” he asked, looking around at the assembled members of his party imploringly. “Yes, that right. So we are telling everyone that if they vote for our dear friend Barulamaanee, they are actually voting for a democracy that will allow them to vote for whatever they want; even Dictatoree Nizam and… and… even Thoddoo! This plan can’t fail. Old Golhaabo can start counting his days now. This can’t fail. My god Sappe has told me so.”

Voting fervor has gripped the country and some major politicians have vowed to name their next borns, including any bastards, Barulamaanee or Riyaasee Nizam. Only a short time to go before the envelopes are opened and the result of the fixed voting is announced. Until then everyone, expect those who will be counting the votes, can only make guesses.