President Gayoom surprises everyone, including himself, with unexpectedly amazing announcement

By Ali Antenna

In a completely unexpected, unforeseen and startling move that has taken the Maldives by storm and dropped jaws all over the country, incumbent President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom has revealed that he would be the presidential candidate representing the Dhivehi Rayyithunge Party (DRP) in the Presidential Elections to be held in 2008.

The President made the announcement while muttering and grumbling through a speech he had given in some island in Maldives. DO analysts and experts said that they believed the President had made the announcement in an effort to wake up the crowd that had fallen asleep almost as soon as he began the speech by saying “blah blah yakkety yakkety and more of the same ol’ same ol’”.

The news has taken all the opposition parties by total surprise, not to mention members of the DRP itself who had been expecting the President to pass away in a fateful multi-million dollar launch accident involving two bananas and the whole ocean before the end of the year. The President himself admitted that he was astonished by his announcement.

“I am astonished by my announcement,” the President said.

Later, in a personal off-the-record interview with Bakhabaru reporters, he admitted that he blamed it all on Mundhu because Mundhu had gotten the Presidential speech one of the Presidential minions had written for the occasion mixed up with his grocery list, leaving the President on the podium with nothing to say except the names of vegetables and meat.

“I blame it all on Mundhu,” the President said. “He had gotten the Presidential speech one of the Presidential minions had written for the occasion mixed up with his grocery list, leaving my Excellency on the podium with nothing to say except the names of vegetables and meat.”

The President also said that because of that he had been left on the podium speechless.

“I had been left on the podium speechless,” said the President looking forlorn. “Literally. The announcement was all I could come up with on the spot but fortunately it really woke up the audience.”

Opposition party members were quick to hide their surprise at the earth-shatteringly surprising announcement. Except for former Acting-President of the MDP Zaki, who apparently had swooned and fainted upon hearing the news. He was however back up in a few minutes, shaking his fist and calling the announcement a ‘politically motivated’ act.

MDP’s Mohamed Nasheed (Anni) however said that he was not at all worried by the announcement and said that he was still confident that the Maldivian public would elect him by a landslide in the elections of 2008. In fact, he said he was so confident about it he even revealed to Bakhabaru the Presidential speech that he had been preparing for the past several years for the occasion. He admitted that he had only managed to finish the first sentence however, but under pressure from the unrelenting stares of the Bakhabaru reporters he gave in and gave his permission to publish the sentence which was: “Ooookay… so now I’m the President… hmmm… erm… now what?”

The Maldivian public, like the political parties, were also taken completely unawares by the announcement.

“It was unbelievable,” said a man on the street. “It was completely and utterly unexpected. Like the time the President said that water was a liquid. Or that cricket is a sport. I had to be admitted at the hospital for the shock! Unbelievable!”

At the time of going to press, it is believed that the Maldivian public is gradually recovering from the shock. Many are expected to make a full recovery before the week is over.

Hungry for the Country: Umar Naseer’s latest attention-grabbing stunt

by Mohamed Headset

Fans of Umar Naseer, self-proclaimed ‘tough cop’ and attention-whoring leader of the Islamic Democratic Party (IDP), rejoiced once again as the attention deprived President of IDP unveiled his new plan to draw more attention to himself a few days ago.

In Umar’s latest bid to get the Maldivian public to pay more attention to him, the charismatic leader, who is both loved and loathed simultaneously, often by the same person, has decided to go for four days… that’s 4 whole days, without food or any other kind of sustenance except for liquids.

“I got this idea from David Blaine,” said Umar Naseer, speaking to Bakhabaru reporters from the Artificial Beach where he had just woken up refreshed and ready to do nothing except have people come and gawk at him. “Blaine also did this kind of thing when he felt that people weren’t paying enough attention to him. Like that time he buried himself in a block of ice or locked himself in a glass box. It works, you see.”

Umar had initially distributed flyers about the proposed hunger-strike all over Male in the hopes drawing in huge crowds but later admitted that he was a little concerned that the overwhelming support the public would undoubtedly have expressed in the strike would have meant that he would have to share the limelight with too many people. As it turned out he need not have worried, as at the moment of writing there are only five people, including Umar, who had participated in the hunger strike.

“It’s good that there are only half of those that started the strike now,” said Umar undaunted. “It just shows that the public knows that I really need the attention and that they are showing their support by not coming here and spoiling it for me. It’s all good.”

Giving more details on the strike Umar said that he was not feeling at all hungry. “It could be a miracle that I am not hungry but I like to think that it’s really because I’m such a tough guy. The Maldivian public needs a tough guy like me. The women just go crazy for stuff like this. This will send out the message that I am that tough a guy. Anyway, I estimate that once I remove these I.V.’s I’ve been attached to for these last few days I will get hungry pretty soon. But the strike would have ended by then, so no worries.”

When asked whether he believed that IDP’s hunger strike would bring an end to inflation Umar became very confused. “Inflation? What inflation?” he said, looking guiltily around at his fellow strikers for support. “There’s been some indigestion, yes, and last night nocturnal emissions from my fellow strikers kept me awake half the night until I plugged my ears and nose. It was a group effort though and luckily this was a wide open space. Otherwise the air would have become really thick here last night.”

Another striker commented that the worst part of the strike was when he had had to go to the bathroom during the middle of the night. “You just try to take a leak here at the Artificial Beach at night without splashing pee on the couples that litter the area. Man, this naked angry couple nearly did a Bobbitt on me!”

According to Haveeru News the strikers had last eaten at DineMore restaurant at the Artificial Beach. The IDP strikers aren’t the first to have sworn off good food after having what passes for a meal at the restaurant but Umar said that he hoped that a little focus on the ‘Submarine Sandwich’ available at DineMore would indirectly influence his flagging Whale Submarine sales so he had had no other choice. He later had to eat a dozen Mars chocolate bars to get rid of the aftertaste.

Umar’s previous stunts at drawing attention to himself include trying to swim between Male and Villingilli to draw attention away from some foreigner named Pugh who had tried to swim across the Maldives, and the offering of huge sums of money for the capture and arrests of prostitutes who were allegedly making more money in a single day than what his Whale Submarine business could in a month. He had also tried to make himself appear more of a tyrannical dictator than the incumbent one by releasing his presidential manifesto that had reportedly brought tears of joy to Adam Zahir’s eyes.

“That wimp Maumoon is nothing compared to what I could become,” said Umar, clenching his fists and flashing bright white teeth for the benefit of the cameras. “Anni is even a bigger sissy. I’m going to clean the floor with those losers when election comes, just you wait.”

Umar and his fellow strikers are scheduled to end their hunger strike and stuff themselves silly at some restaurant other than Dine More at 6:00pm Saturday. God have mercy on anyone who gets in their way.

Bakhabaru Exclusive: Interview with DO ‘analysts’ and ‘experts’

by Mohamed Headset

Much controversy is raging on about the ‘experts’ and ‘analysts’ that have voiced their opinions on Maldives #1 spoof site, Dhivehi Observer or DO, as it is popularly known on some of the uninhabited planets of the solar system. Who are these mysterious and unnamed analysts who seem to know everything about nothing and nothing about everything? How did His Gloriousness Mr Sappe manage to snare such amazing talent to work for him, or for that matter, even speak to him? These are just some of the questions that have been asked by locals over the years since DO went online. Answers to other questions like “Are they single?” or “Do they watch Oprah?” have also so far remained a mystery. But with keyboard in hand, fearless Bakhabaru reporters Ali Antenna and Ahmed Satellite have once again risked life, limb, drowning, alcohol, several stray cats, the Statue of Liberty, a stale pizza and Bakhabaru team’s dilapidated laptop (running Windows 95 at blazing snail’s pace) to bring you the answers to the questions that have been burning in the minds of DO readers since His Gloriousness Mr Sappe first set his beady eyes, slightly glazed with too much alcohol, on the figurative throne of Maldives.

Antenna and Satellite arrived at Glorious Mr Sappe’s palatial mansion in Glasglow, Scotland, after a short trip in their privately owned (because they were too embarrassed to make it public) amphibious dinghy. Sappe was just showing Maldivian Dictator Golhaabo or Maldivian President Gayoom (it was difficult to tell because he was wearing gloves) out from his mansion. The two intrepid reporters stayed respectfully aside as Golhaabo (or Gayoom) passionately hugged and thanked Sappe for the wonderful job he was doing of making the main opposition party seem like a bunch of ridiculous inept idiots, hell bent on conspiracy theories. Glorious Sappe reassured Gayoom (or Golhaabo) that he would do his best to spread stupidity and lameness across Maldives with his website and continue to showcase the MDP as the champion in the war of dunces. Golhaabo (or Gayoom) then wiped a stray tear from the corner of his eyes, and sighing, entered his rented black limousine and drove away. An hour or so later, after the long line of armed guards and motorcade that flanked and accompanied Gayoom (or Golhaabo) had finally managed to leave the area, the Bakhabaru reporters were met by Glorious Sappe in traditional butler outfit, who showed them inside and took them to where the meeting was to take place.

Once Antenna and Satellite were comfortably seated they told Glorious Mr Sappe of the reason for their trip and he immediately agreed to let the reporters interview his sources, provided that they agreed that each ‘analyst’ and ‘expert’ be asked only a few questions. Antenna and Satellite promptly agreed, upon which glorious Sappe excused himself and told him that he would send in his ‘military analyst’, ‘political expert’ and ‘expert and analyst in general’ one after the other.

One minute later a man clad in camouflage gear and armed to the teeth marched in and cut a salute that would have brought a tear to the most psychotic drill-sergeant’s eye. He then marched forward and shouted a command to himself to stand at ease. Antenna and Satellite were shocked to find that other than the military fatigues he was wearing (and the beret that was pulled over the man’s hair) he looked exactly like His Gloriousness Mr Sappe!

After a while Satellite cleared his throat and both reporters carefully edged towards ‘Military Sappe’.

“Er, your Gloriousness?” Antenna eventually ventured.

“Excuse me?” the man said.

“Who’re you?” asked Satellite the Tactless.

“I am the Military Analyst for DO,” said the Military Analyst. “My real name is, if I had one, so highly classified even I don’t know it. I doubt even my mother knows it, that is if I even had a mother.”

“I may be way off base here, but you have a striking resemblance to His Gloriousness,” Antenna asked, still carefully scrutinizing the Military Analyst’s face.

“Just a coincidence,” said the Military Analyst promptly. “We’ve even done DNA tests to prove that I am not His Gloriousness.”

“How about the evil twin theory? Like in the case of Gayoom and Golhaabo?” Satellite asked pencil poised over notebook.

“Ridiculous!”

“But how can we know for sure that you are no in fact His Gloriousness?” Satellite hadn’t gotten where he was, or anywhere else, for lack of curiosity and skepticism.

“Aha! I was hoping you would ask,” the Military Analysts brightened up. “It’s for just these occasions that I carry proof around with me.”

“You carry the DNA reports with you all the time?” said Satellite, impressed. As far as he was concerned no one could beat a man who carried evidence of his innocence from and about everything with him at all times.

“Even better,” Military Analyst confided and leaned forward. “Come closer. See here, on the right side of my nose. See that mole? There’s your evidence!”

There was a moment of painful silence, followed immediately by an even more painful moment of noise as both reporters cracked heads together in their haste to examine the proffered proboscis. After a careful examination both reporters leaned back.

“And this is evidence of…”Antenna began.

“…what exactly?” Satellite finished.

“That I am not His Gloriousness, of course!” said the Military Analyst. “See, the real His Gloriousness Mr Sappe does not have a mole on his nose. There’s your evidence!”

“Aah,” said Antenna slowly. “I see.”

“Pretty good trick!” said Satellite, tapping his forefinger to the side of his own nose conspiratorially. “That is pretty compelling evidence, I have to admit. Most people would have missed that, surely.”

The Military Analyst suddenly stood up. “Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to get back to work. It’s a full time job being a Military Analyst. I have military stuff that needs analyzing.”

“But…” began Satellite.

“We haven’t even begun the questions…” wailed Antenna.

“Sorry. I will send in the Political Expert shortly.” And with that DO’s famous Military Analyst walked out.

Two minutes later the door opened again and in walked someone who at first glance again appeared to be His Gloriousness Mr Sappe. But of course, by then our intrepid reporters had learnt not to trust their eyes and ears when dealing with His Gloriousness. This Sappe-lookalike was immaculately dressed in expensive clothing, a thick head of hair – slightly off kilter, owning to the fact that it was probably a wig –that had been slicked back in greasy strands and sporting a smile that illuminated a good few feet ahead of him. He looked around the room and immediately spotted the two Bakhabaru reporters and made a beeline for them, his hand extended in front of him like a battering ram.

“Aaah, if it isn’t the extraordinary reporters of Bakhabaru,” the man said, still all the way across the room and shouting to be heard across it. “I have heard so much about you. World famous in Maldives I hear. Good, good. Very good. Let me shake you by the hand. Such a great pleasure. Delighted, absolutely, completely and utterly delighted to have made your acquaintance.” By now he had reached the reporters and as promised shook their hands – along with all the other attached parts – for a good long time in a two handed shake that the reporters didn’t recover from for full two minutes.

“And you must be…” began Satellite, shaking his head to clear the effects of the handshake and fishing in his shirt pocket for his sunglasses to protect against the glare of teeth in front of him.

“ASIM, Political Expert for DO, of course,” said ASIM, beaming even more widely if possible; an event not unlike a solar flare.

“And you aren’t related to…” started Antenna, squinting into the teethy brilliance.

“Of course not!” said ASIM, quite shocked. “I am even offended that you even thought so. I look nothing like His Gloriousness, for one thing. See, I even have a wig… I mean hair. For another, I even dress more impeccably. But I see by your expressions that you still don’t believe me so I will have to provide undeniable proof.” With that he began taking off his expensive coat. His tie followed shortly. Then with a very vocal “Tadaa!” he ripped open his shirt, much like Superman does, showing off a veritable forest of chest hair that put Anil Kapoor and most primates to shame. “See there, near the left nipple. See that! Proof that I am not His Gloriousness Mr Sappe as most seem in here seem to think.”

Antenna and Satellite immediately donned their hiking gear and set off on an expedition through the forest of chest hair to search for and cut a path to the alleged evidence located near the foot of Mt Left Nipple. Their perseverance was rewarded moments later when they found a small beauty mark (not that the name aesthetically improved anything about the landmark) around the area. Antenna and Satellite put away their hatchets and hiking gear and leaned back, skeptics no more.

“What about your name?” asked Antenna after a few seconds of contemplative silence. “I can’t help but notice that your name seems an abbreviation of Ahmed Saee…”

“You, sir, have too much imagination!” interrupted ASIM, hurriedly. “That’s just a coincidence. Two coincidences don’t make a fact… hey! That’s a cool quote! Make sure you put that in the interview!”

“I suppose that’s true,” Antenna said almost to himself. “I guess I should give you the benefit of the doubt.”

“Okay then, satisfied?” said ASIM, looking pretty satisfied himself. “Good. Now if there are no more questions you will have to excuse me. There are politics that need experting…”

“One more question if you please, Mr ASIM,” said Satellite rushing after the retreating figure, but pleased with for having managed to capitalize the letters in the expert’s name in an impressive verbal feat. “Why all the secrecy? Why do you always prefer to remain anonymous in the reports on DO?”

“Holy Fake News! Secrecy? What secrecy? There’s no secrecy! That’s blasphemous!” ASIM seemed totally aghast. “It’s not that I’m anonynyny… mouse but it just sounds so much cooler when you say Political Expert and Military Analyst! Besides, what would happen if people started realizing… I mean, thinking that it was only just me… I mean, His Gloriousness Mr Sappe alone who was writing all the comments and pretending to be some expert or analyst. People wouldn’t take DO seriously anymore. And we can’t have that, right? Seriously, there’s no secrecy. We like to keep things transparent here. In fact, I’ve asked all women who enter my palatial… er, this palatial mansion to wear transparent clothing. I’ve even designed some transparent hijab outfits for those occasions so that the fundies won’t feel left out.”

“That’s great news,” said Satellite, who hated any sort of discrimination. “Please don’t let us detain you any further. I bet those pesky politics needs constant experting to keep them in line.”

“You have no idea,” ASIM sighed heavily. Then after giving both Satellite and Antenna another dose of his version of a handshake in The Return of the Full Body Handshake, DO’s Political Expert, ASIM, made his exit, leaving the Bakhabaru reporters hugging the furniture in an effort to make the world stop rocking so much.

Precisely two minutes and three seconds later there was a shy knock on the door. As far as shy knocks went, this one would have tripped over its own feet and then gone and hidden behind a bush. When the door didn’t open Antenna opened it. Outside was a shy bespectacled man who, not surprisingly and but for the glasses, appeared to look exactly like His Gloriousness Mr Sappe. He was wearing a T-shirt tucked into his trousers and looked every bit the stereotypical geek.

“Let me guess,” said Antenna, trying very hard not to roll his eyes. “You must be the Expert and Analyst in General?”

There was a vocal response from the bespectacled man, Antenna was sure of it, but the response was so low or high in the sound spectrum that only dogs would have been able to hear it. Antenna took that as a ‘yes’ anyway.

“No doubt you also happen to have a mole, excuse me… beauty mark on you somewhere that will prove without a doubt that you are not His Gloriousness Mr Sappe, right?”

The bespectacled Sappe look-alike nodded vigorously and began to unzip his trousers. Antenna shot a hurried glance at Satellite.

Antenna opened his mouth to say something but thought better of it and then closed it, except for the corner through which he said: “I am afraid to ask where the mole is going to be this time.”

“I don’t think you will have to ask; he’s about to show it!” Satellite voice came back weakly, emphasizing the last word.

Meanwhile the Expert and Analyst in General had stripped off his trouser and was about to pull down his underwear, which incidentally was white with pink hearts. Each of the reporters grabbed the hand that was closest to them and managed to keep them from reaching the undy. The fingers of the Expert and Analyst in General wriggled and clenched as it tried to fight its way toward the underwear.

“I believe we are ready to take your word for it,” Antenna said desperately. “Won’t we, Satellite?”

“Yes, chief!” said Satellite through gritted teeth and concentrated on steering the man in the middle towards the exit. They just managed to push him out but before they could close the door the reaching digits finally reached their destination and completed the action that had been postponed by the combined might of the reporters. Then they managed to close the door shut with a loud bang. A muffled and high-pitched voice behind the door could be heard saying something that sounded like “if you will look closely you will see the mark here at the end of my d…”

“Phew!” said both reporters together, still leaning back against the door. “That was close!”

Minutes later they were being escorted outside by His Gloriousness Mr Sappe who asked the reporters to drop by anytime they wished and hoped that the interview had put to rest any doubts that had ever existed within their minds. The reporters wholeheartedly acknowledged the fact that the Experts and Analysts at DO were real, different people with totally different characteristics, hairpieces and other accessories and told His Gloriousness that they would do everything in their power to make the locals aware of that fact. As Sappe waved his half-empty whisky bottle to the departing reporters, Satellite, who had an eagle eye for details, commented on the fact that His Gloriousness was still wearing a green beret, a greasy slicked back hairpiece and a strangely familiar pair of glasses.

“Oh, that! Heh heh…” said His Gloriousness, sheepishly. There was a pause as he desperately wracked his brain for an explanation. “I was just er… checking to see… er how observant you were. I am glad that you are as sharp as ever.”

“Oh, is that so?” said Satellite, beaming. “Yes, I am that. Very sharp. Knives got nothing on me. So sharp I might hurt myself.”

“Truly,” said His Gloriousness. And with that our intrepid reporters took their leave and walked off into the sunset, or at least in the general direction of a sunset somewhere.