Funny Caption Contest #2

PHOTO #2

Send in your funny captions for the above picture. Someone somewhere desperately needs a caption so that he can finally get some sleep. Help out a fellow blogger, will ya.

MDP disgusted with Police for being unreliable and inconsistent

by Mohamed Headset

Following the preliminary autopsy report* released by the Sri Lankan coroner in the case of Hussain Solah, who was found dead in the Male harbor earlier this month, the MDP has expressed distaste at the sheer ineptitude and unreliability of the Maldives Police Service.

“It’s downright disgusting,” said Mohamed Nasheed (Anni), MDP Chairperson. “The one time we actually had evidence of their crimes, it turns out they are innocent after all. It’s just too bad for them. This just goes on to show that you just can’t trust the Maldives Police. They are totally unreliable. Now we’ll just have to fall back to shouting ‘Golhaabo Isthifuaa’ for another month or so, but it just isn’t as fun as it used to be. The Police haven’t even arrested me for chanting that for months now. All the excitement has gone out of my life. I bet they did this on purpose to disillusion me.”

Acting President of the MDP, Zaki, however has not lost all hope and unveiled his new plan: “Remember when Anni was arrested that first time and the public outcry resulted in riots in the streets. In short, remember the glory days of the MDP? Well, with my plan we could have it all back again. If the public outrage at the arrest of Anni was so violent, just imagine what would happen if Anni turned up dead? Under mysterious circumstances! Imagine that! We could have an overnight revolution. However there’s a little problem in that I am having a little trouble selling the idea to Anni. But I’m working on it. This baseball bat here is part of the negotiations I am having with him in private tonight.”

The Maldives Police Service had earlier tried to solve the case by proposing a revolutionary new idea based on eliminating unlikely scenarios but it had been snubbed by the MDP and the general public.

“We gathered all the Policemen in the country and asked them to come up with original scenarios that end with Solah somehow killing himself accidently while trying to commit a heinous crime involving drugs or a Christian missionary,” said a senior Police official, explaining the mechanics behind the revolutionary new theory they had introduced to solve crimes. “We managed to come up with a couple of hundred scenarios of how he could have ended up in the harbor. Then we eliminated all the unlikely scenarios such as the ones where the Police had tortured and beaten him up to get a confession and then all the Police officers voted on the most likely set of events that had led to his demise. We ended up with two very likely theories. The first was that after Solah had been released from our custody without even a scratch on him, he had tried to break into an MDP church to sleep on a pew since he had no place to stay. The MDP priests had gotten really pissed when Solah had attempted to steal their golden cross and hit him on the head with it. Consequently he had lost consciousness and fell off a cliff into the Male harbor several hundred miles below. Yes, I know that bit about him not having a place to stay sounds a bit ridiculous and unbelievable, especially in Male, which is probably why the second theory was the one which got the most votes.”

“The second theory is much more plausible,” the officer continued, “It says that Solah had been released from Police custody without even a scratch on him and he had promptly run off to rob a bank. While on the way he had been abducted by aliens in a UFO who had probed him and conducted several tests on his body and then after mistaking him for a fish, had dumped him into the sea. By the time they had realized their mistake the body had been found by locals and fished out. You have to remember that all this time he was alive, although just barely. He finally died of boredom while waiting for the doctor at IGMH to come and examine him.” The officer further revealed that the Police had been trying to find the evidence to back up the theory when they had had to cave in to public pressure and send the body to Sri Lanka for an ‘independent’ autopsy. “As if we couldn’t have solved the case by ourselves given a few years or decades. It is just too bad. We had even photoshopped some very convincing pictures of a UFO over a Male cityscape too! Do you know how much work that was?”

Chief of Police Adam Zahir said he felt vindicated after the Sri Lankan coroner had ruled out foul play and established death by drowning because fine particles of sand had been found inside Solah’s lower respiratory passages. Bakhabaru reporters had asked Adam Zahir why the presence of fine sand particles had led to the conclusion that Solah had drowned and why no mention of whether water or even sea water had been found in the respiratory passages.

“I don’t know much about this ‘autopussies’ but I think it must mean that he had drowned in fine white sand, probably,” said Zahir. “Otherwise they should have found evidence of some kind of water in the respiratory passages, right? However, I think burying a live body in fine white sands is a really good idea and I should incorporate that into my arsenal of painful torture methods, not that we do any torturing here, of course. This is purely a mental exercise.”

When questioned about the contradictions between the two reports, one made by IGMH and the other by the Sri Lankan coroner, Zahir said: “You must be referring to that wound on the head right? It’s pretty obvious isn’t it? It was a long time after the IGMH doctors had examined Solah that the Sri Lankan coroners got their hands on him. So it’s obvious he had healed during that time. There’s absolutely no conspiracy. Healing is a natural process of the body. It’s purely biological.”

The Maldives Government has expelled a collective sigh of relief after the autopsy report had been made public.

“I don’t mind telling you that we were worried for a second there,” said Foreign Minister Dr. Shaheed. “Even the Police officers who had interrogated him with the shock batons and the Iron Maiden weren’t sure if he had died because of something they had done. They swear he had been the picture of perfect health as he had stumbled and crawled, bleeding and groaning, out into the night from the Police station. I hope this puts to rest any speculation that there is any sort of torture going on at the Police stations. Now the Police officers can finally go back to their real jobs of pulling down stupid posters that the MDP keeps pasting on the walls all over Male. It’s a dirty job, you know, but somebody’s gotta do it.”

* Now awaiting approval by the Guinness Book of World Records’ Judges Board for acceptance in the category of “Shortest Autopsy Report”

Funny Caption Contest #1 Winners

Well, after several hours of discussion with the Bakhabaru Team we have finally come up with a Winner and the Runner-up for the Funny Caption Contest #1. It wasn't easy and since we are very democracy minded here at Bakhabaru we decided to vote for it. In respect to the fact that we are living in Maldives, my vote counted as three votes however. Anyway, here are the winning captions.

Runner-up:

I have got to stop smoking pot on these fishing trips... - by Anonymous

Winner:

I'm gonna need one big ass tank to put this one in! -by Anonymous

Looks like 'Anonymous' is the big winner today. Congratulations, you now have a chance to win some cool prizes. Whatever they may be.

Some readers have sent in some pictures that they've been dying to find a caption for so we'll be posting them one at a time in the coming weeks.

Funny Caption Contest #1

Welcome to the Bakhabaru Funny Caption Contest!

PHOTO #1


Send in a funny caption for the photo above and secure yourself a chance to win big prizes. This is no way implies that you will win any prizes, just that there will be a chance of that happening someday, somewhere, somehow. So hurry and send in your funny captions to ensure that you get a chance to win big.

PS: If you have any pictures that you just can't find a caption for, then email it to us. We'll help you come up with the perfect caption. It's the least we can do!
Thanks to Zarey for sending us this photo.

The Derriere of Maldives

An exhaustively inefficient report by Ahmed Rushdie,
Borrowed from EW

It’s practically tradition now for us Maldivian movie goers to complain that there are no more funny movies being made in the Maldives, or that the comedians of yesteryear could sweep the floor with their modern day counterparts. And they would be right… for the most part. It’s true that the comedies of late haven’t enjoyed the success that the earlier ones did, but my argument is that just because they aren’t all that successful, doesn’t mean they aren’t funny. Funny is a relative term. What could reduce one person to a helpless puddle of mirth on the floor could make the next man sniff his nose and move on, stepping into the aforementioned puddle while going about it.

My aim is to prove that there is at least one man in the country who can still be considered funny enough to stand toe to toe – or failing that at least stepping on the other’s toe – with the best from our recent history. So without further ado I wrest the pleasure of presenting to you, the one person who in my humble opinion has become the saviour of Maldivian humour: Muhamma Kalo. Hang in there, ladies. Or at least try to control yourselves. I know it’s not every day you get the chance to express your feelings firsthand to the man who has contributed tirelessly to promoting sexual harassment of women on the streets in his movies/songs and consistently portrayed Maldivian women as dumb, pretty, gold digging idiots, incapable of independent or even rational thought.

I believe you’d be hard pressed to find someone as talented as Muhamma Kalo is when it comes to being funny. Mind you, everyone you know or everyone you meet in your everyday life are probably more talented, funnier and wittier than he is – in fact, if you happen to be in the toilet you could find a puddle of soap suds near the drain that has more personality and capacity to tickle your humerus than Muhamma Kalo does – but finding someone as talented as he is? In your dreams, pal!

During my research into the unparalleled anti-phenomena known as Muhamma Kalo, I subjected myself to a torturous regime of watching at least two alleged local comedies everyday for a week. It was near the end of the week that I, while on the verge of slashing my wrists*, finally realized what the point of Muhamma Kalo’s, if you’ll forgive the loose use of the word, movies were.

Apparently evolution contributes in spades to how this has come about. Maldivians have evolved; there is no doubt about that, and so has their sense of humour. What was once the bee’s knees have now become, metaphorically speaking, its elbows. What worked before doesn’t work that well anymore. The comedy genre needed to evolve to keep up with the evolved sense of humour and Muhamma Kalo was there to fill the evolution gap. Someone had to be the posterior end of Maldives.

All this time I had been thinking ‘inside the box’ (admittedly as good a place to look for misplaced humour as any other place) and been diligently on the lookout for any funny stuff that might have been inadvertently left behind when Muhamma Kalo had edited his movie. It was then that I decided to think ‘out of the box’. That was also when the epiphany hit: Muhamma Kalo isn’t funny. And that’s the point!

Sure, people have been known to laugh on the rare occasion when watching one of his, if you’ll pardon my loose use of the word, movies, but that’s most likely the result of the ‘Emperor’s New Clothes’ syndrome. If you don’t laugh while watching a movie that everyone knows is a comedy then people might think you’re an idiot. No one in his right mind wants to be an idiot, although wanting isn’t a requisite most of the time. To make it really clear, let me just come right out and say it: Muhamma Kalo’s doesn’t make comedies. He makes feel-good movies.

The point of a Muhamma Kalo’s movie isn’t to make you laugh. It is to make everything that happens after watching the movie seem an enjoyable, or in extreme cases, even hilarious experience. It is such a relief to finally be done with the damned thing that you can’t help but feel good about everything that happens in your life afterwards, subsequently invoking the sense of having seen a really feel-good movie.

With this groundbreaking revelation in hand I began to see Muhamma Kalo’s excruciatingly bad movies in a new light, in a manner of speaking. Everything began to make a sort of a nonsensical sense. The total lack of plot; the whiny voice; the idiotic facial, for lack of a better word, expressions; the supposedly hilarious getups; the gambolling around as an excuse for dancing, it’s all planned down to the last minute detail. A juxtaposition of absurdities designed towards one end only: to make the viewer feel as uncomfortable and creepy about watching the movie as getting French kissed by one’s own grandma is. Muhamma Kalo could very well be the next step in human evolution: an anthropoid so highly evolved that it can actually use its total lack of any skills or talent and turn a profit. His movies are designed to instil in the viewer a sense of glee by proving that there is at least one man left in the world worse off, less talented, less eloquent, dim-witted, ridiculous and ugly than the viewer. There are times when everyone needs to be reminded of that fact and undoubtedly it’s a nice feeling. It’s therapeutic. The fact that there is also really no difference between his character in the movies and the real man (except that in the movies he tries really hard to act and can temporarily fulfil his dreams of being with a real woman for a change) only makes it more endearing to the viewer.

So next time you survive one of his movies and wonder why you felt like you wanted to take a shower right after or flush your head down the toilet, know that whatever happens next, it can’t be any worse than the movie.

*This could explain the alarming number of suicides that have been reported in the Maldives recently. Someone should check up the facts and see whether they had been watching Muhamma Kalo movies before they decided to end it all.

Police Head Chef must quit: MDP

Ali Antenna, reporting from inside a rice pudding bowl, Kenereege, Male, Maldives

Following a particularly nasty incident with a very hot plate of spaghetti, now famous all over Maldives as “Anni’s Spaghetti Incident”, the Chairperson of the Maldivian Democratic Party, Mohamed Nasheed (Anni) has declared that there was no other choice but for the Police Head Chef to resign from his post immediately, Minivan News has reported. Anni made the announcement right after a team of doctors pronounced him ready to speak, for lack of a better word, properly, or as coherently as he ever could.

“Ith’s dhisgrashfuth!” said Anni, still nursing a scalded tongue, which surprisingly made him sound a bit more coherent than usual. “Thish ish thoo dhays in a thow thath I’ve burnth my thongue now. Shomething hash tho be dhone. The YEM-DHEE-PEE vansh again callsh on the Polish Head Chef to shtep down, shinche thish is all hish faulth!”

Anni has on several previous occasions called for the Police Head Chef’s resignation, ever since the first time that several Police officers had barged in uninvited to the MDP hosted rice pudding dinner and confiscated all the bowls of deliciously mouth-watering rice pudding. Since Anni had a sweet tooth, a whole mouthful of them in fact, for rice pudding, he was not about to let the incident go without a fight. Several eyewitnesses said afterwards that Anni had been seen clutching several bowls of hot rice pudding to his chest and curling into a bowl in a corner in a futile attempt to save at least one or two bowls from the raiding policemen. He had taken down four baton-wielding, tear-gas spraying policemen before finally yielding to superior numbers.

After the incident MDP had immediately, if not even faster, launched an enquiry, or as Zaki calls it: ‘a fact finding mission’, and discovered that the reason the Police had been reduced to raiding MDP rice pudding dinners was because the then newly appointed Head Chef at Maldives Police Services had not been a big hit with the cops at the Police Station. The food, or whatever it was that the new Head Chef concocted in his huge black cauldron and tried to pass off as food, had been reviewed by several policemen, usually doubled over in pain and on the way to the hospital, as ‘unfit for a rat to eat’ and ‘able to give Superman heartburn’. The former statement was confirmed by local pest extermination services who tried to woo the Police Chef into working for them after discovering that all the rats in local Police Stations were leaving the Stations like… well, rats leaving a Police Station. Despite several requests to DC and Warner Bros. by Bakhabaru reporters, Superman was not available confirm the latter statement.

“There is a limit to how much hot and spicy food people can endure, to how much their human dignity can be violated because of unscheduled toilet visits,” Anni told Minivan News reporters recently. “If the Police Head Chef resigns now, everything will be solved. I won’t have to eat this hot and spicy food because all the chefs at MDP and my house are afraid of cooking my favourite rice pudding. Many of them have told me that they are scared of cooking rice pudding anymore because they are never sure when a Star Force team will burst in through the skylight and steal it! The fact that I don't have any skylights in my house or office is irrelevant.”

Bakhabaru reporters, Ali Antenna and Ahmed Satellite, tracked down well-known humanitarian and Commissioner of Police Adam Zahir for a comment but found themselves instead, being quick-marched and leopard-crawling through a field for two hours before they could convince him that they were not new recruits. When they finally got to the interview and asked him how a well-known humanitarian like him was taking the allegations against him he responded by barking out a few loud commands in what Ali and Ahmed believed was Dhivehi but had to eventually resort to a passing Policeman to translate.

“I am no humanitarian,” Zahir said, according to the translator. “It is a misleading notion being spread by jealous MDP members. In fact, I eat vegetables also, and occasionally, when the impulse takes me, beef too. All this talk about eating humans is just rubbish! It tastes horrible for a start, despite claims to the contrary by several cannibal tribes.”

He also vehemently denied the claims made by Anni about the rice pudding, saying that his recruits were too tough for such a wimpy food such as rice pudding. “They aren’t a bunch of sissies like the MDP are. They wouldn’t touch a rice pudding bowl with the blunt end of an AK47!”

“Without a change in management, there will never be any good food in the Police mess hall and they will continue to go on rice pudding raids,” said MDP Member of Parliament for Thaa Atoll and lead negotiator Hassan Afeef, who had at one point tried in vain to broker a deal with Star Force’s Rice Pudding Raiders by offering MDP Secretary Fathmath Shiuna in exchange for some of the rice pudding bowls. Tempting though the offer was, the Raiders had apparently been too hungry for food that day and Shiuna was disappointed to find she had to remain at MDP offices.

In an interview with Miadhu Daily, Acting President of the MDP, Ibrahim Hussain Zaki, burst into tears before finally revealing through wrenching sobs that he had missed his breakfast because by the time he had arrived at the table that morning, Star Force members had already foodnapped the rice pudding which he was planning to break his fast with.

“It was terrible! They just took it. Not even a by your leave,” he wailed. Seconds later he switched personas and cried with shaking fists and narrowed eyes brimming with hate and tears (not ‘happy tears’, mind you): “No doubt, the rice pudding was stolen in a politically motivated move. There is no other explanation!”

President Gayoom was unavailable for comment. Having conquered the latest SAARC Awards ceremony with the most coveted “Best President Award” for an unprecedented seventh time (he is being hailed by the other leaders at SAARC as the “Titanic” of Presidents ) he was, at time of going to press, recuperating at a Spa in decidedly un-tropical, yet extremely expensive, setting.

President Gayoom wins big at 14th SAARC Awards

Aishath Antenna, reporting from New Delhi

President Maumoon Abdul Gayoom has entered into the annals of history books as the only South Asian person to have won the coveted “Best President Award” consecutively for an unprecedented seventh time at the 14^th SAARC Awards held at New Delhi. The SAARC Awards show is held more or less every year or so to give South Asian leaders a chance to self-congratulate themselves, look good on TV and to give gamblers from the SAARC countries a chance do decide on odds of how long the current leader will last.

President Gayoom has been consistently winning the “Best President Award” ever since the SAARC Awards first introduced the category, much to the fury of the competing leaders. The “Best President Award” was introduced 8 years ago by President Gayoom himself and unlike the other awards given at the ceremony, does not depend on votes. President Gayoom had proposed at the very onset that whichever leader makes it to the Awards the following year be automatically qualified; survival being the necessary qualification.

"I am the only SAARC leader present here who has attended all the 14 awards ceremonies," Gayoom said to ringing applause from SAARC leaders and an audience of diplomats, politicians and officials at the opening session of the two-day 14th SAARC Awards show that began in Delhi, India on Tuesday. The show is aired all over the world and is the second most watched TV show, behind only “American Idol”, according to Neilsen Ratings. “It’s practically unheard of in the world for a leader to win this award for so many times, note that down people. It has been my dream for a long time to win this award for so many times consecutively. I hope to win many, many times more in the coming years also. Has anyone called the Guinness Book of World Records yet? I’m getting impatient!”

In celebration of the event, President Gayoom’s government is also holding a special workshop titled "How to Rule a Country for Thirty Decades and Beyond" specially aimed towards the fledgling members at the SAARC Awards show. Most of the other leaders believe the workshop was specifically aimed at new member, Afghanistan. At this unsurprisingly fully sold out workshop, the regions leaders, diplomats and politicians are given a taste of the power and charisma of being President Gayoom and even a trial 30 second demo of what it feels like to be holding the reins of power over 300,000 people for over 30 years. Needless to say the workshop was jam-packed.

After accepting the award, the President smoothly launched into his acceptance speech which he had been polishing since the last SAARC Awards night.

"It wasn't easy, and I must thank the peoples of the region who has contributed to making this a possibility,” President Gayoom, said, overcome with emotion. “I thank the LTTE for blowing up Sri Lankan leaders before they complete their terms, the fickle Indian voters who change their Government like dirty underwear every fortnight and last but not least the Pakistanis for giving all powers to the military. I would also like to propose my idea for a new category for next year: the Father of the SAARC Awards Award, which I hope to win next year."

President Gayoom also directed a scathing remark towards the leader of Bhutan who had on several SAARC Award ceremonies, stole the limelight away from President Gayoom with his ‘up-skirt’ tactics. Probably the only time where a group photo of international leaders had been posted on porn sites under ‘upskirt’ category.

“I would love it if you could keep your knees together long enough for the split second that it takes for a photo to be taken,” the witty President said, evoking laughter and guffaws from everyone at the show, except for the notable exception of few in mid-thigh clothing.

When Bakhabaru reporters asked whether the Maldivian people had contributed to his long-term in office which enabled him to become the only leader to attend all SAARC Summits, the President scoffed at the idea.

"Maldivian people have no say in this. I’ll be the first to admit that they can be of a little help during election times, not too much, mind you, a little. On several occasions on some islands I have not been required to directly intervene to make sure that the locals stick to my plan. But since the results are already decided, even before the people vote, it isn’t such a big problem really. But when they stick to my plan, it makes things easier for me in the long run. And for them as well, if you know what I mean. Heh heh… Isn’t that true, Mundhu?”

"Yes, O Long-lasting Leader!"

The current Minister of Foreign Affairs and First Brownnose, Dr. Ahmed Shaheed, who was also a speaker at the Workshop, almost couldn’t contain his glee when asked for a comment, brushing and shoving everyone aside to get at the mic and furiously brushing his hair back as he stammered and stuttered into the mic. However, with the limited time allotted for the interview Bakhabaru reporters couldn't stick around long enough to de-stutter-fy and decode his comment. Hopefully slow-motion replays of the video interview will shed some light on what he had said.

When opposition leaders heard about President Gayoom’s huge win at the awards they retaliated in typical jealous fashion and resorted to name calling and innuendo. Not only that, they even insulted the President.

“I’ve been wearing this same pair of socks for over 10 years now,” retorted Mohamed Nasheed, Chairperson of the Maldives Democratic Party, hopping on one foot and pulling loose a soiled brown sock. “I don’t see anyone rushing to award me for that achievement! Y’think it’s easy? I suppose I should introduce a “Smelliest Sock” award and give it to me myself; that’s what Gayoom did. The narcissist!”

It is unsure if Nasheed was serious about his declaration but just in case several merchants have ordered several containers full of industrial strength nose plugs. Forensic analysis at Police laboratories has revealed that the real colour of Anni’s sock had been white. Police did not reveal what the real colour of Anni's other sock was but reckless Bakhabaru reporters equipped with hazardous environment containment suits are attempting to find out as this report is being uploaded.

Kops Kapture Kross-dressing Kidnapper

by Mohamed Headset

Police have captured a cross-dressing male kidnapper along with his victim, who in a surprising twist turned out to be a willing accomplice, Haveeru Daily has reported. The incident occurred in Seenu atoll Hithadhoo and the both kidnapper and his victim (or accomplice and lover if the Police report is to be believed) were found inside an abandoned house. The girl (the real one), a minor, and the 32 –year-old kidnapper, who was wearing a woman’s top and ‘buruga’ (veil) at the time of arrest, were apparently just about ready to get down and dirty with it on a mattress inside the house when the Police interrupted their romantic interlude.

When the Police entered the house after having appropriated the house key ‘somehow’ or other, they had at first thought, much to their collective delight, that they had stumbled upon an indecent and lewd act of an entirely different nature. But when the cross-dresser pulled off the veil, much to the disappointment and disgust of several Police officers who had thought that their wildest fantasies had come true, it quickly became apparent that this was just another garden variety sexual offence, except for the inclusion of the underage girl.

The underage girl had apparently been abducted (or run away) while studying in school, although no one is sure how exactly this feat was accomplished. It is also unknown if the man had a habit of cross-dressing or this was just a single isolated incidence. Haveeru Daily also reports that the underage girl had also been wearing a ‘buruga’ at the time of arrest even though she also didn’t make a habit of it in her usual everyday life. Speculations abound over the seemingly fetish-like incident, leading many an individual, both male and female, to admit having tried out a veil or two to see what the fuss was all about. Despite the willingness of those who had tried it out to go on record, Bakhabaru reporters feel morally inclined not to quote them, even under condition of anonymity, for the sake of keeping the contents of Bakhabaru rated PG-13.

Check out the related news at Haveeru Daily

IGM Hospital Introduces Psychic Consultation

by Ahmed Satellite

For the first time in Maldives, a local hospital has unveiled plans to hire psychics, to be made available for consultation at the hospital for a limited time. According to a press release issued by the Indhira Gandhi Memorial Hospital in Male, Maldives, the hospital had decided to introduce psychic consultation due to the mounting pressure from customers who have asked for such a service.

“We were sick, metaphorically speaking, of the complaints from our customers,” said Assistant Director of IGMH, Abdul Sattar. “It was always ‘How can we make an appointment to see the doctor two days before we actually get sick’, or ‘You mean I have to make the appointment BEFORE I get sick? What are we, psychics?’ Well, we got tired of that and did something about it. Now you can check in with the psychics and see whether you will need a doctor in the near future and make the proper arrangements to see the doctor a good week before you get sick. We expect there will be a 90% decrease in customer complaints once we put the psychics to work.”

He also said that the service will be absolutely free and all the customers would have to do was get a number from the counter. “There will be no charges whatsoever but the psychics can only answer questions about one’s health about the near future. Questions about marriages, divorces, promotions, love life, and that sort of thing will not be entertained,” said Sattar. “Depending on the customer response we will make the service a permanent one, if there is demand of course.”

When asked whether he had consulted the psychics on whether the service would have a large demand or not Sattar became a little evasive and declined to comment, saying that answering such questions would jeopardize the fragile threads of time-space continuum. Bakhabaru reporters beat a hasty retreat since they didn’t want to get involved in threads of the space-time variety, whatever they were, or any variety for that matter.

Another doctor at IGMH, Dr. Ibrahim Yasir, Deputy Director, also expressed how happy he was with the plan to introduce psychic consultation at the hospital. “This service should have been introduced a long time ago,” he said. “We have hired certified psychics from abroad as well some local psychics. They don’t come cheap, let me tell you, but it will be worth it. The government should make plans to introduce this service to the island hospitals too.”

There’s been mixed reaction to the news from the public so far. Some have claimed that hiring psychics was totally unnecessary because even if the doctors at IGMH had been given the gift of foresight they would not be able to deal with any disease more complicated than the common cold, and that was stretching it, and would eventually advice the patient be taken abroad or transferred to another hospital just like always. Local religious radicals have also expressed disgust over the news.

“It’s bad enough they have hospitals,” said a turbaned guy who Bakhabaru reporters had initially mistaken for an overgrown hobbit in Gendalf disguise. “If God had wanted humans to cure other humans then he would have created doctors. Doctors are an abomination on the face of this world and should all be beheaded and kept away from other doctors in case they sew his head back on! And now they have psychics? It’s deplorable! It’s appalling. ”

“Not only that,” agreed an almost identical but shorter version of the Froddo-Gendalf hybrid next to him. “It’s not even nice!”

Others have however embraced the news with great joy.

“This is great news,” said a member of the public who wished to remain anonymous. “This is like checking the weather forecast before going on a sea trip. I just hope they are more accurate than the Met Department in Maldives. They should introduce the service to the remote islands too, that’s where they really need it.”

Bakhabaru reporters immediately called up President Gayoom to see if the government had any plans of introducing the service to the outer islands.

“It’s a good idea,” said the President. “However, seeing as how most of the remote islands don’t even have hospitals to begin with, I don’t see the use of that. I have consulted the stars myself to see how I should go about it and they have yet to show me any sign that introducing psychic consultation would benefit anyone in the islands.”

When asked if he was thinking of introducing proper medical services to the remote and considerably poorer islands of the Maldives the President of the Maldives was a little skeptical about the need for such ‘drastic’ measures.

“I mean, why bother? There are only a few people there and they won’t be contributing that much when it comes to votes,” he said. “Besides, the general consensus among my Majlis members is that if we introduce good health care to the islands, it will make the islanders slack and lazy. They are bound to go about and get themselves hurt all the time if they know that help is just around the corner. This way they will be more attentive and less inclined towards slackness and getting themselves hurt in the process. So for the time being at least the islanders at the remotest corners will just have to die inefficiently, without any help from doctors to speed them along. Believe me, this is best for them.”